Luctor et Emergo

The Tebow Effect

2011-12-15T05:32:00.000-08:00

((Background: I have always loved sports, and I was raised to be a Steelers fan.
I loved playing (one thing I miss the most about my life pre-RA), and now I love watching. I really believe the cliche that 'athletics reveal character.' ))

Of course, I'd heard his name all season. But I was keeping up with Pittsburgh (my team) and Baltimore (my son's team) and had not even watched a Denver game all season. I knew people loved Tebow (I have a facebook and a twitter account...).

My daughter's friend was talking about him, and the passion was what intrigued me: He HATES Tebow. He was vehement: Tebow was grandstanding, arrogant...so I was thinking it was something like Kurt Warner or Tony Dungy and how they give glory to God after games.

A friend of my son's said the funniest thing -- that Tebow is going to turn out to have severed heads in his freezer or bodies buried under his house. Again, I still had not seen him play or speak or read any articles.

A different friend of my son's was fervent: "He's a winner. He wins." was the phrase I remember. I don't think of this particular young man as eloquent, and I was struck that he sounded poetic when he talked about Tebow.

Another friend of my son's, who is eloquent and who I think should be a sportswriter said, "I would like to have Tim Tebow's babies." (He's male, it was funny.)

SO -- I made it a point to watch the Chicago-Denver game. I made a facebook status and got interesting comments.

In the first half, I could see why people like him. He runs a lot, and he's brave - he puts his shoulder down and doesn't slide to the ground like most QBs. He throws, too (I had heard he never passes) But his passes are wobbly, no spiral.

Then the fourth quarter happened. Everyone in the world knows what happened -- it was nothing short of amazing.

And the parts that confused me happened aftward -

He rightly gave credit to the kicker (whose name I know now - Prater -he had 59 (!!!!) and 51 yard field goals- he was a hero))) and his o-line and his defense. When he says the 'believe' stuff, he's talking about his teammates belief in each other.

I only saw him "Tebow" once. ((My favorite player crosses himself in the Orthodox manner after EVERY SINGLE PLAY, so I don't understand the big deal about this QB kneeling a few times a game. Christians/people of all faiths pray when they're struggling/playing sports, big deal.))

So -- why do his haters think he's arrogant?

There are a million articles out there on this phenomenon. They are so interesting...I think the secular sports writers are saying the best things.

Here's where I may sound crazy, but reading all of those articles is having an effect on me personally.
((I'm a person who likes the dark side. I am familiar with struggle. Cynicism is comfortable to me. The glass isn't just half-empty...it may be full of something toxic. Villains in stories are always more interesting/attractive to me.))

Reading about Tebow is making me feel like experimenting with optimism.

((Also - I am as excited about the Denver-Boston game as I am about Pittsburgh-SF. ))

JOYLIST Dec 9, 2011

2011-12-09T18:01:00.001-08:00

1. DVR - after a hard week of work, I got to catch up on missed TV - Glee (SIGH) made me a little emotional..I love when Ryan Murphy preaches.

2. STEELERS WIN after a rollercoaster ride of a game. In case you didn't hear, Ben played with a high ankle sprain, the young cadre of receivers was stellar, the offensive line was inspired, everyone contributed something. Granted, they should've killed the Browns, but from the time Ben got hurt to him hobbling to take the field in the 2nd half, to Brown's TD...it was like watching a movie.

3. MF - Medifast - is this new thing I'm doing. I love it.

4, MF - My friends - Jane and Donna, who encouraged me to start limping/walking/jogging...

5. I HAVE NO DECORATIONS UP, NO COOKIES BAKES AND NO PRESENTS PURCHASED YET I FEEL IRRATIONALLY OPTIMISTIC THAT I WILL SOMEHOW MAGICALLY FIGURE EVERYTHING OUT

RA/Anger/Precious

2011-12-01T10:18:00.001-08:00

I was reading another blogger's post - she was having a hard day due to the RA. Christmas is enough to put most women over the top with the insane expectations:

decorating
parties
gift buying: family, friends, teachers, coworkers, service people, random droppers-in (seriously, my sister has a closet with marked, wrapped gifts for this situation)
cooking/baking
being spiritual
serving
looking festive
being super joyful

Now add in a chronic illness that doesn't care what month it is. In fact, holiday induced stress is probably aggravating it.

((Brief lesson: RA is *not* the kind of arthritis your grandma has or the kind that you suffer in your pinkie when it rains. We'd love to have that kind. It's systemic, it's chronic, it has more to do with your immune system than your actual joints. That's why stress affects it.))

Anyone would be a little blue.

I do terrible with holidays in general, and Christmas, being the most extravagantly-observed holiday, particularly highlights my suckiness. I care less and less, which is a good thing.

I was trying to encourage her, and I don't know if she'll approve my comment, but I included the line from Precious:

"The other day I cried. But you know what? Fuck that day. That's why God, or whoever, makes other days."

Brilliant. This should be embroidered on pillows, stenciled on walls.
My wishlist includes having coffee with Sapphire, and finding out what other wisdom she's willing to dispense.

5K

2011-11-19T07:24:00.001-08:00

Like I said earlier, I decided that I want to start jogging...even if it's more of a shuffle/crawl/walk...

C. ran cross country and track in HS, and it turns out that some of the parents of those runners are now running themselves.
(I've always said that runners are the nicest of the athletes. They respect each other, and are supportive even of the slow runners. The parents were like that, too. At meets, they cheer for everyone.)

So one of these women found out, and she encouraged me in the goal. Then her and another woman went a step further and said they'd work on it with me!

You should know that Donna and Jane are superfast, superfit people (their kids are superfast, superfit people too!). It was a sacrifice to help me in this way. They'd finish their workout, and then shuffle along with me for another hour.

Because I can't talk at all - at this point, I'm out of breath immediately and it sounds like I'm dying -- they would have one-way conversations the entire time to keep my mind off of the jogging part.

There was a 5k that was about 5 weeks out, and they encouraged me to try it. So I did!

I'm in no way ready for a 5k- I am still walk/jogging -- but they assured me that others were walking it.

So the day of the race, L. decided to do it with me. Which was really sweet of him. He did the same thing -- talked to himself the whole time. He played music on his phone for a while. He was so encouraging.

After Donna won her age division, she jogged back to join me! Jane was organizing the entire race, and she found me right at the finish line, even though she had a billion things to do.

I finished in 44:53, which met my goal of breaking 45 minutes. I walk really slow - probably 3.0-3.3 mi/hour. (19-20 min miles) and I jog really slow, too (13 min miles) so that means I probably jogged a little more than 1/2 of it.

We got long sleeved purple shirts, which I love. I'm self conscious, so I was trying to find L. after the race and he made this funny joke about me lurking (I kinda went behind pillars and things and looked out to find him). The joke is still making me laugh, there was nothing mean spirited about the way he said it, it was just true. It makes me realize how much this self-consciousness limits me. (I really did look for things to stand behind so I could find him...I'd have never just walked through the crowd)

My overall feelings?
It was pretty good, because I'm on that MF diet, so I have less energy. It's my first one, I'll improve. And the biggest thing was how supportive people are - Jane and Donna and Lucas. A friend from church was there with her mom, and she was really sweet, too.

