Welcome to the Desert of the Real

When I decided to start dating, I began with a fair amount of optimism, and maybe more than a little naivete.

I had no well-constructed strategy.
Because I rely on my almost-eerie intuition. Experience has taught me that improvisation works better for me than planning.
This doesn't mean I'm careless. You might say that I'm very intentional about destination, but more fluid about mode of travel.

I knew (and still know) that I want a partner, and everything it entails:

Someone to love and support, and they me. Common goals and vision, shared joy and pain. The steadiness of knowing, knowing, knowing that a person is completely for you, and you are completely for them.
I love the concept of 'complements': One's weaknesses balanced by the other's strengths, and vice-versa.
I love the idea of 'synergy': two people collaborating to produce things that neither could have ever done on their own.
I also want the seemingly simple things ( I say 'seemingly' because I believe they are closely bound to the lofty ideals): Hand holding and inside jokes, just for starters.

So when I decided to try online dating, I solicited advice from a few, intentionally avoiding 'dating how-to' articles or blogs. I wanted my approach to be truly my own.

And in some ways, I think it was a good thing. More than a few commented that they'd never seen a profile like mine. I appreciated those comments, even when they probably weren't meant as a compliment.

Because of recent confusing and hurtful events, I'm taking a little break to regroup. I'm reading books and online material about dating, looking for possible explanations. What I've found is so disheartening to me, well --- today, my heart literally ached.

There is an entire subculture of men and women dispensing dating advice and practicing dating strategies that feel devoid of love. 
In fact, the philosophy feels "anti-love" to me. 
In fact, it feels like war.

Some articles read like a military combat manual-- a "how-to" for blackmail and subterfuge and manipulation. They should hashtag articles about the other gender with #KnowYourEnemy".

Both genders are involved:
Read 742 reader comments about this book, by which title you can correctly infer that women are instructed to act like bitches (albeit, they define 'bitch' with the acronym 'Babe In Total Control (of) Herself") to gain a man's love.
In this, the author states that the advice given him by his mother,"Be nice, be yourself", was crappy advice, and hindered him from his goal of sleeping with multiple women until he developed the dating philosophies espoused on his blog and around the 'manosphere' generally.

Entitled bitches trying to win (beat?) withholding douches.
This is a reality show.
This is Lord of the Flies, romantic edition.
This is war.

Their ideas are well-supported by both anecdotal evidence and hard data. I don't doubt their effectiveness, either. I believe the anecdotes, I understand the implications of the data.

I can overlay these ideas on my approach to dating, and see where I blatantly fail (referring to the strategies for women) or fall short (referring to the advice given males).
Doing so produces the strangest mix of feelings in me:
On the one hand, sad and insecure: At my age, I have a relatively low SMV . I am not wired for, nor have I been practicing any of the B.I.T.C.H. behaviors. It's unlikely I will ever find a partner.
But on the other hand, a crazy, new realization of my worth: I am rare. Because I have an honest heart. My goal is to love. Truly. And...it's unlikely I will ever find a partner.

And now I'm at the decision diamond in this workflow.
The 'manosphere' crowd would tell me that it's Red Pill or Blue Pill  choice.
I'm seeing it through a glass darkly still, but I think there's another option.

Episode 21: Zosimus, and the Conclusion of AAG2012

Zosimus is:

• an excellent communicator
• living on the opposite side of the country from me, but possibly moving to my area.

We:

• Exchanged many resonance-drenched emails
• I love how he writes
• Switched to texting
• Constant texting
• With multiple conversation threads running simultaneously
• And no need to explain anything
• We 'get' each other
• There are crazy coincidences
• That feel like kismet

The Date

• Is crammed between holiday activities and house-hunting activities during his visit to my state
• Maybe an odd first date: looking at houses he's considering
• I'm more nervous than usual
• We meet at a local (to me) restaurant
• I'm trying to read his reaction to the in-person Kiki, and I can't
• We each brought a book gift for the other, both books are meaningful
• I love my book so much
• Try to tune in hard, turn all my receptors on...but that thing happens when I find someone attractive and it makes me keep losing focus
• After the lunch, we drive to the properties
• I like watching him interact with the realtor, I like watching him assess each house
• I like his playful flirting. I'm overwhelmed by it a little. I like when he holds my hand
• We return to the restaurant (my car is there)
• It's late, and he's due home. But we extend the date
• We have dinner at the same restaurant and we drink rum punch
• We are affectionate, maybe too much so, maybe because of the rum punch, maybe because of everything else

The Aftermath

So this is the part that's painful to describe.

• It's now Christmas time
• I perceive distance
• I think of all possible reasons for the distance, I am very good at brainstorming. I'm skillful at generating ideas
• I test each idea, especially the bad ones, against every data point I remember
• I "introduce a toxic element" into the situation, as only an ENFP can (from my MBTI book)
• I have a little surgery at the end of the week, and make the mistake of answering the phone while still high on Versed
• I don't remember exactly what the conversation entailed
• Over the next few days, it's clear that the conversation was destructive

Acquiring a Gentleman 2012: The Analysis

• Cindy promised me that nothing would reveal any twisted areas like dating.
• She was right:

See, you'd think I'd be a great partner.
I know I have the gift of encouragement, for instance.
And there are other things, too, that are desirable.

Dating again has actually boosted my confidence overall.

• It's still so bizarre to me, but I actually attract attention now. I will offer this recent evidence:  We took a recent trip to NYC, and this guy (from the UK, lives in Paris) asked to sit with me. He was funny, and we talked. He (I swear) at one point called me lovely.  We only smiled when we left the bus, but about 1/2 hour later, I was surprised to run into him at a McDonalds. The kids joked that it was too big a coincidence, that he intentionally tracked us down. 

• I feel like I can talk to single men now, whereas before I could only really talk with non-threatening men (married or gay, for example).

