Dating Kiki: Episode 1 - Arthur

How Arthur presented himself:
Stable job, wealthy, blah blah. Feels we're compatible, but based on what exactly, I'm not sure. (I'm not into money, and "stability", *yawn*...) After a (*67ed) conversation, we agree to meet. Public place, walk around, eat food, etc.

Prep for the date:

Immediately, images of every conceivable way this could go wrong goes through my head. Reruns of Oprah's show that taught us how to remove the tailights out from inside a trunk...Possible headlines following the aftermath of this date....and then it dawns on me! MY KID IS THE ANSWER. If he is there, I'll feel comfortable.

L and some of his friends offer dating advice these days. Initially, it amused me. But their advice is actually *good*; and so now I laugh, but secretly take notes.  (High five to all of my fantastic friends who raised these wise kids)

So we make plans for L & Crew to come along. Not as participants. As the Random Public, walk around, eat food, etc -- but standing by if needed. 

The Date in 10

1. Arrive, park, find each other.
2. Awkward hellos. Words, pleasantries, fake laughs.

Aside: Fascinating to take in my first experience with the contrast of the Online Person and the IRL Person. Not even saying he misrepresented himself -- it's just very, very different. Trying to absorb this concept. Realizing that I am probably very different on paper also.

3. Stores, nice clerks who assuage some of the awkwardness.
4. KIDS ENTER. ZOMG.
Aside:  I can't make eye contact with them. Biting the inside of my cheeks hard to keep a straight face, and digging my fingernails into my hands. I will have to do this all day (self-inflict pain)all day long to keep from laughing.

5. Forced talk, more stores.
6. Kids saying ridiculous things to make me break, lounging on steps as we pass, texting me funny things ("ABORT ABORT ABORT")

Aside: We're exchanging stories, and my heart is hurting for him. I go into counselor mode, because I feel I know how to deal with loneliness (HOBBIES. RUN LONG DISTANCES. GET PUGS/FRIENDS.). Ironically, I don't think dating is the right way to deal with loneliness. I'm trying to convey this, not caring how confusing this conversation could be, b/c I really want to help.

7. He interrupts me with an abrupt invitation to go to his house right then (wtf?)
8. I show ninja conversation skills w/ deft avoidance and topic change.

Aside: The kid stuff continues to be the funniest part. If I could have filmed it and edited, it would be TV-show-funny.Clip:  L to his male friend in a store: "This kinda goes with your eyes..." Clip: At one point, he was asking about my kids and I was telling him about my 19 year old son, and I could've turned and pointed to L ("..and here he is!")  It's hard to convey, but I seriously felt like we had a *script*.

9. Wrapping it up two hrs too late, by our cars. The end:

He brings up the home thing again.  I am feeling sad;  his loneliness is palpable. I decide to give him some truth.

I do well: I tell him that yes, it took me aback, because visiting a man's home is like step 692 and we're only on step 3, and so yes, it was odd.
But he doesn't want to learn. He blurts out, "What step is sex?"  (?!!!)
All my pity turns immediately to annoyance. "Step 12 billion."
He asks for a hug. I shrug, irritated and say I guess so. He immediately asks, "How about a kiss?"
My annoyance is now irritation. "Now you can have a handshake."

10. Drive away. He sits there, on his phone...probably updating his spreadsheet.




I'm going to continue the Dating Kiki 2.0 experiment. Proceed with eyes wide open and brain cranked up.
I'll share here and with friends and be open to critique.

By the way: I'll share judiciously.
Like for this one...if you only knew what I'd left out, geez....
My goal is to write this stuff honestly, while still protecting the dignity of those involved (as much as I can).

Dating Kiki 2.0 --An Introduction

I've been single since 1995.
I've toyed with dating all along the way:  One blind date with Elf. Briefly went to a singles ministry (met a deceitful guy, it was terrible, never again, blah blah), tried online things (but never actually called/met them, one friend makes fun of how i use it to make penpals)....one maddening thing happens to me regularly (it's happened at least 3 times) is that I can meet a guy, and he likes talking to me a lot. And we talk for hours and hours and hours. Yet he never actually wants to date me.  He might say really complimentary things about my appearance (this was 2 of them). He might tell me really deep and personal things about himself that he has never shared with anyone in his life ( again, 2...not same 2). He might accidentally call me "honey" sometimes (1 of them did this. I can make you a Venn Diagram if you want). But as far as actually asking me to be his gf, or however adults accomplish becoming official...never happens.

But this year is going to be different.
This is going to be the year that I  -- in the words of Mark H., a former student of mine -- "acquire a gentleman."

