Alive and Kicking!

I stopped writing in 2012, for reasons too big to get into fully. Let's just say that I  did finally 'acquire a gentlemen'....and well, let's just say this is my current relationship status:

So many new things since then!
Here are 7 of them, a kinda JoyList for the last 3 years:

• Saw the West Coast of the USA - twice! 
• Remembered what limits and sequences and numbers are...because I'm pursuing a math degree!
• Read everything I could find on Ted Bundy, including the book by his longterm girlfriend Liz, which cost me $143 (which is a STEAL for this out of print book!)
• Wrote to Joyce Maynard, the author, and SHE WROTE ME BACK
• Caught 2 balls at Orioles games, and started "BIRDFACE"!
• Became an empty nester. Which is a tiny amonnt sad for me, relative to the size of happiness and goodness for my kids. So that's a good trade. Plus Imma end up living near them anyways
• Started seeing live bands almost all the time, sorta 'groupie'-ish for a few of them

I'm realizing I'm writing this blog as if I still have friends reading it (during the dating, I had friends reading and providing advice). Maybe you guys will read it again. (If so, hellllooooo from the otherrrr sideeeee)

Or maybe it will now be an online journal of a sort, to keep track of ideas. 

Either way, I'm back!

Welcome to the Desert of the Real

When I decided to start dating, I began with a fair amount of optimism, and maybe more than a little naivete.

I had no well-constructed strategy.
Because I rely on my almost-eerie intuition. Experience has taught me that improvisation works better for me than planning.
This doesn't mean I'm careless. You might say that I'm very intentional about destination, but more fluid about mode of travel.

I knew (and still know) that I want a partner, and everything it entails:

Someone to love and support, and they me. Common goals and vision, shared joy and pain. The steadiness of knowing, knowing, knowing that a person is completely for you, and you are completely for them.
I love the concept of 'complements': One's weaknesses balanced by the other's strengths, and vice-versa.
I love the idea of 'synergy': two people collaborating to produce things that neither could have ever done on their own.
I also want the seemingly simple things ( I say 'seemingly' because I believe they are closely bound to the lofty ideals): Hand holding and inside jokes, just for starters.

So when I decided to try online dating, I solicited advice from a few, intentionally avoiding 'dating how-to' articles or blogs. I wanted my approach to be truly my own.

And in some ways, I think it was a good thing. More than a few commented that they'd never seen a profile like mine. I appreciated those comments, even when they probably weren't meant as a compliment.

Because of recent confusing and hurtful events, I'm taking a little break to regroup. I'm reading books and online material about dating, looking for possible explanations. What I've found is so disheartening to me, well --- today, my heart literally ached.

There is an entire subculture of men and women dispensing dating advice and practicing dating strategies that feel devoid of love. 
In fact, the philosophy feels "anti-love" to me. 
In fact, it feels like war.

Some articles read like a military combat manual-- a "how-to" for blackmail and subterfuge and manipulation. They should hashtag articles about the other gender with #KnowYourEnemy".

Both genders are involved:
Read 742 reader comments about this book, by which title you can correctly infer that women are instructed to act like bitches (albeit, they define 'bitch' with the acronym 'Babe In Total Control (of) Herself") to gain a man's love.
In this, the author states that the advice given him by his mother,"Be nice, be yourself", was crappy advice, and hindered him from his goal of sleeping with multiple women until he developed the dating philosophies espoused on his blog and around the 'manosphere' generally.

Entitled bitches trying to win (beat?) withholding douches.
This is a reality show.
This is Lord of the Flies, romantic edition.
This is war.

Their ideas are well-supported by both anecdotal evidence and hard data. I don't doubt their effectiveness, either. I believe the anecdotes, I understand the implications of the data.

I can overlay these ideas on my approach to dating, and see where I blatantly fail (referring to the strategies for women) or fall short (referring to the advice given males).
Doing so produces the strangest mix of feelings in me:
On the one hand, sad and insecure: At my age, I have a relatively low SMV . I am not wired for, nor have I been practicing any of the B.I.T.C.H. behaviors. It's unlikely I will ever find a partner.
But on the other hand, a crazy, new realization of my worth: I am rare. Because I have an honest heart. My goal is to love. Truly. And...it's unlikely I will ever find a partner.

