Dating Kiki 2.0: Episode 5 - Elmer in Real Life

As previously mentioned, Elmer is:

• well-traveled - job and pleasure
• young-ish, hip, adventurous
• living in close proximity to my work

I am intrigued by his philosophy of life (YOLO, but in truly cool ways)....the idea that if you have a boring life, that's on you...you make your destiny, that sort of thing.

I suspect he's gonna find me to be a monumental bore. I have never, nor do I ever want to:

• bungee jump, sky dive, or anything that could end with my body as a splat
• hang out in s american jungles
• go clubbing in Dubai

In fact, Kiki-version of excitement is that:

• some stores in my town finally went 24 hrs (family of night owls)
• sometimes we get a package from UPS
• sometimes my pug does something really hilarious

So I'm honest w/ him about lifestyle difference; he still wants to meet. I walk everyday on my lunch hour, I suggest he joins me.
My kid refers to him as "The Most Interesting Man in the World", sends encouraging texts to me the day we're meeting.

It actually works out. We meet at lunchtime, walk around the city I work in, talking the whole time. Conversation is easy.

He's really super cool. I believe the things he tells me about his job/travel. Maybe I'm naive, but it all feels genuine.

We end up talking about relationship stuff, which surprises me...because I really did just want to hear more about his adventures. I can't imagine how he'll connect with me & what my life's about right now. (Not YOLO, but more like EIDHCFKMRT  [everything I do has consequences for kids, must remember that] haha)  but I give it a whirl, and explain how a person who craves the creative process ended up in a cubicle surrounded by grayish blue walls.
Turns out he has a family member in this situation -- he can extrapolate a little there.

I am thinking we're incompatible, but he's very nice and asks if we can do things before he leaves for his next exotic destination. I am really surprised, and explain why. He says the nicest thing: He'll walk with me every day until he leaves, if that's all I want to do.
(Which totally makes me want to walk with him every day until he leaves. haha)

We end the walk a little late.

My kids, after hearing about the date, are like, "LET HIM TAKE YOU PLACES. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!" haha

((But he's younger than I think is good, we don't line up on more serious things than lifestyle, and they don't understand that it really is a problem if I never want to club in Dubai...))

So I'm filing Elmer under: "Fascinating People I Got to Meet as a Result of the Kiki 2.0 Dating Experiment".


On deck:  Felix  - Military, similar interests, no talk of meeting irl yet, but he's showing enough promise to get a blog entry =)











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DK 2.0 - Episode 4 - Dag and Elmer

The Means
OK, besides using the online dating service that boasts 29 points of compatibility and does the pre-selecting for you, I also signed up for a free one that some coworkers suggested.

This one is a free-for-all:  You can search anyone, choose anyone. You can rate them with stars, favorite them, messge them, chat them. There are quizzes and questions and polls and keyword searches. The data is crunched, and for anyone you select, the site gives you a percentage of "Friend" and "Enemy" the two of you are.. I'm finding the site to be overwhelming, but part of it is just the busy interface. Which I'll get used to.  Part of it is the crazy messages you receive. Which I'll get used to, and probably shouldn't.

On this site, I've been messaged by married men (uh, no thx ), boys who are in their 20s (uh...i want to lecture you on staying in college and not texting while driving), and finally lately: viable prospects.

Dag

He messages me, seems intelligent. I almost joked around with him and asked him if he gets a lot more dates in the last few years b/c he kinda has an Obama look to him. (I'm glad I didn't, I don't think he would have liked that.)

We decide, completely spontaneously, to meet for coffee. I know this is not the safest thing: there's been no exchange of information, no googling, no checking public records sites.

We meet and have really good discussion for a couple of hours. I won't go into details, but he has some really unique perspectives. I actually encourage him to blog, write, something.

I am starting to wonder about online dating in general. I would have never met this person unless I had put my profile on the site. In our real lives, our paths would have never crossed.

 I am disrupting the flow of the universe right now.  I'm like the character in those movies who time travels and really screws everything up doing something really normal...like eating a cupcake...but the cupcake was supposed to have been eaten by a different person, cuz he was gonna choke on it, and the person who gives him the heimlich maneuver ends up being his future wife. And so b/c I eat the cupcake, all their kids in their family photo from the present year are fading away, b/c they'll never exist. Because I had to eat the dang cupcake. And turns out I don't even want more of those cupcakes. 

It's time to go to our car, which he wants to walk me to. I briefly picture a scene from a movie where a gun is pulled out and shoved into my side and he's like,"Get in the car. Scream and you're dead."
So I play with my phone and let him know that I'm texting my kid...(so you can just leave that gun in your pocket, OK? HA! Foiled!")

I drive away. I do not know what's next. Writing this entry is helping me even think about it all.


Elmer

Elmer and I are planning to meet next week. Very, very interesting person: again, someone with completely different perspectives than I have. His accomplishment is intimidating to me.