Rationale:

1. Fitting In
My two single friends are all but wearing the engagement ring. One met her guy in church, one met her guy online. Both spend the bulk of their free time with their respective guys. Neither thinks of the idea of letting me tag along on their dates.

2. Timing
L & C are all grown up. They'd like me to have other things occupying my mind and time, I'm sure.


So everything is coming together:

• Kids grown
• my braces are coming off & my body is getting really fit & I am less immature than ever - IT'S A TRIFECTA OF APPEAL
• Jupiter is aligning with Mars
• the end of the world is rapidly approaching

IT'S TIME.

3. Love, etc.
I do think about what it would be like have that element as a part of my life. I make a pros/cons list and assign weights to the criteria and crunch the numbers, the way I do for all major life decisions.
I can see that it could be a beneficial thing. And mutually beneficial, too -- I'd be a very nice life partner for someone. No,  really.



So I will log my quest here. The good, the bad, the ugly. I will change names, but not facts. I will record my feelings honestly, and spare the reader nothing. Be warned: This log could prove to be exciting and romantic, but will likely be boring and mildly depressing.

To my precious readership (all 3 of you really are precious to me,I'm not kidding), I welcome -- no, I invite --  your advice and encouragement, even your admonishment or correction.

The Tebow Effect

((Background: I have always loved sports, and I was raised to be a Steelers fan.
I loved playing (one thing I miss the most about my life pre-RA), and now I love watching. I really believe the cliche that 'athletics reveal character.' ))

Of course, I'd heard his name all season. But I was keeping up with Pittsburgh (my team) and Baltimore (my son's team) and had not even watched a Denver game all season. I knew people loved Tebow (I have a facebook and a twitter account...).

My daughter's friend was talking about him, and the passion was what intrigued me:  He HATES Tebow. He was vehement: Tebow was grandstanding, arrogant...so I was thinking it was something like Kurt Warner or Tony Dungy and how they give glory to God after games.

A friend of my son's said the funniest thing -- that Tebow is going to turn out to have severed heads in his freezer or bodies buried under his house. Again, I still had not seen him play or speak or read any articles.

A different friend of my son's was fervent: "He's a winner. He wins." was the phrase I remember. I don't think of this particular young man as eloquent, and I was struck that he sounded poetic when he talked about Tebow.

Another friend of my son's, who is eloquent and who I think should be a sportswriter said, "I would like to have Tim Tebow's babies." (He's male, it was funny.)

SO -- I made it a point to watch the Chicago-Denver game. I made a facebook status and got interesting comments.

In the first half, I could see why people like him. He runs a lot, and he's brave - he puts his shoulder down and doesn't slide to the ground like most QBs.  He throws, too (I had heard he never passes) But his passes are wobbly, no spiral.

Then the fourth quarter happened. Everyone in the world knows what happened -- it was nothing short of amazing.

And the parts that confused me happened aftward -

He rightly gave credit to the kicker (whose name I know now - Prater -he had  59 (!!!!) and 51 yard field goals- he was a hero))) and his o-line and his defense.  When he says the 'believe' stuff, he's talking about his teammates belief in each other.

I only saw him "Tebow" once. ((My favorite player crosses himself in the Orthodox manner after EVERY SINGLE PLAY, so I don't understand the big deal about this QB kneeling a few times a game.  Christians/people of all faiths  pray when they're struggling/playing sports, big deal.))

So -- why do his haters think he's arrogant?

There are a million articles out there on this phenomenon. They are so interesting...I think the secular sports writers are saying the best things.

Here's where I may sound crazy, but reading all of those articles is having an effect on me personally.
((I'm a person who likes the dark side. I am familiar with struggle. Cynicism is comfortable to me. The glass isn't just half-empty...it may be full of something toxic. Villains in stories are always more interesting/attractive to me.))

Reading about Tebow is making me feel like experimenting with optimism.


((Also - I am as excited about the Denver-Boston game as I am about Pittsburgh-SF. ))

JOYLIST Dec 9, 2011

1. DVR - after a hard week of work, I got to catch up on missed TV - Glee (SIGH) made me a little emotional..I love when Ryan Murphy preaches.

2. STEELERS WIN after a rollercoaster ride of a game. In case you didn't hear, Ben played with a high ankle sprain, the young cadre of receivers was stellar, the offensive line was inspired, everyone contributed something. Granted, they should've killed the Browns, but from the time Ben got hurt to him hobbling to take the field in the 2nd half, to Brown's TD...it was like watching a movie.