And now I'm at the decision diamond in this workflow.
The 'manosphere' crowd would tell me that it's Red Pill or Blue Pill  choice.
I'm seeing it through a glass darkly still, but I think there's another option.

Episode 21: Zosimus, and the Conclusion of AAG2012

Zosimus is:

• an excellent communicator
• living on the opposite side of the country from me, but possibly moving to my area.

We:

• Exchanged many resonance-drenched emails
• I love how he writes
• Switched to texting
• Constant texting
• With multiple conversation threads running simultaneously
• And no need to explain anything
• We 'get' each other
• There are crazy coincidences
• That feel like kismet

The Date

• Is crammed between holiday activities and house-hunting activities during his visit to my state
• Maybe an odd first date: looking at houses he's considering
• I'm more nervous than usual
• We meet at a local (to me) restaurant
• I'm trying to read his reaction to the in-person Kiki, and I can't
• We each brought a book gift for the other, both books are meaningful
• I love my book so much
• Try to tune in hard, turn all my receptors on...but that thing happens when I find someone attractive and it makes me keep losing focus
• After the lunch, we drive to the properties
• I like watching him interact with the realtor, I like watching him assess each house
• I like his playful flirting. I'm overwhelmed by it a little. I like when he holds my hand
• We return to the restaurant (my car is there)
• It's late, and he's due home. But we extend the date
• We have dinner at the same restaurant and we drink rum punch
• We are affectionate, maybe too much so, maybe because of the rum punch, maybe because of everything else

The Aftermath

So this is the part that's painful to describe.

• It's now Christmas time
• I perceive distance
• I think of all possible reasons for the distance, I am very good at brainstorming. I'm skillful at generating ideas
• I test each idea, especially the bad ones, against every data point I remember
• I "introduce a toxic element" into the situation, as only an ENFP can (from my MBTI book)
• I have a little surgery at the end of the week, and make the mistake of answering the phone while still high on Versed
• I don't remember exactly what the conversation entailed
• Over the next few days, it's clear that the conversation was destructive

Acquiring a Gentleman 2012: The Analysis

• Cindy promised me that nothing would reveal any twisted areas like dating.
• She was right:

See, you'd think I'd be a great partner.
I know I have the gift of encouragement, for instance.
And there are other things, too, that are desirable.

Dating again has actually boosted my confidence overall.

• It's still so bizarre to me, but I actually attract attention now. I will offer this recent evidence:  We took a recent trip to NYC, and this guy (from the UK, lives in Paris) asked to sit with me. He was funny, and we talked. He (I swear) at one point called me lovely.  We only smiled when we left the bus, but about 1/2 hour later, I was surprised to run into him at a McDonalds. The kids joked that it was too big a coincidence, that he intentionally tracked us down. 

• I feel like I can talk to single men now, whereas before I could only really talk with non-threatening men (married or gay, for example).

But it turns out that I have twisted areas. 

Now, I'm very good at showing appreciation, for real. I believe in affirming people

But turns out I'm terrible at expressing my feelings in a romantic context, when I like someone in a romantic way.
Even when I feel I'm completely exposing myself and gushing feelings....I'm kinda cryptic and veiled and circuitous and deflecting. I put qualifiers on every statement. I must, in fact, be maddening.

I just can't seem to embrace 'the dance' of dating, either. At least not when I really like someone.
I require definition (which can be meaningless, as someone explained to me). Which comes off as desperate and clingy and needy and other red flag words.
But it's not the exactly the desperate/clingy dynamic that it seems. (Salma gave me the funniest analogy w/ squirrels and nuts...you're not supposed to frighten the squirrel by asking for definitions/exclusivity...and I don't just frighten the squirrel. I bludgeon that poor squirrel to a bloody pulp with my questions.)
But it's not that dynamic -- really! I've been single for so long, and I've been happily so.

The real reason is simple:  I just want to mitigate risk.