I don't usually effuse on facebook, but I posted that I was overwhelmed with goodness -- because that's how I felt after the race, and all weekend.

Duran Duran Live

2011-10-20T09:27:00.000-07:00

My sister took me to see Duran Duran on my birthday.

It was fantastic, because:

1. We've kinda had a rough year, my sister and I, for reasons I won't get into here. It was really wonderful to spend an evening with her. I love her.

2. This red-headed percussionist - she mesmerized me!

3. The audience was 80% comprised of women-my-age, and I felt cameraderie with them all, at least theoretically. This is so uncharacteristic of me, and it felt new and great.

4. One song they played - Ordinary World (video at end) - was special, for two reasons:

*It was a song that meant something to me when I first had kids...about leaving my old life sans kids and figuring out the new one. I realized it's apropos again - I'm figuring out life with grown kids, how to let go, what I do now. So great.

*During the song I saw a man a few rows ahead of me stand, offer his hand to his date (wife?), and they went to the side and slow danced. I'm not sure why, but I was really moved, even teared up a bit.
This younger guy a few seats down caught my eye (who had been catching my eye earlier, too), and smiled at me -- we'd both seen the dancing couple, and we were both just feeling/sharing the sweetness.
(And then I gasped and wondered how a young guy -probably 30s - could be smiling at me, but I killed all my thoughts so this sweet moment wouldn't be ruined)

4. Turns out Constitution Hall is just a few blocks from where I work, so we parked on the street by my office. It was great being there late at night after the show, with all the people spilling onto 18th street, singing duran duran songs and laughing.

luctor et emergo (WendyBird)

2011-10-20T06:27:00.000-07:00

I found a blog about a person with RA who also runs.

Here is the first quote she ever posted:

In spite of illness, in spite even of the archenemy sorrow, one can remain alive long past the usual date of disintegration if one is unafraid of change, insatiable in intellectual curiosity, interested in big things, and happy in small ways.

**Edith Wharton**

Here is a quote of hers, from her first post, explaining the blog:

RA gave me the incentive to reflect, running gives me the time to reflect. I think most people reflect after 60 because they find themselves retired with time on their hands. The kids are grown and pressing needs just don't seem so pressing anymore. To achieve this earlier in life takes some sort of jarring event like an illness or accident, either to yourself or someone close to you. This is why I can never look on RA as a disaster; it has inspired me to do so much and enabled me to become so strong, much sooner than I would have otherwise. I would never wish bad events on the people, but I think we need them sometimes to remind us of the important points in life. Family, friends, love, and fun, need to be on our minds far more often than rivals, obstacles, and irritation

Brimming with Optimism

2011-10-17T10:49:00.000-07:00

I'm 43 today, or as Annie Lamott would say, I'm 30-13. (I know it's Anne, I think I started calling her Annie because of Dillard. Now I call her Annie because I like to pretend that we're good friends, like how Angelina's friends actually call her Angie.)

I'm suspicious that people might be praying for me, because I'm feeling optimistic, which has been uncharacteristic of me for the last few weeks.

43 is an auspicious year:
1. It's a prime number
2. It's Troy Polamalu's jersey number
3. It's the number of things listed on one of my favorite sites, 43things

So I'm going to make a 43 Things list just for this year:

This will be the year I:
1. Start jogging again, no matter how slowly or poorly or whatever.
2. Make that video about the Birthday Girls (my mom's lovely, lovely friends)
3. Grow a lot of lavender, and harvest it, and hang it everywhere to dry until the smell of lavender reminds people of my house
4. log 100 hours of language learning
5. Read the Bible, and then some (must-reads spiritually speaking, apocryphal books)
6. Walk my dogs regularly.i.e. be a better dog owner
7. Forgive people, like that Year of Jubilee idea (releasing people from debts)
8. Let people take pictures of me and quit lying and telling them I think it takes a piece of my soul when really I'm just self-conscious (THIS IS HARD TO EVEN WRITE. I don't know about this one.)
9. Dance somewhere at least once
10. participate in that Write-A-Novel-in-a-Month thing that all my friends do.
11. Make scrapbooks of all my 'nostalgia' stuff, even if it doesn't look nearly as good as the Creative Memories people.
12. Go somewhere awesome with my Mom and everyone: like Dollywood or Nashville or something.
13. Get acupuncture.
14. Wear a bathing suit at the beach.
15. create/obtain/whatever it takes to own a treadmill desk.
16. Cook food and bake food, following Catherine's example (when she's hungry, she looks up recipes and gathers ingredients and plays classy music and actually cooks good food. it's so HEALTHY, in every way.)
17. Take a class.
18. will be a GRACEFIEND.
19. Write letters (I kinda started this,but I want to keep it up)
20. either have one of those houses that's already reasonably clean, or quit caring that my house isn't
21. Go to 34th street at Christmas time
22. exercise my gift (which i believe is encouragement) intentionally, often, joyfully
23. stretch my imagination to include the idea that guys can be nice and maybe even trustworthy, but you can still be really cautious about these guys and i don't have to pretend it's likely or anything, just possible, like a science fiction story.
24. go somewhere awesome with my sister for her birthday
25. pray
26. accessorize
27. manage my RA holistically
28. finish my braces vlog
29. start my new vlog (jabba the hutt)
30. assume better things and act accordingly
31. read daily
32. use my commute better
33. hang the rita hayworth picture up at work
34. hang the rita hayworth picture up in my room
35. start wearing GLOVES as a fashion accessory (hides my hands, looks cool)
36. go to at least 3 art shows (scottie's was wonderful)
37. start wearing more makeup, like that lady from Pittsburgh encouraged me to
38. intercede
39. write my dreams down
40. remember: what i love doing, the joy of my salvation, the good things
41. my family: start some traditions and actually enjoy the holidays (i was always bad at this...common in circumstances like ours - holidays sucking - but i want to redeem this..i can feel like now that they're grown, it's too late. but it's not..)

42. my family: legacy
43. love people well

On Joylists

2011-09-17T16:13:00.000-07:00

Why they stopped:

I have this annoying thing that happens from time to time.I've talked with a friend of mine about it. I will share an idea with someone, and then -within weeks- that person claims that idea as theirs.

It drives me crazy. Why??? Because I take the time to credit those whose ideas/jokes/stories I re-tell or adopt. Because I'm petty, truth be told. I'm sure I've done the same, but I work really hard not to.

Anyway, this happened with the Joylist thing.I reconnected with a friend (this reconnection made it to a Joylist, in fact!) I told her about it, and she said she had been making a list fo things to do after her kids left. We jokingly made a silly acronym that I can't remember for her list.

Anyway, when it came time for a new Joylist, she said it was her idea. I explained the whole thing. She said, no, she actually called it a Joylist. I showed her how my first Joylist predated us even talking again. I showed her email. She didn't ever say anything different.

So my solution was to quit making them. So petty and dumb

Why they need to start up again

Because they were a good idea. Thankfulness is good, reflecting is good, choosing joy is good, it was a little weekly self-medication, anti-depressant.

Who will care about any of this

Me. And my vast readership of zero. Ha..