And here I go, eating another cupcake, playing fast and loose with fate .... never knowing who I'm actually supposed to meet and interact with.


THIS POST IS A DOWNER, I KNOW. Don't worry, Readers. I plan to have another ridiculous date very soon where I get to Kiki-First-Base (brushing shoulders) and have ZERO deep thoughts during the date and just say REALLY AWKWARD things to him that make him have that CUTE PUZZLED look on his face. SO don't stop reading, deal???

Soulmates

Always a fun discussion:

[Assuming we're not meant to be single]

a. Is there a person out there in the world meant for each of us?
ONE, SINGLE, person? So our quest is to find them? Or recognize them when they find us?

OR

b. Is nothing really pre-ordained, or  'meant to be'? We are frighteningly free to choose anyone who'll have us, and live it out.

OR
c. Is there a pool of 'potential destinies', and depending on timing/choices/circumstances, any of them would be 'best'?


Each is kinda terrible:

a. If I have one soulmate, I blew it. Because I married Mike, right? And if my SM *was* Mike, then it's still messed up forever b/c we split and he married another person, thus messing up her shot for The One. It's a miserable domino effect scenario.

b. I take 5 hours to pick a paint color that I might have to live with for a month. It's taken me 2 years to decide to dye my hair. And that hasn't even happened yet.  This kind of thing  is why I used a Magic Eight Ball to make major life decisions until my early twenties.

c. This middle road is the one I can live with. I just want a little guidance, OK? Just some assurance.

Guidance so that I can dodge bullets and navigate through minefields.
Assurance that, at the end of all the bullet-dodging and minefield-navigating, there will be something of worth.

[btw, it's a gigantic assumption to assume you're not meant to be single when you're my age, etc. but this was for discussion's sake. We'll give Singleness and all it's merits/struggles its own post sometime]

DK 2.0 - Episode 3 - Clarence

This episode could be called  "29 Points of Compatibility? Please."

Pre-Date:
I initiated this one by sending Clarence this charming thing [the online dating service I chose] calls an "Icebreaker". Kinda like the old Facebook "poke", it's just a pretty meaningless gesture that says, "It's too much work to compose an original thought, I'll just pick this phrase from this dropdown menu."

We skipped all the canned questions (e.g "How much personal space do you need in a relationship?") and the Must Haves/Can't Stands (laundry list of traits you check off, all are kind of obvious), and long questions.... and so we tried to gather the necessary information through the site's email.

While I feel I am very open and clear in communication, others seem to think I'm guarded and evasive. *shrug*. So, because in person > online, we discuss meeting irl.

Took Perennia's advice: coffee date.
But HE DOESN"T DRINK COFFEE. (28 points of compatibility?)
Tea date?
Tea date.
He also likes to 'plan in advance'. (Plans panic me. 27 pts of comp.), so we actually have to make this plan for DAYS IN ADVANCE. I flex, go me.

The Date

He drives the longer distance to meet, which is very nice of him. I arrive first, it's a poetry reading. Which is cool, except the guy is doing that Taylor Mali piece about teaching, and for some reason it makes me sad.
Then Clarence arrives, and it's one of those things where someone is even more appealing in person than online (instead of the other way around).
We get our TEA, and sit. Talking is pretty easy, he seems really experienced with dating generally.

We notice how different we are, and think it's funny, and so everytime there is a blaring incongruous thing, I count down another Point of Compatibility. Which he pretends to think is funny.
We're down to about 18 or so when we decide to walk around.

PERENNIA:  You're going to call me out on this. I DIDN"T END IT AFTER AN HOUR. He was cute!! And we were so adorably incompatible!! haha

We honestly just walk around and basically, well, loiter.

We talk about a lot of things, I suspect (as I do with a lot of people) that he's not over his last relationship. He says something insightful that I will have to think about: My long history of not-dating is unusual for people our age. Everyone I meet will likely have a recent (by my def, in the last 15 years haha) relationship...Acknowledging that doesn't mean that they're not over it

We're down to about 5 points of compatibility. I decide the claims of this online dating service are complete BS.

At one point, we walk to a gas station to get snacks because I was so hungry. It felt oddly like high school, or something...eating string cheese on the brick stairs at 2 AM...

It is completely, ridiculously late, we walk back to where we were parked.
Hugs, a cheek-kiss. (Not me, I wish I were classy like that. I seriously want to be one of those awesome women who kiss everyone on the cheek, when they first meet and when they leave and all time time. But I'm not. At least not yet.)

My takeaways:

1. Physical attraction muddies the waters:  We could have had zero points of compatibility and I still would have sat with him on the library stairs and eaten mozarella.
In fact, we probably DO have zero POCs and if he asked for a second date, I'd probably say "OK!"