So I look at everything in negative, or in a backwards way.(I think this is because I'm lefthanded)
For instance, when communicated 'dealbreakers' to Z., I was meaning the things about me that he'll likely learn and then reject me. I thought it was proactive and good.
Z pointed out that most people define dealbreakers as the things that *they* can't tolerate.


I also work from the perspective that no matter how nice it can seem, things are likely very wrong. (I think this is because I watch a lot of movies)
For instance, I assume there are reasons things will not work, and I keep my eyes open for those things. Again, thinking this is proactive and smart. But it's not, it's destructive.



And the Conclusion of the Acquiring A Gentleman 2012 Experiment

I am not as sad as that header sounds.
(The experiment had to end anyway, it's 2013 now!)

Yes, I didn't make it through the alphabet. "Z"osimus should have technically been "T".
Yes, I'm still single.
Yet - I can't call AAG2012 a failure!

I'm thankful for:

Meeting interesting people.

Developing ideas about online dating, and seeds of ideas about dating and relationships generally.

I'm most thankful for this:

First -- YOU! (The readers of my blog are truly my friends! You know who you are!!) 

You are and have been:

• tirelessly encouraging
• wise!
• so, so generous -- offering me your experiences as instruction
• WITTY and FUNNY - you are so smart to package everything in such a way that I can hear you

I am thankful for you, and I thank you!!

And finally I'm thankful for this:

AAG12 woke up a part of myself...or maybe even raised it from the dead.

Geez I feel emotional right now.

(((LOOK HOW I JUST EXPRESSED A FEELING WITHOUT USING A QUALIFIER! GO ME!))

Epilogue

So there has to be a 2013 venture, right? 

No clear idea what yet, going to take a few weeks to reflect and pray and maybe even fast.

Z. does these cool 2 year challenges (veganism, dropping caffeine, that sort of thing.) I was thinking of adopting this idea, except make it 2 weeks or 2 days. 

Maybe 2103 will be the Shawshank Redemption year.

Maybe the Mayans were off a year.

Obviously, I welcome your input.

Submit all ideas, you haven't steered me wrong yet.

2013 Resolutions

Discussed this with Cindy.

I really don't want to make zero resolutions.
And if I do 2,013 resolutions, most of them will have to be things I already do such as "Wear my retainers", which Cindy objected to as 'resolutions'. But I told her, who can possibly come up with that many new things to do in a year?
And she said, "Exactly."
So I thought it would be 44 resolutions...
But, she's brilliant:

She said just do 13. One per month, and then an extra one.

And I said YESSSSS. Except one per month, and then one BIG OVERARCHING YEARLONG ONE for the entire year.

So that's what I'm going to do.

Going to fill in this:

2013: The Year of Living ______________ly

January: ______________
February: _____________
March:________________
April: __________________
May: __________________
June: ____________________
July: ______________________
Aug: _______________________
Sept: _________________________
Oct: _________________________
Nov: _________________________
Dec: _____________________

YEARLONG:

2012 JOYLIST

Lucas 

20.1 years cool.

 Cat

19.9 years excellent

Midlife Crises and Quests for Love

Relationships

New ones.'
Renewed ones.
Healed ones.
Growing ones.
Educational ones.
Edifying ones.
Painful ones.
Easy ones.
Hard ones.
Enduring ones.
Every one.


My Faithful God

There is no one like him.

School Lunch, Dream Facts, Crazy Endtime Talk, and Maybe a Little Bit of Spiritual Progress

THREE DISPARATE IDEAS that eventually relate ( maybe only in my mind) If this makes sense to your mind, too, and you get what I'm trying to say, I would love if you tell me that somehow. Or if you don't agree. Or any response, really. 


1. A local high school's month has been interrupted several times by bomb threats. The kids are herded to the stadium, entire classes are skipped, and nothing else happens. The police investigate, rumors abound, and no one is charged.

 At dinner last night, a few HS students were discussing another recent event: The HS is collecting biometrics of all students (hand prints) for the purpose of 'purchasing school lunch'. Whether you historically pack lunch or purchase lunch, it's mandatory. Non-participants must have a waiver signed by parents.