But it turns out that I have twisted areas. 

Now, I'm very good at showing appreciation, for real. I believe in affirming people

But turns out I'm terrible at expressing my feelings in a romantic context, when I like someone in a romantic way.
Even when I feel I'm completely exposing myself and gushing feelings....I'm kinda cryptic and veiled and circuitous and deflecting. I put qualifiers on every statement. I must, in fact, be maddening.

I just can't seem to embrace 'the dance' of dating, either. At least not when I really like someone.
I require definition (which can be meaningless, as someone explained to me). Which comes off as desperate and clingy and needy and other red flag words.
But it's not the exactly the desperate/clingy dynamic that it seems. (Salma gave me the funniest analogy w/ squirrels and nuts...you're not supposed to frighten the squirrel by asking for definitions/exclusivity...and I don't just frighten the squirrel. I bludgeon that poor squirrel to a bloody pulp with my questions.)
But it's not that dynamic -- really! I've been single for so long, and I've been happily so.

The real reason is simple:  I just want to mitigate risk.

So I look at everything in negative, or in a backwards way.(I think this is because I'm lefthanded)
For instance, when communicated 'dealbreakers' to Z., I was meaning the things about me that he'll likely learn and then reject me. I thought it was proactive and good.
Z pointed out that most people define dealbreakers as the things that *they* can't tolerate.


I also work from the perspective that no matter how nice it can seem, things are likely very wrong. (I think this is because I watch a lot of movies)
For instance, I assume there are reasons things will not work, and I keep my eyes open for those things. Again, thinking this is proactive and smart. But it's not, it's destructive.



And the Conclusion of the Acquiring A Gentleman 2012 Experiment

I am not as sad as that header sounds.
(The experiment had to end anyway, it's 2013 now!)

Yes, I didn't make it through the alphabet. "Z"osimus should have technically been "T".
Yes, I'm still single.
Yet - I can't call AAG2012 a failure!

I'm thankful for:

Meeting interesting people.

Developing ideas about online dating, and seeds of ideas about dating and relationships generally.

I'm most thankful for this:

First -- YOU! (The readers of my blog are truly my friends! You know who you are!!) 

You are and have been:

• tirelessly encouraging
• wise!
• so, so generous -- offering me your experiences as instruction
• WITTY and FUNNY - you are so smart to package everything in such a way that I can hear you

I am thankful for you, and I thank you!!

And finally I'm thankful for this:

AAG12 woke up a part of myself...or maybe even raised it from the dead.

Geez I feel emotional right now.

(((LOOK HOW I JUST EXPRESSED A FEELING WITHOUT USING A QUALIFIER! GO ME!))

Epilogue

So there has to be a 2013 venture, right? 

No clear idea what yet, going to take a few weeks to reflect and pray and maybe even fast.

Z. does these cool 2 year challenges (veganism, dropping caffeine, that sort of thing.) I was thinking of adopting this idea, except make it 2 weeks or 2 days. 

Maybe 2103 will be the Shawshank Redemption year.

Maybe the Mayans were off a year.

Obviously, I welcome your input.

Submit all ideas, you haven't steered me wrong yet.

Episode 20 - ADD, the Latest Dates, IRL Possibilities, and the Best Dating Story Ever

Separated by topic, so you can scan and skip!

ADD
Recently diagnosed.
The psychologist was awesome, I could have hung out in her office and chatted all day. Her husband has ADD. She finished my sentences sometimes when I was describing how my life works.

She looked at my purse, and asked questions, and after a very fun (and funny) conversation (evaluation?), she said, in terms of a diagnosis:
"Yes, you are pretty classic. Maybe even more so, if that doesn't offend you."

Interesting:
She discussed some of the challenges that ADD brings to a relationship.
Even with a recently diagnosed son, and even with my tendency to lose days on the internet researching things that come into my life, I have not researched ADD. Apparently, I should.

DATES

Raymond
On the crazy site. He lives in the area. He goes to my gym and has seen me there (uh.....?).
While I don't think there's a love connection, he seems a decent fellow and I see no problem with meeting. Plus the whole local/gym thing, it will be weird if we don't.

We meet at a local restaurant. I feel like a real bar person, I love it. Sitting at the bar (I usually sit at a table) and drinking drinks and talking. He is handsome and fit, he shows me a picture of his Halloween costume (Chippendale. Not the Chipmunks, the strippers). I consider showing him a picture of my pug, but I don't.

He is intrigued by Christian morals, I try to explain the rationale as best I can. I tell him he oughta come to my church. So funny:  He has coworkers who go to my church and invite him all the time. I think, but don't say (b/c it would likely weird him out) "I think you're really meant to come to church, dude."
He is fun; we'll be friends.

Sal

Sal lives almost 1.5 hrs away. We meet in a city about halfway. He is kind, and smart, and gentle, and shy. Introverted. (Turns out he's IXTJ)

Conversation is fantastic:  So far in my dating, I have never met someone who can so succinctly explain really nuanced things: About faith, politics, illness, relationships.

The only thing lacking is chemistry.
My BFF says that chemistry can develop.
I have no idea if this is true, but he is worth spending time with to figure it out. I would want to communicate with him even if we weren't dating.


IRL Possibilities

There are 2 people I am running into IRL who are interesting and attractive and then my sister wants to set me up with this engineer she works with (she knows my weakness for brainy and geeky guys..) and maybe this is the way to go.

My friend just sent me a link to the earthquake tracking site, and I may only have a month and 8 days to get this whole thing done, you know, what with The End hurtling toward us with no regard to my singleness.

The Dating Story to Top Them All

A recently divorced person I know is dating now. Let's call him Everett. Everett isn't doing online, he is doing IRL, and seems to be meeting his dates mainly in bars (which he is questioning as a method).

So, so funny listening to him. His adventures would make a much better blog than mine.