100X watched, still great

2011-09-01T12:21:00.001-07:00

My first GIF

2011-08-28T21:32:00.000-07:00

Catherine, from her and K's short film

Cat's about to leave/arrive

2011-08-20T07:38:00.001-07:00

Everyone's leaving for their first year of college. My niece went yesterday. So this means I have license to be pretty sappy and emotional and sentimental for a while.

All the kids who graduated in 2011 are making facebook statuses --wistful paragraphs with the people tagged who they're going to "miss SOOOO much" sprinkled throughout.

Here's my kid's status:

Now there are some who would comfort me and say, "It's good she's ready to go! You want them to fly!", and I guess I should spin this as positively as possible.

But herattitude doesn't hurt me the way they think it does. Because I think I understand that it's not just me she's leaving.

Reflection:
You move your family, looking for safety and high-rated schools. You pray, you hear nothing. You crave a fresh start, the time is ripe, and so you go.
And later, too much later to do anything about it, you wonder: Would diversity of many kinds (not simply racial - also economic, religious, even personality drive) have been better for your kids? (Diversity of *any* kind...at all?)

You make all kinds of decisions that have far-reaching, deep impact on your kids. You make them in a hailstorm, half blind. You make them without the input of another person who is completely, on a DNA cellular level, invested in your kids. (Thank God for my mom, she's as close as it can get to that.)
And again, later -- too late to divert -- you realize you were wrong sometimes.

Reflection:
She contended with many things. She is startlingly perceptive, and sometimes it seems to me that people's motives are just laid bare before her. Naturally, she struggles with cynicism.
I want, I pray, if I could I'd will this: She'll realize that those things made her, not limited her. She'll realize that she was lead by love the entire time. She'll choose joy.

And truthfully, I'm glad she's not the type whose status is full of cliche and empty promises to stay in touch.
She's spending time with the people who matter to her. Anything she's telling them isn't being done with twitter or facebook, it's with real conversation. And I'm one of those people.

Overheard

2011-06-08T09:53:00.000-07:00

This morning, I overheard this conversation between two security guards in my building. One was an older man (1), the other younger (2). The topic was marriage.

(2): I love being married.

(1): I've been married 18 years now.

(2): That's good.

(1): 18 years, that's right.

(2): Yeah, I love it. Everyday. It puts me at *ease*, you know?

(1): Yep.

It seemed ingenuous - they were just talking. It amazed me.

Playlist

2011-05-24T07:14:00.000-07:00

Minimize Youtube, wear headphones, and instantly improve my attitude about work.

Getting through my day, one song at a time:

Visions of you - Jah Wobble

House of the Rising Sun -- Sinead (cool cover!!!)

Strawberry Swing - Coldplay

Nightswimming - REM

Sweetness Follows - REM

((NOSTALGIA TIME))

Nothing Compares to U - Sinead

Ordinary World - Duran Duran

Save a Prayer - Duran Duran

If you were here -- thompson twins

Love Vigilantes -- New Order

Every Little Counts -- New Order

Three Days - Jane's Addiction

Classic Girl - Jane's Addiction

Love is Alive - Gary Wright

Sundown -- Gordon Lightfoot

Down on Main Street - Bob Seger

verdi cries -- 10000 maniacs ((this is so beautiful it makes me start crying))

carry on my wayward son -- kansas

linger -- cranberries

prayer for you -- texas ((THIS IS A GREAT SONG))

life's what you make it -- talk talk

getting over you -- david guetta ( (there's no getting over this song for me))

love the way you lie - eminem

------

she's a beauty -- the tubes

your love -- the outfield

Elf, Forrest, and Jesus

2010-12-18T16:02:00.001-08:00

A friend on facebook sent me a message about the movie Elf:
She was reading John 8, and it hit her that Buddy was like Jesus...there's more. I'll edit this if she gives permission.

For now, I'll say that I admit I'd never thought of Buddy the Elf as a Christ type, but I was thinking about, and one of his qualities stood out clearly: He's loving. He's ingenuously, unconditionally, completely loving. The way he responds to a father who abandoned him, a boss and coworkers who are mean to him, and everyone who doesn't understand him -- it's always love.

It reminded me of my first pastor and his wife, who recommended Forrest Gump for the same reason. Jenny couldn't handle that kind of love (maybe she didn't think she deserved it?), but even after she abandons him and comes back, he accepts her fully. Love. My first pastor's wife, Sue, said that maybe the only way a film could get away with showing that kind of radical love was to house it in a mentally challenged person...(or maybe a naive elf?)

A friend of a friend was dying from cancer, and was a bitter person because of things that had happened in a church she belonged to. She told my friend, "I hate God!! Jesus, well -- Jesus is good. But I can't stand God."
I think people always kneejerk respond to a lesson on the trinity -- I probably did when I heard this story. But I never will again. A person very close to me said this same idea recently. Because I know more about this person, I have more understanding:

They feel like certain things that they've had to endure were allowed by God (they're correct..he had the power to stop all of them, and he didn't). So God allowed her to be hurt.
And Jesus is the one who feels our pain fully...hurts when we do...he can, because he actually knows what it means to be human. So he's the one whose comfort is meaningful.
This person understands the concept of the trinity (as the dying woman probably did)....She's not having a lapse in theology. She's in pain. And one member of the Godhead didn't prevent this pain, and another is trying to comfort her through it. So her statement makes sense to me.

So for right now, I'm trying to think, in addition to the conventional WWJD wisdom: What would Forrest do? What would Buddy do?

5 Reasons Why this was the Best Sermon Series I've Heard this Year

2010-09-19T11:41:00.001-07:00

1. The abundance of Scripture

There was Scripture read, referenced, even recited. The cool part: unapologetically.

(Explanation: My church is sensitive to those who might be new to church or uncomfortable with church. Sometimes, this has taken the form of almost apologizing when a lot of Scripture is used in a sermon. Our pastor will prepare us in advance, like a teacher might if they're giving an involved lecture, and they're worried they might lose some of the students to boredom. It's funny, because when he says that, it's usually a signal for me that I'm going to really like the sermon. For this sermon, there was never that pre-emptive apology, and I was glad! Besides the fact that this pastor is a really gifted and engaging communicator who casts a wide net when he preaches anyway, it's compelling simply because it's the Word of God, given fully and in context.))

2. The back-story given

The first week, the text was Isaiah 6 (which starts, "in the year that King Uzziah died"). We were given Uzziah's history, so we interpreted the passage in light of that life. (Uzziah started well, finished poorly)

The second week, we were given theories on when Paul may have had that vision/revelation he refers to in 2 Corinthians 12. It was in Acts, when he got stoned by the crowd in Lystra.

Sometimes the thing that really hits you is something hidden in these back stories, so I love when sermons include them. Plus, I learn something new.

3. The overall definition of Worship

We were encouraged to 'Focus on the magnificence of God' -- I needed to hear this. I need to hear it again and again. Magnify God. Focus off of self, on Him.

He added to this, too -- he ended with the part in Romans that talks about offering our whole self as a spiritual act of worship. But the initial definition was good for me, because I've been so far off.

4. Communion.

We don't take communion often, because of the size of our church (I think.) But today, the church was as full as ever, and maybe it was a logistical challenge, but it really didn't seem that way. They added a worship song, and you made communion an extension of worship. They let you take it at your own pace, so you could prepare privately, and take when you were ready.