3.  My friends - Jane and Donna, who encouraged me to start limping/walking/jogging...

4. I HAVE NO DECORATIONS UP, NO COOKIES BAKES AND NO PRESENTS PURCHASED YET I FEEL IRRATIONALLY OPTIMISTIC THAT I WILL SOMEHOW MAGICALLY FIGURE EVERYTHING OUT

RA/Anger/Precious

I was reading another blogger's post - she was having a hard day due to the RA. Christmas is enough to put most women over the top with the insane expectations:

decorating
parties
gift buying: family, friends, teachers, coworkers, service people, random droppers-in (seriously, my sister has a closet with marked, wrapped gifts for this situation)
cooking/baking
being spiritual
serving
looking festive
being super joyful

Now add in a chronic illness that doesn't care what month it is. In fact, holiday induced stress is probably aggravating it.

((Brief lesson: RA is *not* the kind of arthritis your grandma has or the kind that you suffer in your pinkie when it rains. We'd love to have that kind. It's systemic, it's chronic, it has more to do with your immune system than your actual joints.  That's why stress affects it.))

Anyone would be a little blue.

I do terrible with holidays in general, and Christmas, being the most extravagantly-observed holiday, particularly highlights my suckiness. I care less and less, which is a good thing.



I was trying to encourage her, and I don't know if she'll approve my comment, but I included the line from Precious:

"The other day I cried. But you know what? Fuck that day. That's why God, or whoever, makes other days."

Brilliant. This should be embroidered on pillows, stenciled on walls.
My wishlist includes having coffee with Sapphire, and finding out what other wisdom she's willing to dispense.

5K

Like I said earlier, I decided that I want to start jogging...even if it's more of a shuffle/crawl/walk...

C. ran cross country and track in HS, and it turns out that some of the parents of those runners are now running themselves.
(I've always said that runners are the nicest of the athletes. They respect each other, and are supportive even of the slow runners. The parents were like that, too. At meets, they cheer for everyone.)

So one of these women found out, and she encouraged me in the goal. Then her and another woman went a step further and said they'd work on it with me!

You should know that Donna and Jane are superfast, superfit people (their kids are superfast, superfit people too!). It was a sacrifice to help me in this way. They'd finish their workout, and then shuffle along with me for another hour.

Because I can't talk at all - at this point, I'm out of breath immediately and it sounds like I'm dying -- they would have one-way conversations the entire time to keep my mind off of the jogging part.

There was a 5k that was about 5 weeks out, and they encouraged me to try it. So I did!

I'm in no way ready for a 5k- I am still walk/jogging -- but they assured me that others were walking it.

So the day of the race, L. decided to do it with me. Which was really sweet of him. He did the same thing -- talked to himself the whole time. He played music on his phone for a while. He was so encouraging.

After Donna won her age division, she jogged back to join me! Jane was organizing the entire race, and she found me right at the finish line, even though she had a billion things to do.

I finished in 44:53, which met my goal of breaking 45 minutes. I walk really slow - probably 3.0-3.3 mi/hour. (19-20 min miles) and I jog really slow, too (13 min miles) so that means I probably jogged a little more than 1/2 of it.

We got long sleeved purple shirts, which I love. I'm self conscious, so I was trying to find L. after the race and he made this funny joke about me lurking (I kinda went behind pillars and things and looked out to find him). The joke is still making me laugh, there was nothing mean spirited about the way he said it, it was just true. It makes me realize how much this self-consciousness limits me. (I really did look for things to stand behind so I could find him...I'd have never just walked through the crowd)

My overall feelings?
It was pretty good, because I'm on that MF diet, so I have less energy. It's my first one, I'll improve. And the biggest thing was how supportive people are - Jane and Donna and Lucas. A friend from church was there with her mom, and she was really sweet, too.

I don't usually effuse on facebook, but I posted that I was overwhelmed with goodness -- because that's how I felt after the race, and all weekend.

Duran Duran Live

My sister took me to see Duran Duran on my birthday.

It was fantastic, because:

1. We've kinda had a rough year, my sister and I, for reasons I won't get into here. It was really wonderful to spend an evening with her. I love her.

2. This red-headed percussionist - she mesmerized me!

3. The audience was 80% comprised of women-my-age, and I felt cameraderie with them all, at least theoretically. This is so uncharacteristic of me, and it felt new and great.

4. One song they played - Ordinary World (video at end) - was special, for two reasons:

*It was a song that meant something to me when I first had kids...about leaving my old life sans kids and figuring out the new one. I realized it's apropos again - I'm figuring out life with grown kids, how to let go, what I do now. So great.