The Best One, in which I honestly LOLed and sprayed a drink all over the counter:

Everett shows up at his date's house for their first outing -- a mutual friend set them up.
They're about to leave, and the phone rings. She answers, and after a few 'uh-huh's" and "yes"es...She starts sobbing uncontrollably.
When she hangs up, she lets him know. Her husband -- who is incarcerated -- had just tried to commit suicide. I guess he was being transported to the hospital.
She seems inconsolable. Everett -- who didn't know she even had a husband, let alone a convict one- is a bit speechless.
But turns out she's actually pretty consolable!! Whew! Big breath-- and she's ready to go! So where're they gonna go?? Perplexed, Everett ....complies...and it's "Chili's sound good?" And off they go!!

The End.

Like I said, my hat is OFF.
I can't even come close.

Episode 19 - Quinn

No.
Just....no.

Not an over-the-top feeler like the Butterfly Whisperer.
No immediate solicitations for sex, like the first one.
Just staring.
Lots of staring.
Sometimes with a slight smile.
While I think of things to say and ask.
Then have to provide multiple choice answers so that he can just choose one.
 Or maybe just nod when I hit the right one.
And then stare some more.

"So, this date is probably...
a. painful for both of us?
b. wrapping up?
c. long over...like, it was over after 5 minutes?"


I GROW WEARY, FRIENDS.

Kikiiiiiii Dates! - Episode 175 - Percy

NOTE: I am blue. Blame it on hormones, barometric pressure, zodiac stuff, who knows. But you will hear a tinge of sadness in this one, and maybe next week I will be back to normal.

Percy  is seemingly perfect:
Smart, accomplished. Practicing, serious Christian. (In my phone, his last name is "Theologian" haha)

His MBTI is INTJ, which is the type that is my PowerMate.
((I'm ENFP. My perfect match is INTJ.  INTJ's are extremely competent, intellectual, driven. It's a well-documented thing that for reasons that are very counterintuitive, we adore each other. And it's a supposed excellent match; people say that an INTJ male- ENFP female couple can take over the world. I think it's b/c they can do anything, and all we do is somehow inspire them to it.))

Here are some other things:

• He is tireless with the compliments. Turns out I may like this.

• He is so gentlemanly:  He explained the paying-for-dates-rationale IN ADVANCE and in a way that made me kinda SWOON.  He said that it's a way of expressing intention and care. And men like to take care of things, and so I'm actually doing him a kindness to let him take care of things this way.
• He knows more than I do about Scripture, which is cool. We can float references into conversation and just know the other person is familiar, so it makes it easier to debate. He's Calvinist, I think, which doesn't surprise me at all.

The Date

Met in a city nearby. He insisted on making it as close as possible to my house. He lives far away (1.5 hrs) and drove the bulk of it.

Turns out we have more in common: we eat very similarly.
And turns out no one is perfect.
Turns out we share some very important things on this first date, and it's going to take some time to process.


My sadness:

It's really bothering me how the Dating World is - ironically - so so so lonely.
And more about it bothers me, but I can't think how to say it just yet.

Kikiiiiiiii Dates! Episode 17Neville and Oscar

2 dates in 2 days.
And I'd go out with either a 2nd time!

A visual:

A few details:

Neville

• Brought a very, very thoughtful gift.
• Launched right into a very interesting conversation about online dating issues.
• Old school class: insisted on paying for the food we ate, gave me the 'good seat' at the restaurant, walked me to my car.

I'm growing:  When he first gave me the gift, I was thinking, "You know I'm not going to kiss you...riiiigggght?" But I buried the thought, and just received it and was gracious, and didn't feel like I 'owed' him anything at all.

Plus, he's open in a really nice, geeky way: He told me outright that he knows he's contending with other guys and wants me to remember him, hence, the gift. 

I liked the conversation:  He talks in numbers, percentages, patterns. He's approaching dating (he's new to it also) the way a computer programmer would: systematically. I find that kind of thing alien and super endearing. And actually pretty useful, I have adopted some of that approach myself, to balance my squishy, feelings-based approach of "intuition and gut rules all".

We're continuing the conversation via email and other portals of communication. 

Oscar

• Played college sports! And is kinda humble about it. (He was a kicker, and he's like, "Don't tell anyone that." b/c he doesn't think kickers count as real football players haha)
• Conversation was easy, I can tell he'd make me laugh.
• Gentlemanly, too. Picked up the bill, walked me to my car. Strange coincidence: We parked right next to each other.

We met at a local restaurant, and there happened to be a festival in town, so we walked around that first. We talked about parenting, a little about school.

He's easy to talk to. He likes/plays sports, which at first makes me suspicious because I think it means they're idiots. But he's in IT, computers, so he must be pretty smart.

We both like the Steelers, and one funny thing: Apparently everyone around us was listening to our conversations, and the part about Big Ben was really annoying this one couple. He said they were shaking their heads at us, and before they left, we talked a little bit. 

The date felt short, which is so much better than the ones that feel long.

One interesting thing that came up (on both first dates ?!) :  How do people make things "official" and "exclusive" when using online dating? The very nature of it makes it so so difficult. It was cool to hear that men think of this idea, too. (They are the ones that brought it up!)

Neville said something interesting in a later email : Usually, it's the physical stuff that delineates exclusivity. When that physical stuff is off the table, it makes things a little fuzzier. 

Oscar said that, for him, it's been the biggest problem w/ online dating, and it's something he wants to "work on."

I personally think this (and these thoughts are forming even as I type this sentence)

The issue is having a divided heart.

If it comes time to commit to someone, you have to do so with an undivided heart.

That requires a high character, it requires faithfulness and single-mindedness.

You possess these character traits to whatever degree; it isn't something that is 'inspired' by another person. It's an internal thing.

A faithful person will be faithful no matter who they are with.

An unfaithful person will stray no matter who they are with.