5. The preeminence of Jesus, the exclusivity of Jesus was proclaimed with clarity and strength.

It was a really powerful moment. He spoke verses from Romans, and ended with the verse in Hebrews that talks about Jesus being the radiance of God's glory, and the exact representation of His being.
It was one of those times when I feel like cheering as if I'm at a game, and we just scored.

You can listen here

Romain Gavras part 2

2010-08-27T12:48:00.000-07:00

Riveting for the full 9 minutes. You'll wish it was longer.

Romain Gavras

2010-08-27T12:46:00.000-07:00

Lucas showed me this video, and now I want to see everything this film maker has done. Just watch it.

All the things I know right now, if I only knew back then

2010-08-27T12:43:00.000-07:00

This is David Guetta -- he's kinda a DJ, I guess -- features Fergie. The guy soloist is Chris Willis, who I googled and learned that he's a gospel singer (YEA) and the fun guys are LMFAO.

New Ideas

2010-07-05T10:12:00.001-07:00

Three new ideas picked up during Creation week:

1. You are more than the choices that you make.

This is a song by the band Tenth Avenue North, and it's the opposite of what I've always heard -- even in Christian circles...You always hear that you *are* the choices you make.
The song is about redemption, and being remade...I still can hear all the teaching I've heard about natural consequences in my head, but at least this idea is in the mix now.

2. It's not the amount of faith you have, it's who your faith is in.

This is the opposite of things I've heard, and even things that I heard in this same week. There are other ideas that seem to say that our faith powers God's actions:
For the person who is struggling, this is especially disheartening, because at your very weakest (your faith is probably waning b/c of hard things in your life) and when you need God's intervention the most, your very struggle limits the help you'll get.

So this idea gave me a little heart.

3. Women determine the quality of men -- society-wide- by who they have sex with.

This was in a book that one of the guys at camp was reading...Catherine started reading it, and read that part aloud to us.
I have to say that this is brilliant. If I could write an open letter to all females --most epecially the younger females -- imploring them to embrace this concept, I'd do it.
Everything would change.

Women wouldn't have to pretend/force themselves to accept that fidelity is optional. They wouldn't have to pretend that it's OK how we've all lowered the bar on men's integrity to the point where they just kinda step over it.

And the truth is -- this would benefit the men, too. No one values things won easily. Men probably get sick of their own weakened characters, too.
Everyone would win.

redemption, a little bit at a time

2010-06-02T07:41:00.000-07:00

These walls are funny. First you hate 'em, then you get used to 'em. Enough time passes, you get so you depend on them. That's institutionalized.

-Red in Shawshank Redemption

More on this later.

wishlist for summer 2010

2010-06-02T05:01:00.000-07:00

1. creation! camping, speed scrabble, david crowder, teamwork, hikes, section J!!, free hug shirts, TOTT day, nighttime fires, midnight showers, shuttle buses, newsboys, and a bunch of sitting around and talking time. (this is actually planned!)

2. summer jobs for one or more of my kids. wouldn't it be nice?

3. licenses for one or more of my kids.

4. a college visit or two with Catherine

5. complete a 5k with my ALG girls

6. reconnect with some people: heinemans (pictures! this is actually planned!), canners, CFC kids

7. read, and read, and read

8. second vacation to the beach (this is pretty unlikely, but it's a *wish*list. my sister is going at the end of july. i want to tag along.)

9. lucas blazing through a few TTU courses

10. be intentional about preparing l and c for their senior year in the very best way possible.

i also look forward to staying up half the night with friends, i want to get pedicures, and get some melanoma-free color from the sun....but i limited my list to 10.

Doug

2010-04-28T05:40:00.000-07:00

The latin phrase 'multum in parvo' (much in little) is often used to describe pugs, and it's perfect for Doug.

Find him on facebook:

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Doug-the-Pug/119251894584?v=info

(1843 fans and counting!!)

Top Ten Movies at the Moment

2010-04-23T20:52:00.000-07:00

10. Braveheart
9. Remember the Titans
8. Raising Arizona
7. The Sound of Music
6. LOTR Two Towers
5. Terminator 2
4. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
3. Knight's Tale
2. Matrix
1. Shawshank Redemption

If I Had to List my Ten Favorite Songs Right Now

2010-04-23T20:29:00.000-07:00

10. Alive and Kicking...Simple Minds..."You lift me up like the sweetest cup I'll share with you"
9. Murder of One...Counting Crows..."Blue morning, blue morning, full of strands of fist and bone"
8. Southern Cross...Crosby Still Nash and Young
7. Uninvited...Alanis Morisette
6. I just want something I can never have....NIN...."You make this all go away...I'm down to just one thing and I'm starting to scare myself"
5. Song to the Siren...This Mortal Coil..."
4. Ocean Size...Jane's Addiction..."I was born with a heart of stone, to be broken with one hard blow"
3. She Sells Sanctuary....the Cult... "The world drags me down..I'm sure in her you'll find sanctuary"
2. How Soon Is Now....the Smiths..."how can you say I go about this the wrong way? I am human and i need to be loved; just like everyone else does."
1. Revelation Song...Kari Jobe...."Jesus, Your Name is power, breath and living water"

Disillusionment

2009-10-05T10:36:00.000-07:00

There really aren't over 100 words for "snow" in the Inuit language. According to this, there's at most 24, and that's stretching the definition of 'word'.

And the Great Wall of China isn't visible from space. At least not according to NASA.

I love a good, cool bit of trivia, and I tend to hear it and assimilate it straight away, just assuming it's true, trusting liberally. I think I learned the Great Wall of China thing from the movie "The Truman Show", for example.

So yeah, it's disappointing, especially coming from NASA. The snow-word guy even kinda rubs it in our faces by finding 40 English words for different types of snow. Kinda mean.

There's another similar kind of thing that upsets me, too --
For instance, there's this funny dead bunny story I heard this popular teacher tell, claiming it happened to her.... Well, this site says it's an Urban myth, originating in 1989, retold by many since then, each presenting themselves as the dog owner. Is it a weird form of plagiarism -- co-opting someone else's story or joke, presenting it as your own even though it'd be just as funny to just tell properly credited? ?
Or maybe this bizarre sequence of events really did happen to all these people? It's a big world, after all...But then how does it only seem to happen to famous people? And one of the people that told the story after 1989 -- Michael Landon!!! He was Pa!!!! Like I said....disillusionment.

Impressed

2009-08-07T18:27:00.000-07:00

I am so thankful that I was allowed to go to a conference the last two days with my church, Lifepoint.
Amazing speakers, powerful ideas, and inspiring stories.

Here's one:
A young women who co-founded Kiva, an organization that 'connects people through lending for the sake of alleviating poverty'.
Kiva allows people with at least $25 and an internet connection to become lenders -- they can lend money to entrepreneurs to start their businesses.
They're called 'microloans' -- these entrepreneurs can't access regular banks because of their financial situations.
The average size of the loan is less than $1000, and the loan default rate is less than 2%. (98% of loans are paid back.)

For a small taste, watch this:

She reminded me of a young woman at work whose calling is to help oppressed women (she just doesn't know the details yet).