*During the song I saw a man a few rows ahead of me stand, offer his hand to his date (wife?), and they went to the side and slow danced. I'm not sure why, but I was really moved, even teared up a bit.
This younger guy a few seats down caught my eye (who had been catching my eye earlier, too), and smiled at me -- we'd both seen the dancing couple, and we were both just feeling/sharing the sweetness.
(And then I gasped and wondered how a young guy -probably 30s - could be smiling at me, but I killed all my thoughts so this sweet moment wouldn't be ruined)

4. Turns out Constitution Hall is just a few blocks from where I work, so we parked on the street by my office. It was great being there late at night after the show, with all the people spilling onto 18th street,  singing duran duran songs and laughing.

luctor et emergo (WendyBird)

I found a blog about a person with RA who also runs.


Here is the first quote she ever posted:

In spite of illness, in spite even of the archenemy sorrow, one can remain alive long past the usual date of disintegration if one is unafraid of change, insatiable in intellectual curiosity, interested in big things, and happy in small ways.


**Edith Wharton**


Here is a quote of hers, from her first post, explaining the blog:

RA gave me the incentive to reflect, running gives me the time to reflect. I think most people reflect after 60 because they find themselves retired with time on their hands. The kids are grown and pressing needs just don't seem so pressing anymore. To achieve this earlier in life takes some sort of jarring event like an illness or accident, either to yourself or someone close to you. This is why I can never look on RA as a disaster; it has inspired me to do so much and enabled me to become so strong, much sooner than I would have otherwise. I would never wish bad events on the people, but I think we need them sometimes to remind us of the important points in life. Family, friends, love, and fun, need to be on our minds far more often than rivals, obstacles, and irritation

Brimming with Optimism

I'm 43 today, or as Annie Lamott would say, I'm 30-13. (I know it's Anne, I think I started calling her Annie because of Dillard. Now I call her Annie because I like to pretend that we're good friends, like how Angelina's friends actually call her Angie.)

I'm suspicious that people might be praying for me, because I'm feeling optimistic, which has been uncharacteristic of me for the last few weeks.

43 is an auspicious year:
1. It's a prime number
2. It's Troy Polamalu's jersey number
3. It's the number of things listed on one of my favorite sites, 43things

So I'm going to make a 43 Things list just for this year:

This will be the year I:
1. Start jogging again, no matter how slowly or poorly or whatever.
2. Make that video about the Birthday Girls (my mom's lovely, lovely friends)
3. Grow a lot of lavender, and harvest it, and hang it everywhere to dry until the smell of lavender reminds people of my house
4. log 100 hours of language learning
5. Read the Bible, and then some (must-reads spiritually speaking, apocryphal books)
6. Walk my dogs regularly.i.e. be a better dog owner
7.  Forgive people, like that Year of Jubilee idea (releasing people from debts)
8. Let people take pictures of me and quit lying and telling them I think it takes a piece of my soul when really I'm just self-conscious (THIS IS HARD TO EVEN WRITE. I don't know about this one.)
9. Dance somewhere at least once
10. participate in that Write-A-Novel-in-a-Month thing that all my friends do.
11. Make scrapbooks of all my 'nostalgia' stuff, even if it doesn't look nearly as good as the Creative Memories people.
12. Go somewhere awesome with my Mom and everyone: like Dollywood or Nashville or something.
13. Get acupuncture.
14. Wear a bathing suit at the beach.
15. create/obtain/whatever it takes to own a treadmill desk.
16. Cook food and bake food, following Catherine's example (when she's hungry, she looks up recipes and gathers ingredients and plays classy music and actually cooks good food. it's so HEALTHY, in every way.)
17. Take a class.
18. will be a GRACEFIEND.
19. Write letters (I kinda started this,but I want to keep it up)
20. either have one of those houses that's already reasonably clean, or quit caring that my house isn't
21. Go to 34th street at Christmas time
22. exercise my gift (which i believe is encouragement) intentionally, often, joyfully
23. stretch my imagination to include the idea that guys can be nice and maybe even trustworthy, but you can still be really cautious about these guys and i don't have to pretend it's likely or anything, just possible, like a science fiction story.
24. go somewhere awesome with my sister for her birthday
25. pray
26. accessorize
27. manage my RA holistically
28. finish my braces vlog
29. start my new vlog (jabba the hutt)
30. assume better things and act accordingly
31. read daily
32. use my commute better
33. hang the rita hayworth picture up at work
34. hang the rita hayworth picture up in my room
35. start wearing GLOVES as a fashion accessory (hides my hands, looks cool)
36. go to at least 3 art shows (scottie's was wonderful)
37. start wearing more makeup, like that lady from Pittsburgh encouraged me to
38. intercede
39. write my dreams down
40. remember: what i love doing, the joy of my salvation, the good things
41. my family: start some traditions and actually enjoy the holidays (i was always bad at this...common in circumstances like ours - holidays sucking - but i want to redeem this..i can feel like now that they're grown, it's too late. but it's not..)

42. my family: legacy
43. love people well

100X watched, still great