Online dating doesn't MAKE a person unfaithful, it simply REVEALS their character, because it makes it so, so easy to stray, without fear of consequences or judgement. 

The people who can't take their profile down and commit to you when it's time, are the same people who flirt with coworkers in real life, and/or ogle servers in bars, and/or go places they shouldn't go, and/or have affairs, and on and on.

KikiiiiiDates Episode 16: Marcel - Sh*t Just Got Surreal

Words fail. Yet, for the sake of documenting my journey, and for my lovely blogger friends, I will try:

Marcel:  very kind, sensitive, and talented.
The date: After a bit of email, finally synched schedules and met at a bar/restaurant in the area.

Marcel IRL was friendly and courteous and very, very open. Shared very deeply, immediately.
*Here's where I seem like I'm flip-flopping on dating views because I've lamented lack of depth in other suitors.  But hold tight and read to the end.*
I started to feel uncomfortable with the depth. It's a little hard to explain.

It's just...well, I've never experienced so many tears on a first date.

Maybe it was the fact that I'd only had a few hours of sleep the night before, maybe it was the margarita, maybe it's just that my emotional maturity is that of 14-year-old boy sometimes...but,  I had to fight hard not to laugh inappropriately, just b/c I was so uncomfortable.

Every story ended with him pointing out the raised hair on his arms indicating the goosebumps, and accompanying tears. And me being awkward as hell and trying to think of words to say and  maybe eating a chip b/c I couldn't think of anything.

At one point, he was explaining a unique gift he has regarding interaction with animals,  and was describing a time when he hand-fed a butterfly some wine.

Things wrapped up shortly after.

My takeaway from this date: Myers Briggs, this guy's definitely an NF (Feeler). I'm a NF! I like NF's, they're interesting and open and loving.

But for eros love, I prefer NTs.
For instance, I like compliments from NTs because they are so RARE and so SPECIFIC and so HONEST.
I like their logical minds, because they are so DIFFERENT than my mind.
I like how they DON'T CRY.

On the way home, I talked about it w/ my mom, who is an awesome person to talk about dating with, btw.

Me:  I think it's just that sensitive men make me feel like I'm the man. I'm a tomboy!
Mom: (all matter of factly)  No, you're not a tomboy. You're just not a very compassionate person.
Me: ((LOLing for like a whole minute))
Mom: Well, you're not!

#TheTruthHurts  #ButItAlsoSetsYouFree

KikiiiiiiiiDates! Episode 15 Linus

LINUS

Met him at his house because he has the helmet and leather jacket for the bike ride.
((It's a myth that bikers wear those leather jackets to look cool. THey're actually for protection, and because it gets cold on a bike, fast.)) (( Look how far I've come! From taking my kid surreptitiously on Date 1...to just knocking on Date's door of his house! Probably should rein it in before I end up in a trunk, unscrewing their taillights to gesture for help out the hole....))

He is a laid-back, cool guy. He reminds me of the kind of guys who my kids' dad would have hung out with. Plus, don't know if I mentioned it, but he's very physically attractive.

We talked for a while...He was surprised at how trusting I am and I was surprised at how good-looking he is in natural light. He commented a few times about the trusting thing (because I came to his house and was willing to ride with him) (which made me think he was evil, then normal, then evil, then normal. Landed on thinking he was normal.) (Plus I text my mom with all relevant information before, during, and after dates.) (Plus I have a GPS tracking device in my phone.) (Plus I have a decent skill set which I am honing that helps me know when people are trustworthy or when they're not.)

He was very considerate (changed the seat out on the bike so I'd be comfortable, had a route in mind and a plan B for weather, had a good suggestion for dinner. Oh, and was hella cute.)

The ride was awesome, as all bike rides are. We tried to out-ride a little rain, and didn't. Even though it's dangerous, I actually liked riding in the rain. There was a huge rainbow out for the last half of our ride.

We ate dinner at a very unique place in his hometown, and the food and conversation - both great. Oh, and also great - the view of his face from across the table.
At the end of the date, we looked at photos of trips he goes on (he does very cool motorcycle trips to very cool destinations on a yearly basis).

And I'm sure you can hear the "But"...

But there was little depth to our interaction. And it's not our fault, I really don't think it is. It's the faith disconnect I've talked about.  I kept thinking, "Y U NO BELIEVE IN GOD YOU ADORABLE MAN?"
*sigh* Even so, I'd say yes to another bike ride.

Dating Kiki 2.0: Karl IRL

Impression after our first meeting? He's pretty cool.

• Accomplished in his field
• Great eyewear
• We're the same MBTI type, ha!
• The awesome Nepalese barista  at the coffee place knows him! Even took Karl to some exotic place for dinner. I said to the A.N.B, "Hey man, you take your coffee customers to dinner? When is it my turn?"

 ASIDE: 

Just look at how my flirting skills are improving!!!! 

To review:  ANB is that one w/ whom I had an extreme flirting fail earlier this year...went something like :

ANB:  Where have you been! I've missed you! (I'd been at training.)

Me:  (red face, brain exploding) Well, I didn't miss you!

ANB: (puzzled expression) Well....coffee of the day, then?

Me: (nods, avoids further eye contact)

Now just look at me. "When is it my turn?" followed by laughlaughlaugh. Practically asked him to dinner.   #SWAG , middle aged category

BACK TO KARL

We walked around DC for the duration of my lunch break, and then a little more. Time went superfast, even despite the fact that I didn't change out of my heels and my feet really hurt. ((Vanity, sheesh. ))

We are both interested in collaboration, people, personality assessment...that sort of thing.

He told me about a life goal of his that he admitted he's only told 1 other person! I felt very privileged. So in return, I told him an idea of how to keep that goal alive...an idea that I share with relatively few people.

Interesting conversation...and I hope we stay friends....but I'm not sure if there will be more 'dates'. 