((I probably should make it a point to only date people who aren't appealing to me. No I shouldn't. Yes I should. READERS, HELP.))
2. It's a lot harder to write about dates that aren't terrible.

Dating Kiki 2.0 Episode 2 - Bert

"Bert" is currently the front runner, based on vague, Malcolm-Gladwell-Blink-ey impressions that I get from the emails.

I'm holding onto these impressions very loosely, though, because of Online Persona thing (even people trying to represent themselves accurately seem very different in real life).

I happened to be going to a suburb near where Bert resides, so I was going to tack on meeting him.

Plans to have a 'cup of coffee'. My virtual friends who read this blog are giving me fantastic advice, and a coffee date was a tip from a virtual bff Perennia (HI PERENNIA).
Her rationale: If it's a good date, you both leave wanting a 2nd one. And if it's horrible, you're only out 5 bucks and a half hour of your precious life.  That's solid advice.

So the plans happen on email. He is working, but tells me his schedule. I do the awkward first *67 call.
No answer. Leave a message. Hours. No reply. I briefly wonder if it's my voice. (2 people have said that I sound different than they expected. They're always quick to say that it's not bad, which tells me that it is, in fact, bad.) I shrug, and enjoy the heck out of the rest of the day and the real reason I was there.

He finally sends a message. Emergency at work, he's still there, sorry blah blah blah.
I laugh (smirk) at this flimsy excuse, but a friend reminds me of something I said earlier during the drive (in a completely unrelated conversation, this guy is hella smart, a student at a topnotch university, and he was teaching me about Immanual Kant).
I had said that I want to be one of those people who assumes the best possible motivations in others. Sees people in the best possible light. It'd be good for me, for them, good karma-wise, etc. And even somehow do this without lying to myself all the time.
So he challenged me -- look! Right away, a perfect opportunity to practice this new attitude!

So I did! I pretended that Bert really was working late! I pretended that he was sorry, and I pretended that I didn't get blown off.
Bert sent more messages when he "got home from work", and now I have to decide if I should pretend they're worth answering.

Thoughts, readers??

Dating Kiki: Episode 1 - Arthur

How Arthur presented himself:
Stable job, wealthy, blah blah. Feels we're compatible, but based on what exactly, I'm not sure. (I'm not into money, and "stability", *yawn*...) After a (*67ed) conversation, we agree to meet. Public place, walk around, eat food, etc.

Prep for the date:

Immediately, images of every conceivable way this could go wrong goes through my head. Reruns of Oprah's show that taught us how to remove the tailights out from inside a trunk...Possible headlines following the aftermath of this date....and then it dawns on me! MY KID IS THE ANSWER. If he is there, I'll feel comfortable.

L and some of his friends offer dating advice these days. Initially, it amused me. But their advice is actually *good*; and so now I laugh, but secretly take notes.  (High five to all of my fantastic friends who raised these wise kids)

So we make plans for L & Crew to come along. Not as participants. As the Random Public, walk around, eat food, etc -- but standing by if needed. 

The Date in 10

1. Arrive, park, find each other.
2. Awkward hellos. Words, pleasantries, fake laughs.

Aside: Fascinating to take in my first experience with the contrast of the Online Person and the IRL Person. Not even saying he misrepresented himself -- it's just very, very different. Trying to absorb this concept. Realizing that I am probably very different on paper also.

3. Stores, nice clerks who assuage some of the awkwardness.
4. KIDS ENTER. ZOMG.
Aside:  I can't make eye contact with them. Biting the inside of my cheeks hard to keep a straight face, and digging my fingernails into my hands. I will have to do this all day (self-inflict pain)all day long to keep from laughing.

5. Forced talk, more stores.
6. Kids saying ridiculous things to make me break, lounging on steps as we pass, texting me funny things ("ABORT ABORT ABORT")

Aside: We're exchanging stories, and my heart is hurting for him. I go into counselor mode, because I feel I know how to deal with loneliness (HOBBIES. RUN LONG DISTANCES. GET PUGS/FRIENDS.). Ironically, I don't think dating is the right way to deal with loneliness. I'm trying to convey this, not caring how confusing this conversation could be, b/c I really want to help.

7. He interrupts me with an abrupt invitation to go to his house right then (wtf?)
8. I show ninja conversation skills w/ deft avoidance and topic change.

Aside: The kid stuff continues to be the funniest part. If I could have filmed it and edited, it would be TV-show-funny.Clip:  L to his male friend in a store: "This kinda goes with your eyes..." Clip: At one point, he was asking about my kids and I was telling him about my 19 year old son, and I could've turned and pointed to L ("..and here he is!")  It's hard to convey, but I seriously felt like we had a *script*.

9. Wrapping it up two hrs too late, by our cars. The end:

He brings up the home thing again.  I am feeling sad;  his loneliness is palpable. I decide to give him some truth.