They are representative of the best parts of this Millennial generation: their idealism, their optimism. It's informed idealism/optimism, too -- it's not like they don't see what's wrong. They just actually believe it's possible to right it.

JoyList!

2009-06-16T10:32:00.000-07:00

1. Creation 2009! I'm really looking forward to this!! I've been learning so much in the preparing....it's going to be so much fun...the group we're going with is fantastic.

2. Artomatic 2009! I am really looking forward to this! A co-worker told me about it...I think I can make it on the LAST DAY. I want to buy a print of this: (part of the Eye Project. This one is called 'Laurel'. Artist Mark Shumaker)

3. Lucas!! He's doing really well at TTU! Makes me feel proud of him.

4. I GOT MY LIBRARY CARD!!! Oh, how I love a library. It feels like a sanctuary to me. All the colors of the spines of the books.....programs advertised on bulletin boards....all that possibility just surrounding you.

5. A Wife for Doug...Possibly. SHould we do it? Get a little girl pug puppy, let her grow up and make cute little pug puppies with Doug? I'm considering it....

Last Night As I Was Sleeping (2nd verse)

2009-02-16T08:17:00.000-08:00

Last night, as I was sleeping,
I dreamt -- marvelous error!—
that I had a beehive
here inside my heart.
And the golden bees
were making white combs
and sweet honey
from my old failures.

-Antonio Machado

*My friend Shannon knows a lot of Spanish (I'd say she's fluent, but she's probably say she isn't) and she was telling me that translation of poetry includes thinking about the way the words sound, so some of the words aren't direct translations...
"Marvellous error" can also be "blessed illusion"...."Failure" is "Bitternesses, sorrows"
I love either set of words, I love this idea so much.

polamaLOVE

2009-01-31T20:00:00.001-08:00

persecution for doing good

2009-01-15T15:05:00.000-08:00

The Bible teaches that you're blessed when you are persecuted for His sake. Just eternally? Or eventually in the land of the living, too?

Does "doing the right thing" classifies as "for his sake", or is this just for people persecuted while worshipping, evangelizing, etc.

How do you encourage someone who is in the midst of it? How do you pray for them?

These aren't rhetorical questions. If you have answers, I need them!

Books

2008-11-25T09:10:00.000-08:00

Rebecca Wells

I just read Little Altars Everywhere for the second time. I cry through the entire last chapter.
There is so much wisdom there:
the way you trust your parents as a kid...the way they are like God to you, almost, in how you imprint on what they say and do...the way you are shocked to find that their mistakes scar you...the way that, in the end, love and grace are stronger than the hurt.

I'm trying to read Ya-ya again, but I just don't like it as much as L.A.E.

JD Salinger

If asked to come up with a favorite author, I really think he'd be it. I thought I had to ditch him when I became a Christian.
I used to read his books to death.

I'm reading Franny and Zooey again, because Catherine started reading Nine Stories. I was so excited, because a central idea in her life is what I'd call 'purity'. Not sexual, but purity of heart, motive, etc. She values 'real', 'authentic'...she eschews all things phony.

I'm excited for her to read Salinger, because I think this is a central idea in his writing.

Doug - Benefit #1

2008-11-17T11:18:00.000-08:00

Lucas came out of his room last night, holding Doug and asking me to watch him for a while. He was trying to do something, "and Doug won't leave me alone! I just want to relax and he keeps pestering me...", etc.

But then he stopped, looked at me and we both just laughed....because for the hour before, Lucas had been pestering me to make him mashed potatoes..then a PB and J...about 10 times each request...we'd already eaten, and I was sitting and reading, trying to get rid of a headache. I'd repeatedly told him to make his own sandwich,that I'd walk him through how to make the (instant!) mashed potatoes...

So with his complaining about the pug, I started to point it all out...and he cut me off, with a silly/contrite face, and said, "I know, I get it. I'm really sorry."

Doug

2008-11-14T06:35:00.001-08:00

I gave Lucas a dog for his 16th birthday. Lucas named him Doug. He's awesome. I'm out of my mind.

This is not Doug, but it looks a lot like him. Pictures coming soon.

Let the End Times Roll

2008-11-11T07:06:00.000-08:00

This post isn't about the election...at least not directly!!!

This is about how I think evil is increasing, and about how Jesus told us that, as we see signs of the seasons changing, so we will see signs of things wrapping up.

It really does seem to me that all of creation is groaning...floods, school shootings, tsunamis, earthquakes, parents killing their kids, kids killing their parents, horrible epidemic disease, massive chunks of the polar ice caps breaking off...

I know what everyone says to this: Since Christ's ascension, his followers have thought their generation was the one that would see his return. That evil has always been prevalent; the difference now is the rapid-fire dissemination of the information via satellites and internet.

But what about the satellites and internet? The technology explosion? There are some who say these things themselves point to the endtimes.

And then there are my more bizarre ideas:
I think of the mile. I really think about this. How much faster can people go? We break records in hundredths of seconds now...
My kids and I have discussed the idea of maybe there being a "technologically aided Olympics" in the future, where athletes can just use all the performance enhancing drugs they want, and that will keep the evolution of sports going...

And then I think of all the stories you read about people who have been dead for hours and hours and then wake up. Half the time, it's the cold thing that we all saw in the movie "Abyss" in the 80s...but still.

I know by this time I probably just sound really stupid. But my kids told me recently about the ancient Mayan calendar and how it just ends on December 21, 2012...and how Obama's first term ends about that time...(no haters! it's just an observation!!)

And the bottom line is, I think a 2012 deadline would be just fine. Catherine said, "That's so depressing that you feel that way." But it's really not!!

If we knew for sure, it would probably change the way we're living, wouldn't it? I've joked with some people about this...but here's my short list of the trivial and not-so-trivial:

A FEW THINGS THAT I'D DO IF I KNEW THE WORLD WAS ENDING IN 2012

1. I'd go into debt to take my family and any friends who wanted to go to visit Ireland and New Zealand. Hey -- in revelation it says there will be no sea. I'd want to see all the sea I can!! (And I'd just pay the minimum payment on my card 'til Dec 2012)
2. The list of things I worry about would be reduced to about 2 or 3.
3. I'd be bolder about the things that actually matter.
4. I'd immediately go on Enbrel for my RA.
5. The people in my life....it would probably change the way I expressed my heart to them. This is more like '3b.'

that rascal Pascal

2008-11-01T19:47:00.000-07:00

I learned something very interesting the other day.
You know Pascal's wager...his idea that to believe in God is reasonable, because:

1. If you believe, and come to the end of your days and find that the whole idea of Christianity was false, you haven't lost anything. In fact, keeping to Christian teachings probably spared you some trouble/heartache thru the years.
2. If you believe, and come to the end and find that Christianity is true, you have just gained everything.
and
3. If you don't believe, and come to the end and find that Christianity is true, you will have lost everything.

Therefore, the idea goes, believing is your best, most logical bet. Reasonable.

The other day I heard that this idea was never intended to be an evangelistic one...and I was relieved. ((Theoretical belief? Humoring God? Seemed bad and insincere to me.))

Pascal came up with this idea to battle the idea of his day that faith was for weak-minded people, and Reason was the way. He wanted to expose this idea...showing how using reason itself can make a case for faith.