#IAmPatheticButHeIsNotJasper  

In the meantime, we're now playing Scramble w/ Friends and Words w/ Friends. ( and I'm killing it, haha, but can't tell if he's just letting me win!)

Dating Kiki 2.0 - Episode 12 - Karl Preview

Pasting here something I posted on a MBTI site. The thread was asking if my type (ENFP - we're know for being able to 'read' people) ever has a lapse in that ability, and how it makes us feel, etc.
My answer:

1. 1. This question made me realize a situation in which I'm pretty horribly inept at reading people: 

      When I'm physically/emotionally attracted to someone or romantically interested. It's a huge problem area. And yes it is confusing, and scary, and causes anxiety. It's the area of my life where I'd tend to make negative assumptions...maybe to protect myself from disappointment? I don't know.
      
      It's only when it personally involves me though.
      Check this out:
      I have a crazy knack for reading romantic interactions that don't involve me! This is silly and odd, but I called the whole Jesse James/Sandra Bullock thing just from watching him look at her when she gave her Oscar acceptance speech. I blurted it out because it made me so sad, and all my friends watching the Oscars with me thought I was nuts and teased me about it.
      Then, when his cheating scandal came out a week or so later, all those same friends were calling me and asking me what I thought their husbands/SOs thought of them. haha
      
      I have had several times when I knew that people were secretly dating.
      Give me just a few minutes watching people, and I know who is into who...and who isn't.
      People have asked me how I know these things, and it's hard for me to break it down for them. When I try, they feel that it wasn't enough evidence. (But *shrug*, I'm right after all, which they'll admit.)
      
      But when it involves me, or if I think someone is attractive, I totally blank the eff out. Combined with the fact that I get awkward around people I find attractive, and can't string together more than 2 coherent thoughts, well...let's just say that it can suck.

So this was a good thing to realize about myself, and especially how this affect my Dating Experiment.

Today, I'm meeting a new man on my lunch hour. Just a quick meeting, per Perennia's perennial great advice.

Online Karl:  Well-educated, witty, energetic, artistic. Interesting perspectives, judging from his answers to the questions on the site. I bought some new eyeliner for the occasion! ha


P.S.
I suppose I should say something about Jasper here, but....
I guess I don't understand what happened yet. Maybe I won't ever understand. I'm kinda waiting for him to explain it to me.

So for now.... I have no words of my own. 
I'll borrow from Vonnegut, because I love him and this fits in content and feeling:


So it goes. 

-KV

Dating Kiki 2.0 Episode 12: Reprieve? Reboot?

Lately, I've been reading about All Things MBTI  -- it's an interest that I revisit from time to time, when I want to focus on interpersonal relationships for whatever reason.

So Dating Kiki 2.0 was bound to make me break out my "Please Understand Me" book (well-loved, pages falling out, stolen from my first church library). Now there are 983292 forums online to read through, too, which I've wasted  enjoyed hours doing.

And let's be real, specifically, it was JASPER who inspired me...

[Our types connect on our dominant function, I'm Ne and he is Ni, (iNtuitive Extraversion, iNtuitive Introversion). Basically, non-stop N-ing the entire time we're together. It's relatively rare, we can speak almost in code. Which is awesome]

Jasper and I had several dates, and each one had something really, really sweet that made me crave another date:

Date 1: Art Show
We walked around a local art show. His communication style -- jumping from topic to topic, from deep to whimsical -- my ADD was just singing, do you know what I mean?
One little story: You all know by now that I have the problem w/ awkwardness. Well, the super awkward thing that kept happening on the first date was that my shirt kept popping open. I'd look down and my whole bra was hanging out. (NOTE: My cleavage is ridiculously unimpressive, but this is still embarrassing. Bra was purple at least.)
He pretended not to notice.
It happened 4 MORE TIMES.
Finally, I just confronted it, "Hey, this is kinda awful, and you're being really nice to pretend not to notice, but my shirt...?"
And he was so nice, he right away said, "Yeah! I've been thinking about how to help, I found this paperclip back there!"
And he offered the paperclip and an idea to tie it around the button, which turns out I couldn't do and he ended up doing,  averting his eyes and fixing the problem and saving my dignity all at the same time.

And this interaction seems small, but it's representative of all our interactions, and it flipped a switch in me. That. Fast.

Date 2: The walk-around-a-cool-city date

Date3: THE MOTORCYCLE RIDE DATE
Detail: We went 98 twice! He didn't know how I'd feel about 3-digit speed.  haha
Note: Riding motorcycles is now at the top of my wishlist for the Gentleman I shall Acquire in 2012.

Date 4: The dinner and movie date.

Date 5: The hang-out-at-a-house-and-do-normal things-date

And there may be no Date 6,7, etc. Or there may be. I don't know. I can't even put odds right now.

It's because there are some  differences, and I can't tell if they're significant, or just the kind that I refer to as Charlotte's Web kind.
((There is a part in the book Charlotte's Web, where Wilbur learns that Charlotte traps insects and then sucks their blood. He really struggles with this bloodthirsty quality in his new friend, and I love the idea that E.B. White seems to put out there: how it's hard when we learn things about our new friends, but then we'll get used to the idea and understand that it's not really a problem. It's so so true!))

So now I don't know if I should just keep going, go on coffee dates with other people.

And the worst:  Jasper thinks it would be fine, which tells me everything I need to know. ((Our issue is that he perceives me as having a lot of energy, and he just can't do that pace. This confuses me b/c I see myself as having much lower energy than I did in my 20s and 30s. So I see myself as pretty tame and boring now. I will say that when I'm with JASPER, I am probably vibrating w/ invisible energy though. I don't know.))
I know he enjoys being with me. Myers-Briggs again, he is so majorly Intoverted and needs so much alone time, and yet he will talk on the phone with me for hours and hours. He doesn't like dates to extend 5 hrs (another quirk of his), so I playfully said my goal was to make him go over 5 hrs everytime we're together. Once, we tripled that.
So I know I'm exhausting him. And I can't stop.