 Fascinating: The students understand perfectly. "They know that no one will remember to get that waiver signed by the deadline." And even, "Yeah, suddenly 'a better way to buy lunch' becomes top priority after all these bomb threats. Right."




 2. I read an "OMGFact" that excited me so much:

 There is now technology that can create visual representations of dreams. Supposedly, the majority of our dreams go unremembered. So now, with this device that translates unconscious thought into visible narrative, we'll have documentation.

It could have cool applications for stroke patients or others who have limitations of expression.

 But then I started thinking, "Hey! That's probably not why they want to develop this technology at all." These applications could be very, very cool...unless of course yours is the brain being plundered.



 3. I've joked that the iPhone (what's the i stand for? illuminati!! haha) is the mark of the beast (hold it in HAND, train eye (FOREHEAD) on it) because I've been in groups in which all are fixated on iPhones, and it's funny to me.

 But reality is: the microchip may be coming. It's even....likely, I think.

 They chip pets now. I think they've talked about putting medical info in chips. Why not financial information? Scan your hand instead of a card when checking out? Very convenient.

 I was talking to a person who suggested:

First generation -- Basic data, justification: security for kids, medical info for safety
Second generation chip -- Purchasing power
Third generation chip -- 'Read' thoughts
 Fourth generation chip -- 'Read-write' capability

 He also said something about the write code in some programming language having three 6's.


 What These Things Made me Think About 


 I remember a time when I was engaged in a spiritual battle of a kind.  I expressed frustration that, as a believer, I have to show so much restraint in the way I 'battle'. I can't return certain 'blows', and it's very, very frustrating.  My pastor said simply: "Well, we fight with different weapons."

 The 3 things above make me think about one of God's 'rules of engagement': How he does not usurp man's free will.

 This is maddening to me. He could, he has the power.
He could have killed Hitler in the womb, he could have made rapists impotent, he could have foiled the efforts of the atom bomb inventors, he could make the right 2 people fall in love with each other, he could make the right sperm penetrate the right ovum, and on and on and on.

 I am not really precisely why I have a problem with the above 3 scenarios, but it does elicit something yucky in me (like, a wary response). And I can see that it's a violation of freedom in each scenario.


 So for one little second, I can accept the way God doesn't always intervene in the ways that would so obviously 'fix' a situation.

Force/coercion/manipulation just aren't his style. And it makes sense, of course, because those things violate personal freedom, and setting people free is, after all, his M.O.

Countdown!

It would be impossible to overstate Lucas's excitement about this. He is 20 today, and so this post is in honor of him!

Episode 20 - ADD, the Latest Dates, IRL Possibilities, and the Best Dating Story Ever

Separated by topic, so you can scan and skip!

ADD
Recently diagnosed.
The psychologist was awesome, I could have hung out in her office and chatted all day. Her husband has ADD. She finished my sentences sometimes when I was describing how my life works.

She looked at my purse, and asked questions, and after a very fun (and funny) conversation (evaluation?), she said, in terms of a diagnosis:
"Yes, you are pretty classic. Maybe even more so, if that doesn't offend you."

Interesting:
She discussed some of the challenges that ADD brings to a relationship.
Even with a recently diagnosed son, and even with my tendency to lose days on the internet researching things that come into my life, I have not researched ADD. Apparently, I should.

DATES

Raymond
On the crazy site. He lives in the area. He goes to my gym and has seen me there (uh.....?).
While I don't think there's a love connection, he seems a decent fellow and I see no problem with meeting. Plus the whole local/gym thing, it will be weird if we don't.

We meet at a local restaurant. I feel like a real bar person, I love it. Sitting at the bar (I usually sit at a table) and drinking drinks and talking. He is handsome and fit, he shows me a picture of his Halloween costume (Chippendale. Not the Chipmunks, the strippers). I consider showing him a picture of my pug, but I don't.

He is intrigued by Christian morals, I try to explain the rationale as best I can. I tell him he oughta come to my church. So funny:  He has coworkers who go to my church and invite him all the time. I think, but don't say (b/c it would likely weird him out) "I think you're really meant to come to church, dude."
He is fun; we'll be friends.