Pascal's wager wasn't meant to lead people to Christ; it was meant to challenge a contemporary idea and turn it on its head.

Sleep Deprived Due to the Olympics 2

2008-08-14T11:13:00.000-07:00

Before this week, I had never watched Michael Phelps swim...I kinda have this thing about hyped stuff...But - he is incredible to watch.
This race was the most exciting. (Couldn't find a video of the race; this is an explanation w/ pictures)
It's interesting because it was actually another swimmer, Lezak, who saved the day.

I saw Jason Lezak interviewed later, for a different race, and the reporter said something like, "It was great of you to win that race so that Michael Phelps can get the record of 8 gold medals in one Olympics."
And I liked his answer- something like: "I didn't win that race for Michael Phelps. I respect him and I like him, but we all worked hard and wanted a gold medal."

Sleep Deprived Due to the Olympics

2008-08-14T11:04:00.000-07:00

This is an older commercial featuring May-Traner (sp?) and Walsh, the beach volleyball team from America. I saw them beat another team soundly-- I think it was the Norwegians. They are really fun to watch.

Revelation

2008-07-21T08:59:00.000-07:00

The message this week: the only way to be able to do Hebrews 12:1 (rid yourself of the burdens and the sin that so easily entangles) is to do Hebrews 12:2 (keeping your gaze on Jesus).

They sang this song (the clip is not from my church), and I wanted them to start over and sing it again and again so that I could've spent the day focusing on these words, focusing on Jesus and His holiness, trying to purge myself of wounds, offenses, unbelief, bitterness, all of it.

Worthy is the

Lamb who was slain

Holy, Holy, is He

Sing a new song

to Him who sits on

Heaven's Mercy Seat

Holy, Holy, Holy

Is the Lord God Almighty

Who was, and is, and is to come

With all creation I sing

Praise to the King of Kings!

You are my everything And I will adore You…!

2 Brilliant Movies

2008-07-18T11:36:00.000-07:00

Two very different movies, but I loved the same thing about each: The form of the movie matched the content...The way 'reality' was presented made you identify with or at least empathize with the main characters..

1. Memento - a recommendation from a really interesting person from church named David. The man in Memento has an injury that has made him unable to form new memory. He relies on notes, and photographs, and logic to piece together and make meaning of his life. His memory fails him about every 5-15 minutes, and he is left to start over...

The movie tells the story 5 minutes at a time, and with each scene in reverse order, giving you overlapping details to give you a point of reference. You observe his notes and photographs, and scars, and scenery, and other details that are revealed, to try and piece the plot together.

It occurred to me that, because of how the story is told, you are dealing (in a small way) with the exact problem the main character has --- trying to make meaning of it all with only 5 minute-long chunks of data, which start bewilderingly fresh every 5 minutes (because it's going in reverse order. Every five minutes you are given information that you have no point of reference for.)

2. Requiem of a Dream -

(Note: this is the most intense movie I've seen in a while, and I can't recommend it for anyone, and I wish I hadn't seen some of the ending myself. BUT - it would be the movie I would show to anyone experimenting with drugs. Why: I have this problem where I always secretly root for the bad thing in movies. In "Girl Interrupted", I really wanted Winona's character to stay with Angelina's character. I loved their relationship, even as twisted as it was. In "Heathers", I wanted them to blow up the school. In "Candy", I wanted that girl and Heath to get back together. But Requiem isn't that way. I wanted to get inside the movie and be their friend and witness to them and rescue them. I think this movie shows addiction accurately, instead of glamorizing it. )

In "Requiem", they show the drug use in a really interesting way: Closeups of the physical effect in rapid succession (blood thru veins, pupils dilating, etc), then a short clip of the pleasure or enjoyment. And then increasingly longer and longer clips of the pain...the way addiction enslaves them.
By the end of the movie, you feel there is no hope at all for any of the 4 characters to return to any of the goodness their addiction destroyed. You feel despair.

It's the same brilliance in both: The very way the story is told makes you understand/identify with/empathize with the main characters; the form matches the message.

Joylist 5

2008-07-14T09:36:00.001-07:00

This is long overdue!

1. CathrineHolm enamelware, pictured left....a coworker showed me eBay, and I found these plates/bowls...They are all I've really wanted from eBay. Oh, and my giant wooden fork and spoon, circa 1971.

2. Reality Week. L and C loved the speaker this year - Clay Walker, and I believe they were really edified. I spent time well while they were gone instead of going into a funk (my normal pattern when they are at camp). God's goodness displayed in both instances.

3. Tazo ginger green tea. Check it out.

4. Watching the boys play this game on the trampoline: They have a soccer ball tied to a rope. They jump on the trampoline while one of them swings the ball higher and higher, trying to hit them. They added water to the trampoline to make it more fun, and then ice cubes. I actually laugh out loud when I watch them play.

5. This is the funniest thing ever. Tim, I hope you will reminisce:

Redemption

2008-06-16T09:39:00.001-07:00

I just watched these two movies:

1. Atonement
2. Magnolia

and they reminded me of:
3. Crash

The thing that threaded them together for me, is that there are characters in each:

...whose sin/infraction is repulsive
...whose character is further revealed, and it gives understanding about them and how they may have come to do the terrible thing
...who are given (or seek out - in A.) an opportunity to redeem the act. And they take it.

Now I know that true redemption is only possible through the finished work of Jesus on the cross...
but this kind of repentance is so beautiful.

Best American Idol Moment for me so far

2008-05-08T03:57:00.000-07:00

Ryan was buildinng suspense around the bottom two....Jason Castro was grinning and laid back, Syesha was biting her lip, fighting tears...no doubt Paula's hysterical "Welcome to your dream!" running thru her mind...

And Ryan asks Jason what he thinks. "Yeah....I had a friend say that I Shot the Tambourine Man...heheheh...I thought that was pretty funny..." ((His two songs were "I Shot the Sheriff" and "Mr Tambourine Man". Both were disasters, apparently.)
Syesha says all the Clay-Aiken-sappy-This-Is-My-Now stuff you expect.

Right then, if I was in charge, I would've 'thrown a curveball' and made an executive decision to keep Jason Castro just because of this moment.

Liberty 16 Century 10 -- my take

2008-05-02T04:09:00.000-07:00

Since Century girls lacrosse was established, they have dominated Carroll County. They make it to the State 1A-2A Final about every year, and win it about 1/2 the time.

This year has been hard for them -- they've lost to 2 county teams, including last night's loss to Liberty.

Century has a history of producing outstanding players - Kelly Kasper (who is leading Uof Md right now in her senior yr), Lauren Schwarzmann (Hopkins), Jenny Steadman.
This year, they have Katie Schwarzmann.

She isn't just outstanding - she really is phenomenal. Everything about her is superfast - running the ball, cuts, stickwork. She's seriously twice as fast as anyone, and she's deceptive - she can be standing still, wait for her defender to glance away, and then she's gone -- 2 steps in front of them. She consistently stuffs passes or intercepts b/c of such good reflexes. She can shoot from impossible angles, and score. And she's not a ball hog - she will pass if she's defended well. It would be interesting to see her goal/shot on goal percentage -- because I bet it would show that she just makes very good use of each shot.