And I guess the bottom line:  He is not as into me as I am into him. Because I would NEVER tell him to see others.

So, writing this out is helping me find my own answer.
Dating Kiki 2.0: I keep going.

Today I went on the site, and there were messages from lotsa people. A few were interesting. You all are going to KILL ME, but Felix actually wants to try again. There is Linus, from the other site. And some other guys who I don't even feel I can muster enough drive to answer their silly "If you were a fruit, what fruit would you be?" type canned questions. And who I'm not excited about at all.

Please know that I am not nearly as depressed as this sounds, I'm just maybe a 7 on a sad scale of 1-10.
And I get to see Moonrise Kingdom again, and the person I'm seeing it with is a gem, and she won't even know it, and she'll be healing to be around. So YAY GOD for this timing.

I await your feedback, and I already know it will be gentle, and true, and helpful.
Classy cheek kisses for all of you,
Kiki out.

Dating Kiki 2.0 - Episode 11 Kiki (Jr.)

Pre-work
We'd been enjoying online chats for a while.
Seemed to have some things in common.
Decided on a coffee date....we know the drill by now:  Cautious investment of time and money to feel the potential out.

Online, this one's magnificent: Witty, attractive, authentic (as much as can be online, ya know...)
Getting there:  Driving from work, but no air in my car. I'm sweaty and my hair is matted to my face. Clothes are wet. Walk in, scan the room...and:

The IRL person FAR EXCEEDED every impression, pretty much immediately!!!

And before this post gets unclear, I'll just spill the beans:

Carol and I met in real life!

And I'll be crystal clear: It wasn't romantic. It was just a hunch from talking online that we're kindred. And then a realization that we live close to each other.

And it turns out the massive amount of connections/ahas/yeses/coincidences make that hunch the understatement of the week.

We went to the same school (just years apart)
We knew the same people (just at diff. times in our lives)
We have had similar jobs (and she just happens to have met one of my bffs, who just happens to also read this blog)
We've done the same things (it's just we can't usu say what they are b/c most ppl think we're weird)
We have the same personality letters (just exactly)

At one point, I felt like saying, "Oh, did you come of my mom's uterus, too? ((She would have just nodded casually, b/c by that point every single thing we ever did was similar and it was almost not surprising anymore, and I'd have just nodded knowingly and said,)) Yeah, I figured..."

When it was time to go, we joked about our hug and the awkward back pat and how many hours we should wait to send the thank you text and how many days before the next call. And we dubbed her Kiki Jr.

And it was lovely, and I wish all of us could get have a Dating Kiki Wrap Up Party when i am finished with Dating Kiki 2.0. (Maybe Alaskan Cruise? Perennia?)

Preview
In Episode 12, we will explore the question:  When exactly am I supposed to be finished with Dating Kiki 2.0?

Dating Kiki 2.0 - Episode 10 Jasper

This post could be subtitled "ZOMG"

Jasper, online

riohw34ooi3up97u4i;o

• dsdsdsd
• sd23847cassdhjsdhjsdhjsjhsdhjsdhjsd
• sdsdsdlsjfsfjsrjwerjwsd
• sd

sdiwei;ower3049uersksdjsdjksdjksdjksdjkw34
eraeroiaeroyhgaeryh
dsddehp343049093430493049

Jasper, irl

SDJKDSJKSDSDJKSDJKSDN!!!!!!

• FRDERU34JDJFSDSD!!!!!!???!!!!
• 834SDIFLHSDSDIL!!!!!!!
• 938434SDJKFDJSD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

UPDATE:  I wrote all that and I will be more clear.
I just don't know what to write.
We've had 3 dates so far.
This is how I feel about him:

What's a girl to do?
My 5-point plan:

1. Get my MLC-CV (Midlife Crisis -Controlled version) tattoo of the Jane's Addiction lyrics on one wrist.
2. Tattoo this on the other: Above. all .else. guard. the. heart.
3. Chill the frick out.
4. Clean my house and do productive things for once.
5. Anything you guys recommend, b/c you haven't steered me wrong yet.

Cheek kisses for everyone, and Kiki out.

DK 2.0 Episode 9- Holden, Izzy, and Jasper

Holden

-curly hair, kind eyes
-was the front runner
-yes, you read that past tense correctly
-we had decided that "Yes, meeting is good!"
-never heard from him again.

Because of my friends (present readership , I am talking about YOU here), these are the kinds of things I think now when I get this low-level, oblique rejection:

Oh Well. This kind of thing happens. It's probably for the best.  Move on. NEXT!

I'd like you all to take special note:   Not a single self-doubting, insecure thought in the mix. You might not know how big a deal this is for me.
I feel like taking all the money I was ever considering spending on a therapist and taking you all on a cruise as a way to say "Thank You."

Izzy
 The Izzy section could be subtitled, "Don't Judge Me"

- really devoted father
- in email correspondence, mentioned his kid every 2 sentences
- you know, that thing we parents do when we mention every smart/cute/funny thing our little offspring says/does and we think we're being charming conversationalists
- plans to meet for coffee

On the free dating website, you can take a billion tests and answer a billion questions, and they make a personality assessment for you, a graphic that tells if you are "More" or "Less" various traits than ppl of your age and gender. One of my traits is that I'm "More Geeky" than women my age, and that's the trait that Izzy and I seem to connect on.

BUT, at the last minute, something comes up and he has his kid that night, and we have to cancel/postpone. 

I have typed and erased a joke sentence about how he was prob relieved, b/c he got to spend the evening w/ his kid instead....But I can't make the joke work and not sound mean...and the truth is, it's good if a guy is into his children!!! And I AM PRETTY POSITIVE I did that thing w/ my kids, too....and still do ....