Sal

Sal lives almost 1.5 hrs away. We meet in a city about halfway. He is kind, and smart, and gentle, and shy. Introverted. (Turns out he's IXTJ)

Conversation is fantastic:  So far in my dating, I have never met someone who can so succinctly explain really nuanced things: About faith, politics, illness, relationships.

The only thing lacking is chemistry.
My BFF says that chemistry can develop.
I have no idea if this is true, but he is worth spending time with to figure it out. I would want to communicate with him even if we weren't dating.


IRL Possibilities

There are 2 people I am running into IRL who are interesting and attractive and then my sister wants to set me up with this engineer she works with (she knows my weakness for brainy and geeky guys..) and maybe this is the way to go.

My friend just sent me a link to the earthquake tracking site, and I may only have a month and 8 days to get this whole thing done, you know, what with The End hurtling toward us with no regard to my singleness.

The Dating Story to Top Them All

A recently divorced person I know is dating now. Let's call him Everett. Everett isn't doing online, he is doing IRL, and seems to be meeting his dates mainly in bars (which he is questioning as a method).

So, so funny listening to him. His adventures would make a much better blog than mine.

The Best One, in which I honestly LOLed and sprayed a drink all over the counter:

Everett shows up at his date's house for their first outing -- a mutual friend set them up.
They're about to leave, and the phone rings. She answers, and after a few 'uh-huh's" and "yes"es...She starts sobbing uncontrollably.
When she hangs up, she lets him know. Her husband -- who is incarcerated -- had just tried to commit suicide. I guess he was being transported to the hospital.
She seems inconsolable. Everett -- who didn't know she even had a husband, let alone a convict one- is a bit speechless.
But turns out she's actually pretty consolable!! Whew! Big breath-- and she's ready to go! So where're they gonna go?? Perplexed, Everett ....complies...and it's "Chili's sound good?" And off they go!!

The End.

Like I said, my hat is OFF.
I can't even come close.

Episode 19 - Quinn

No.
Just....no.

Not an over-the-top feeler like the Butterfly Whisperer.
No immediate solicitations for sex, like the first one.
Just staring.
Lots of staring.
Sometimes with a slight smile.
While I think of things to say and ask.
Then have to provide multiple choice answers so that he can just choose one.
 Or maybe just nod when I hit the right one.
And then stare some more.

"So, this date is probably...
a. painful for both of us?
b. wrapping up?
c. long over...like, it was over after 5 minutes?"


I GROW WEARY, FRIENDS.

Kikiiiiiii Dates! - Episode 175 - Percy

NOTE: I am blue. Blame it on hormones, barometric pressure, zodiac stuff, who knows. But you will hear a tinge of sadness in this one, and maybe next week I will be back to normal.

Percy  is seemingly perfect:
Smart, accomplished. Practicing, serious Christian. (In my phone, his last name is "Theologian" haha)

His MBTI is INTJ, which is the type that is my PowerMate.
((I'm ENFP. My perfect match is INTJ.  INTJ's are extremely competent, intellectual, driven. It's a well-documented thing that for reasons that are very counterintuitive, we adore each other. And it's a supposed excellent match; people say that an INTJ male- ENFP female couple can take over the world. I think it's b/c they can do anything, and all we do is somehow inspire them to it.))

Here are some other things:

• He is tireless with the compliments. Turns out I may like this.

• He is so gentlemanly:  He explained the paying-for-dates-rationale IN ADVANCE and in a way that made me kinda SWOON.  He said that it's a way of expressing intention and care. And men like to take care of things, and so I'm actually doing him a kindness to let him take care of things this way.
• He knows more than I do about Scripture, which is cool. We can float references into conversation and just know the other person is familiar, so it makes it easier to debate. He's Calvinist, I think, which doesn't surprise me at all.

The Date

Met in a city nearby. He insisted on making it as close as possible to my house. He lives far away (1.5 hrs) and drove the bulk of it.

Turns out we have more in common: we eat very similarly.
And turns out no one is perfect.
Turns out we share some very important things on this first date, and it's going to take some time to process.


My sadness:

It's really bothering me how the Dating World is - ironically - so so so lonely.
And more about it bothers me, but I can't think how to say it just yet.