So last night, Liberty assigned a player to her. Westminster did the same thing - put a defender on her who doesn't even look to see where the ball is - they stare at Schwarzmann, and you can tell that their whole job is to mark her out of the game. She did a great job - Schwarzmann scored 5 goals, which is light for her.

The part that made me uncomfortable wasn't that player's great defense -- it was what was going on in the stands. The Liberty fans booed Schwarzmann when she had the ball. They cheered when she messed up. ((It really was cheering at her mistakes -- for instance, she dropped it once-- no Liberty player even near her. She just uncharacteristically bobbled the ball and picked it right back up. They were cheering because she made an error.)
It's one thing to cheer for your team - or even against the opposing team -- but to cheer against an individual??

At one point, I just sat there and thought -- that's a 16 or 17 year old kid who has a whole stand of people cheering personally against her. I wondered how she was handling it.

The other thing I'll say is that the officiating was ridiculous. I don't think it's good to whine about refs, but you had to see them.

They handed out so many cards to Century that at one point, Century was playing 4 men down. I heard that they were carding people just for asking for clarification about calls. It was so bad that Century's AD escorted them out of the stands because he thought Century parents may give them a hard time.

Even with better reffing, Liberty may have won yesterday - I'd say even 'probably would have'. It's just hard when bad officiating clearly affects the outcome of a game.

BUT that's exactly why I love sports so much. For that one hour, everything matters so much. Each team's intensity, the coaching, the outcome -- it all matters. And even more important is how it's all handled.

Bad refs and unsportsmanlike behavior may be part of the picture, but you know that Century's coaches will evaluate what they had control over and improve on it. ((Draw control was a factor, finishing on shots, etc)). Just like last year, they'll use this loss to make their team better.

It may also be that the time for any single team to dominate the county is over. (No CC team is undefeated.) With most HS lax players playing club all year long, every HS team has quality players.

It's happening in Howard county, too -- Hebron, who hadn't lost to a Maryland team in something like 18 years, lost to John Carroll this year, and then even lost to 2 Howard county teams (Centennial and Glenelg).

And that's even a good thing -- because when the score is always 20something - 1, no one is learning anything.

Joylist 4

2008-04-24T06:33:00.000-07:00

It's time.

1. Green smoothies. Painless way to eat 4.5 cups of greens. See the blog called 'The Green Smoothie Experiment'.
2. My pastor's wife. She's also a nurse, and she looked at L.'s foot (he sprained it over the weekend) He hadn't showered all weekend, had no socks, and was really uncomfortable having anyone look at it. But a friend insisted she'd know if it was a sprain or not. (She did.)
I watched her as she examined his ankle...his wet, very very dirty foot next to her glittery sandals and painted toenails....and she was so gracious to him...I always get the feeling that she truly loves all kinds of people.
3. watching Kallie for my mom and dad.
4. My sister. Found out I was having a hard week and called out of the blue and said all the things bigs sisters should say when their little sister is having a hard time.
5. The Bud Light Ad people. I wish they were my friends. Since I'm trying to eat healthful stuff these days, I'll give this example:

Crisis Part II (mid-life variety)

2008-04-23T10:39:00.000-07:00

So my kids were at a retreat all weekend.
I'm doing so much better. I used to have to spend the night other places when they were gone, or borrow my niece. (She affectionately refers to those times as 'when she had to babysit me.' haha)

But this past weekend, I was able to stay home. Did nothing particularly productive. Nothing even particularly indulgent. Pretty much totally wasted time. Things just feel so lackluster when they're not around.

This makes me worry about the future. Eventually, that weekend will be my whole life. There is a chilling monologue in Notes on a Scandal about loneliness...she constructs her whole weekend around a trip to the laundromat, etc.

So I was talking to my friend Cindy about it - we are same age/same life stage/same living situation etc.
And she said that we are going to do something different than 'Empty Nest Syndrome', a sort of Mid-Life Crisis, but with a twist.
She said that we need to make another kind of list!! ((I was listening! I love lists! JOYLISTS = strength)) This list would be things we are going to get to do once our kids are grown up, in their own places.

We even came up with a name:
PLENTY as in "Praise the Lord for Empty Nests, Thank You...."

Here is one of hers:
Praise the Lord for Empty Nests, Thank You for not sitting on my new Harley Davidson softtail motorcycle

I'm working on it....I'm being proactive....

Crisis Part I

2008-04-21T10:04:00.001-07:00

Ever heard this quote?

When written in Chinese, the word ''crisis'' is composed of two characters -- one represents danger, and the other represents opportunity.
John F. Kennedy (1917-1963) Thirty-fifth President of the USA

Well, turns out that it's not true. The 'danger' part is true, the 'opportunity' part is not. (My office mate is fluent in Korean and knows some Chinese. I heard this quote and loved the idea...played around with the translation tool, talked to him about it, he made me doubt it...I eventually found this ...

So, turns out Chinese wisdom agrees with my experience: crises suck.

Diane Arbus

2008-04-14T18:07:00.000-07:00

I talked about Diane Arbus once on my other (sort of) site , but I had to mention it here since the blog-defining photo of the boy is hers.

I learned about her when I was young...in a photography class...the professor talked about the way she protected the dignity of her subjects even as she fully understood their chief flaw/struggle/disability (visually, I mean). That amazed me then, and it still does. Now I realize that it's even a God-like trait.

The professor said that she had a great rapport with her subjects, most of whom were 'different', or 'flawed'...Where most avert their eyes, she could focus the lens -- and with respect.

I found this quote of hers that explains a little bit of her thinking:

"Most people go through life dreading they'll have a traumatic experience. Freaks were born with their trauma. They've already passed their test in life. They're aristocrats."

I'm attracted to her for the same reason I'm attracted to Philip Yancey and the father in the Hiding Place.

Addendum to JL3

2008-04-05T07:50:00.001-07:00

C and L have to get braces. They really don't want braces, and Cath made this visual to show me why. It makes me laugh.

Joylist 3

2008-04-03T07:00:00.000-07:00

1. the Thriller dance, and especially these 2 sisters who are going to teach us
2. 70 degree days this time of year (along with my belief that God pre-knew about Global Warming and uses even our bad choices to work out His plan)
3. Clif (met him & Barb before i even moved up here. i love how he loves people. Clif sees everyone as worth it. i love the example he is to L.)
4. Family Fun Nights -- the next one is imminent
5. watch about 20 seconds of this, and you'll feel happy:

.....

2008-03-29T07:08:00.000-07:00

I just finished the book "No Shortcuts to the Top" -- by and about Ed Viesturs, a guy who has climbed all fourteen 8000m mountains. I love reading about climbing, because it's something I would never do. I especially love reading stuff written by the actual climber, because I see this thing common to all of their personalities, and it fascinates me: a confidence that borders on arrogance.

When there is an accident, and people even lose their life, there is this calm rationalizing that it was human error that caused the accident, and an assumption that they won't commit those errors. Some of them come off as very arrogant.

I've read a couple of books about pilots, and the best is the Tom Wolfe book about astronauts (back in the day, the astronauts were test pilots, and test pilots were the cream-of-the-crop who tested proto-type planes, testing their limits, risking their life while acting very casual about it, etc..) He shows this attitude in the test pilots. Their friend might crash and die that day during a test , and they are definitely sad, but they also talk about the errors he made. Also, they don't say "crash" or "die", they use casual jargon...