Ugly confession time:

Even though there has been no date, conversations w/ guys w/ little kids has made me think.
Maybe I'm not up for dating someone with little kids. Or maybe casual dating is fine....just not aserious/committed relationship where there's a chance I could someday be "Stepmom Kiki."

 I used to think the Baroness in the Sound of Music was HORRIBLE when Max was asking her about the fact that the Captain had 6 kids, and she's like:

Darling, haven't you ever heard of a delightful little thing called boarding school?

And while I still think Maria is the best person ever, and I aspire to be her, I have a lot more grace toward the Baroness now. I mean, look at her awesome hair.

 Jasper


OK, this is unprecedented: I'm gonna hold these cards close to my chest for now.

Promise I'll tell more very, very soon.

I just wanted all of you to know that there is a Jasper.

DK 2.0 - Episode 8 Gregory

The Date, meaning the guy:
Gregory is a professor, uses words like "Luddite" in everyday conversation.

The Date, meaning the actual event,  in 10:

1. We meet in a nearby city.     Coincidence: He is right behind me at the parking garage.

2. The plan involves getting food, seeing a movie, getting more food.  Question: Why must there be so much food??? I have a certain way of eating now, and I know it's probably very irritating, and there is freaking gluten in EVERYTHING.

3. Talking in the 1st food place.  Observations:  1. I want to take my kid to this food place. 2. Compliments are tricky things.

4.  Movie = 947792734974 stars. I seriously almost can't take how much I love the movie. Funny:  I get shushed by the man in front of me. Me and L. (my other kid) seem to always be getting shushed/yelled at in movies.

5. 2nd food place is cool, too. Observation: He knows the server, he comes here a lot. Conversation is interesting and more personal than I expected.

6. We walk around. Nostalgia:  I used to live in this city and frequent this area, everything I see is making me feel wistful.

7. We discuss online dating in general. Funny:  He winds up giving me tips/advice about my online profile -- the image I'm creating, what it could attract. He's kind of self-promoting, assuming that I'd want to attract guys like him. But in all, it's very nice of him to counsel me. haha

8. The conversation continues.  Observations: He is a gentleman. There are some gaps between us....I won't go into details, but I can feel the gaps. At one point, he defines 'hyperbole' for me. I LOL. ("I know you're a professor and all, but I was a middle school lit teacher, and I know what hyperbole is, sir!") 

9. Walk back to garage, hugs and goodnights.  Realization: We almost don't make it back to the garage in time. I felt stressed, b/c I didn't want to talk any more tonight. I realize that is probably bad.

10. He emails a follow-up thank you. My response: I thank him for a lovely evening, making sure to include the word "hyperbolic" in my note. haha


The learning curve is still steep.
I still believe that Dating Kiki 2.0 is a beneficial activity.
Acquiring a Gentleman 2012 is still in Phase 1.

Dating Kiki 2.0 - preview of Episode 8 - Gregory and Holden

Gregory ......and I may go out on Friday. We will see. I do not know yet if I am available. For some reason, I do not use a single contraction when I am speaking with him. I think it is because he does not use contractions.


Holden ......is the new front runner.
AND WE ALL KNOW HOW GREAT I AM AT PICKING OUT FRONT RUNNERS.

#curlyhair  #adorable #SIGH #doomed #ihopenot

Dating Kiki 2.0: Episode 7 - Felix Crashes and Burn

Review of Felix:current front runner.
former military. fun to chat with.
our plans last week got screwed up, and it was all very puzzling to me
wrote him an honest direct letter, which he never responded to.

We did have pleasant email exchanges and made plans to meet today. 

EXCEPT, mid-week, there was yet *another* ODD interaction:

1. Puzzling emails. Nice, making plans, but....off, somehow
2. I finally just asked him to call me (I'd had enough of trying to decipher the subtext of email messages. Just...enough.)  Like, CLARITY, NOW!!!
3. Wait for it....
4. HIS PHONE WAS BROKEN. It was at the Sprint store.
5. What a coincidence, I said.
6. He can not come up with a single idea of how to communicate with voice. Doesn't know any of his neighbors (what?), no webcam therefore no skype.
7. He has a knack for not quite answering even direct questions. His answers are replete w/ little inconsistencies.
8. He concludes that "it seems I don't trust him."
9. And then signs off.
10. Haven't heard from him since.

I ended up googling a little...and found that the picture he uses online is also used on other social networking sites, and they are all captioned w/ different dates. Like a variance of 6 yrs. (Does it matter? idk...)

NOTE: Online pictures are universally disingenuous, in that we all put our 'best shot' up...((we don't post the ones with our face contorted or where one eye is shut or where things appear to be bulging out of our clothes.))  But to put an old photo and caption it as recent.... seems dishonest to me. Maybe I'm being too harsh.

So, readers, help me out? What the heck could be the issue here? Make me laugh, make me cry, whatever...but any ideas?

My plan:
After I read/assimilate all of your valuable input, I'm going to pick myself up, note any lessons learned, maybe get a pedicure,  and soldier on with this experiment!

Dating Kiki 2.0 - Episode 6 - Gregory (so far) and Felix (cont'd)

Online Gregory: 

• A decade or so older than I am
• Former pastor, now a professor
• Very cultured, very educated, very refined. 
• (At this point, you are asking, "WHY DID HE MESSAGE KIKI? And I'd have wondered the same thing, except that he was clear: simply b/c we both like CS Lewis's non-fiction.)

Sure, it's all kinda intimidating.
And b/c I strive for realness AND have that contrarian problem, I strongly resist trying to represent myself as cultured/refined/educated. So much that I may overdo "being me"....sprinkle LOLs and immature jokes throughout the emails.
Strangely, he still suggests a phone call.

Phone Gregory:

He throws out the word 'Luddite' in his very first sentence to me (self-describes).
Ha! BUT I KNOW THAT WORD, SIR.
So I feel pretty cool when I nonchalantly counter w/ stating my opposite view ( love/dependence on technology).
 (((And nevermind that I read more than I hear these kind of .50 cent words, so often I can't pronounce them. And b/c I'm more inclined to infer meanings than I am to actually consult dictionary.com,  I probably often misuse these words. But he doesn't know any of that.)))

A long conversation, jumping right in to real topics: Catholicism, the problem of Hell, some family history, a little of his dating history.  I feel he is way out of my league, but as I said to my daughter and her bf, "But I guess I'll just let him figure that out for himself."  Her bf told me that is progress for me!

So we'll see --I ended the conv. by saying we could work something out on the site's email...which made him LOL???...(I asked what was funny, and he said, "We can just phone each other."  ??)  So maybe this is the probem w/ Luddites, b/c I was thinking, "But if we email/text, then we can be doing 5 other things at the same time!"

So we will see.


Felix, the current front-runner:


So he never responded to my long, honest message.
Instead, he just sent messages like nothing ever happened.
Brief, light messages. Like, "How was your day?" messages.
He asked to make a plan for the weekend.
I said yes.
I am puzzled and excited at the same time.

Numbers:

3:1  Odds that it will actually happen

7:1     Odds that this will not be a love connection, but instead will result in me learning another valuable Online Dating Lesson   ((Perennia already has a hunch, and told me as much. But she's not spelling out what the lesson is exactly. *sigh* She wants me to learn it for myself, grasshoppa)

3  Number of Times I have been wrong about the "frontrunner" so far haha

Dating Kiki 2.0 - Updates (Bert, Elmer) and a Preview (Felix)

First, let's review:

Bert  - Stood me up kinda, work emergency. 

Elmer - The Most Interesting Man in the World, YOLO guy

Felix - On deck.  I have a strange, strong pull toward him. I may have already blown it.

Updates

Bert:  Communicating via the site. Very loose plans to connect ...never materialized. And today he "closed" me! (On this site, it means you won't be able to communicate anymore nor see past communication)  I LOL-ed.

Elmer: We're going to walk again! I don't know if there's any potential for a romance, but he's an interesting person, and I'm happy to spend more time with him.

Preview

NOTE: This is me, being really honest about mistakes. Like I said, I'm going to share the good, the bad, and the ugly. This would be classified under "the ugly", not like, hideously ugly, but...well, you can read and decide how ugly it is for yourself. 

Felix:  We have only talked online. SO MUCH RESONANCE. Keeping my feelings in check, b/c of the Online Persona Axiom. (irl > online). But I love chatting (typing/writing) with him. He's fun, and not boring.

We were supposed to meet this weekend, and it got confusing and didn't work out.  In my head, he 'stood me up'. I said "no" to 2 fun offers to clear out the day for Felix, and so when we couldn't connect, I was irritated. We kept missing each other online (neither of us like giving our # out, so we'd agreed to use the site for communication)

In my irritation, I may have mis-interpreted some things. 

OK, I admit it. I went back and read the chat, and I definitely filled in my own blanks in the conversation in a bad way. So my daughter, who is brilliant in the traditional IQ/SAT way and also in the Emotional Intelligence way, listened to the abbreviated account over Dunkin Donuts coffee, which  helped me sort it out. At her suggestion, I sent a message that (hopefully) explained my perspective a little better.

(And who knows if/how he'll respond. And so this may be a preview to absolutely nothing!)

Dating Kiki 2.0: Episode 5 - Elmer in Real Life

As previously mentioned, Elmer is:

• well-traveled - job and pleasure
• young-ish, hip, adventurous
• living in close proximity to my work

I am intrigued by his philosophy of life (YOLO, but in truly cool ways)....the idea that if you have a boring life, that's on you...you make your destiny, that sort of thing.

I suspect he's gonna find me to be a monumental bore. I have never, nor do I ever want to:

• bungee jump, sky dive, or anything that could end with my body as a splat
• hang out in s american jungles
• go clubbing in Dubai

In fact, Kiki-version of excitement is that:

• some stores in my town finally went 24 hrs (family of night owls)
• sometimes we get a package from UPS
• sometimes my pug does something really hilarious

So I'm honest w/ him about lifestyle difference; he still wants to meet. I walk everyday on my lunch hour, I suggest he joins me.
My kid refers to him as "The Most Interesting Man in the World", sends encouraging texts to me the day we're meeting.

It actually works out. We meet at lunchtime, walk around the city I work in, talking the whole time. Conversation is easy.

He's really super cool. I believe the things he tells me about his job/travel. Maybe I'm naive, but it all feels genuine.

We end up talking about relationship stuff, which surprises me...because I really did just want to hear more about his adventures. I can't imagine how he'll connect with me & what my life's about right now. (Not YOLO, but more like EIDHCFKMRT  [everything I do has consequences for kids, must remember that] haha)  but I give it a whirl, and explain how a person who craves the creative process ended up in a cubicle surrounded by grayish blue walls.
Turns out he has a family member in this situation -- he can extrapolate a little there.

I am thinking we're incompatible, but he's very nice and asks if we can do things before he leaves for his next exotic destination. I am really surprised, and explain why. He says the nicest thing: He'll walk with me every day until he leaves, if that's all I want to do.
(Which totally makes me want to walk with him every day until he leaves. haha)

We end the walk a little late.

My kids, after hearing about the date, are like, "LET HIM TAKE YOU PLACES. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!" haha

((But he's younger than I think is good, we don't line up on more serious things than lifestyle, and they don't understand that it really is a problem if I never want to club in Dubai...))

So I'm filing Elmer under: "Fascinating People I Got to Meet as a Result of the Kiki 2.0 Dating Experiment".


On deck:  Felix  - Military, similar interests, no talk of meeting irl yet, but he's showing enough promise to get a blog entry =)











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