They always say that surgeons are arrogant, too...so I was thinking about this arrogance -- that it's one way to deal with facing possible death (or causing death, in the surgeon's case)...it's a kind of courage, and I respect it. I'd rather a person like that fly my plane, or take out my appendix.

Another way people face possible death:

Lucas is interested in WWII, and has watched the Band of Brothers many times. We were talking about the young men living with their mortality staring them in the face like that. He said that one soldier's attitude was to consider himself 'already dead'. Write himself off - treat it as a given - and then he could go and do what he was trained to do without fear. Learning that made me respect soldiers even more.

And another way I've seen a person face possible death:

A well-respected man at our church has a form of brain cancer that may not heal. Our pastor interviewed him and his wife, and his way of dealing with it amazed me. He can say it, flat out. He is not afraid. His only concern is his family, his wife (he even tried to arrange another marriage for her for when he is gone...she joked about how controlling he can be...I am amazed/emotional again just writing this down). But he is full of faith, and trust. And so sure of the goodness of God.

My confession: I think about the word recently preached: "This is the end of all men, and the living take it to heart."
I want the husband's mindset- not even for thinking about my death, but just in life. The climber/pilot way would never work for me - I'm too incompetent. If I'm honest with myself, I'm closer to the soldier way. My predestination ideas have a little tinge of futility.

P.S. Spin

2008-03-27T09:00:00.000-07:00

I love PostSecret, which I found on Jess's blog, which I also love.

I was thinking of a different version of this...still unifying but less voyeuristic....a lot less cool...but still...

have you ever admitted something to someone...something about you that you thought made you weird and maybe were a little embarrassed about...only to find out that they did it too??

I'll start...

Didn't you ever stare at your dog and promise that if he'd just talk to you right now, that you promise you won't tell anyone and it will be yours and his little secret (even though you knew if he really did talk, you'd think it was demonic and kill him immediately)?

Your turn!!

Joylist of the Week 2

2008-03-16T05:31:00.000-07:00

1. My busdriver Rhonda. Impacts hundreds. Her bus is like a party.
2. the drama kids..some of my favorite people
3. i reconnected with a friend from whom i'd been estranged for 3 years. each email is a chapter long. i really missed her.
4. e and c's fabulous lipstick
5. This - it's crazy delicious

Moment of Truth

2008-03-14T04:45:00.000-07:00

I am trying to care about Idol this year, and this show came on right before it.

At first, it seemed science-fiction-ey, like the Steven King/Richard Bachman novella 'The Running Man'. Then, parts could have seriously been an SNL sketch. I'm not kidding-- totally uncut, it could be a comedy.
(If they decided to reenact it, Chris Parnell as the host, Andy Samburg as the guy, and Kirstin Wiig as his wife...yeah.)

A person is supposedly hooked up to a lie detector test, and they have to answer a set of questions truthfully to win money. The questions get increasingly personal and uncomfortable, often bringing close-by family members to tears.

The science fiction part: A synthesized female voice similar to the Emergency Alert voice in my office building says "That answer is...(big pause for dramatic effect) true."

The SNL part: An announcer-type male voice says things like this at each commercial break: "Will he destroy his marriage for $25,000? Stay tuned." That may even be a direct quote.

Ridiculous.

Two observations:
1. Some of the questions have to do with thoughts ("Have you ever been attracted to any of your wife's sisters?") And they often use absolutes like 'always' and 'never'....I was thinking about how, because of adding that in, they'd have about a billion more questions they could ask me.

2. Sometimes, something is so over-the-top wrong, that it loses it's power to tempt. (Subtle=subversive=ultimately more damaging)
I feel this show fits that description. But then again, you'd think the Romans would've thought that about their entertainment, too. So I'm not predicting that the show will be cancelled....I'm just observing that this is an example of evil overplaying its hand.

Joylist of the Week

2008-03-07T06:00:00.000-08:00

1. French toast coffee from the On-the-Go over at the corner of 26 and 32
2. "Oh yeah Hans? Well, {in korean: I just pooped my pants}, so there!"
3. 1 John 4:10-11 to the Macarena
4. my mom's birthday! 63 years strong.
5. this, continual loop until i'm completely happy:

Philip Yancey

2008-03-03T10:31:00.001-08:00

I love him. 'Disappointment with God' is one of his best books. It's about Job, and what to do with a shattered life. I'm reading his book on Prayer right now. Entire paragraphs are quotable.

I hear people use the word "edgy", sometimes in a shallow way ("has a tattoo in a visible spot"), sometimes in a more meaningful way ("not afraid to say the truth even if some get uncomfortable.")

I was thinking that Philip Yancey is edgy exactly in that meaningful way, and in an even better way- He is not afraid to go out to the edges and empathize with the hurt, the lost, the marginalized. He practically lives there, if his writing is any indication.
But I don't think he's bitter, or just being a contrarian just for it's own sake. (Someone called me that once. I had to come to terms with it!)

If you read through, you realize that he's grounded. If you can stick with his logic, you realize he's not breaking with the community of believers-he's making a bridge.

Taking it to heart

2008-02-29T05:38:00.000-08:00

Recently, a well-loved, godly man from my church died suddenly. His memorial service, at his wife's request, was a celebration of his life.

I didn't know him that well; my strongest impression of him was made on a retreat for pre-teens. I asked which leader could hip-hop dance, and he could...well, kinda....and during the actual skit, he had to do that frenetic dance for about 7 minutes. He was sweating, and he had to be irritated, but he was smiling and so funny about it.

As the entire community grieved (he was a popular orthodontist), we all watched the impact that one well-lived life can make. I watched the slideshow, noticing the many, many pictures of him doing things with his kids, and wondered if he has given more to them in 12 years than some fathers give in a lifetime.

One of the best words that was said about him:
He finished his race at full-sprint.
What an image. And what a different perspective...

I tend to personalize, and that usually bothers me/embarrasses me. (I always think: everything is not about ME!)
But one part of the sermon that day actually encouraged us to personalize:

This verse from Ecclesiastes, springing from the page into a living and active word:

"Better to go to the house of mourning
Than to the house of feasting.
For this is the end of all men
And the living take it to heart."

It may be too soon for some to take it to heart; I know that some are still profoundly grieving. But I also think that to be changed by this is honoring to his life, and his family.

Me taking it to heart:

I don't want to take time with my kids for granted.
I want to take the time to tell people how much I love them, what I see in them that God is doing, how much they mean to me. I don't want fear of cheesiness or emotion to block this anymore.
I want to run my race well.

Right now, I'm just continuing to pray for this family, and for those around who are supporting them.

Luctor et emergo

2008-02-28T09:57:00.000-08:00

Hey, welcome to my page.
It means "I struggle and emerge".

A long time ago, this woman told us all to be open about our need, real about our struggles. "Struggle is a sign of life-" she shrugged when she said it, as if reminding us of something we should already know...you know, the whole don't-crack-open-a-cocoon-to-help-the-fragile-emerging-butterfly-because-the-very-work-it-takes-to-open-the-cocoon-is-what-makes-him-strong-enough-to-fly idea.