I do well: I tell him that yes, it took me aback, because visiting a man's home is like step 692 and we're only on step 3, and so yes, it was odd.
But he doesn't want to learn. He blurts out, "What step is sex?"  (?!!!)
All my pity turns immediately to annoyance. "Step 12 billion."
He asks for a hug. I shrug, irritated and say I guess so. He immediately asks, "How about a kiss?"
My annoyance is now irritation. "Now you can have a handshake."

10. Drive away. He sits there, on his phone...probably updating his spreadsheet.




I'm going to continue the Dating Kiki 2.0 experiment. Proceed with eyes wide open and brain cranked up.
I'll share here and with friends and be open to critique.

By the way: I'll share judiciously.
Like for this one...if you only knew what I'd left out, geez....
My goal is to write this stuff honestly, while still protecting the dignity of those involved (as much as I can).

Dating Kiki 2.0 --An Introduction

I've been single since 1995.
I've toyed with dating all along the way:  One blind date with Elf. Briefly went to a singles ministry (met a deceitful guy, it was terrible, never again, blah blah), tried online things (but never actually called/met them, one friend makes fun of how i use it to make penpals)....one maddening thing happens to me regularly (it's happened at least 3 times) is that I can meet a guy, and he likes talking to me a lot. And we talk for hours and hours and hours. Yet he never actually wants to date me.  He might say really complimentary things about my appearance (this was 2 of them). He might tell me really deep and personal things about himself that he has never shared with anyone in his life ( again, 2...not same 2). He might accidentally call me "honey" sometimes (1 of them did this. I can make you a Venn Diagram if you want). But as far as actually asking me to be his gf, or however adults accomplish becoming official...never happens.

But this year is going to be different.
This is going to be the year that I  -- in the words of Mark H., a former student of mine -- "acquire a gentleman."

Rationale:

1. Fitting In
My two single friends are all but wearing the engagement ring. One met her guy in church, one met her guy online. Both spend the bulk of their free time with their respective guys. Neither thinks of the idea of letting me tag along on their dates.

2. Timing
L & C are all grown up. They'd like me to have other things occupying my mind and time, I'm sure.


So everything is coming together:

• Kids grown
• my braces are coming off & my body is getting really fit & I am less immature than ever - IT'S A TRIFECTA OF APPEAL
• Jupiter is aligning with Mars
• the end of the world is rapidly approaching

IT'S TIME.

3. Love, etc.
I do think about what it would be like have that element as a part of my life. I make a pros/cons list and assign weights to the criteria and crunch the numbers, the way I do for all major life decisions.
I can see that it could be a beneficial thing. And mutually beneficial, too -- I'd be a very nice life partner for someone. No,  really.



So I will log my quest here. The good, the bad, the ugly. I will change names, but not facts. I will record my feelings honestly, and spare the reader nothing. Be warned: This log could prove to be exciting and romantic, but will likely be boring and mildly depressing.

To my precious readership (all 3 of you really are precious to me,I'm not kidding), I welcome -- no, I invite --  your advice and encouragement, even your admonishment or correction.

The Tebow Effect

((Background: I have always loved sports, and I was raised to be a Steelers fan.
I loved playing (one thing I miss the most about my life pre-RA), and now I love watching. I really believe the cliche that 'athletics reveal character.' ))

Of course, I'd heard his name all season. But I was keeping up with Pittsburgh (my team) and Baltimore (my son's team) and had not even watched a Denver game all season. I knew people loved Tebow (I have a facebook and a twitter account...).

My daughter's friend was talking about him, and the passion was what intrigued me:  He HATES Tebow. He was vehement: Tebow was grandstanding, arrogant...so I was thinking it was something like Kurt Warner or Tony Dungy and how they give glory to God after games.

A friend of my son's said the funniest thing -- that Tebow is going to turn out to have severed heads in his freezer or bodies buried under his house. Again, I still had not seen him play or speak or read any articles.

A different friend of my son's was fervent: "He's a winner. He wins." was the phrase I remember. I don't think of this particular young man as eloquent, and I was struck that he sounded poetic when he talked about Tebow.

Another friend of my son's, who is eloquent and who I think should be a sportswriter said, "I would like to have Tim Tebow's babies." (He's male, it was funny.)

SO -- I made it a point to watch the Chicago-Denver game. I made a facebook status and got interesting comments.

In the first half, I could see why people like him. He runs a lot, and he's brave - he puts his shoulder down and doesn't slide to the ground like most QBs.  He throws, too (I had heard he never passes) But his passes are wobbly, no spiral.

Then the fourth quarter happened. Everyone in the world knows what happened -- it was nothing short of amazing.

And the parts that confused me happened aftward -

He rightly gave credit to the kicker (whose name I know now - Prater -he had  59 (!!!!) and 51 yard field goals- he was a hero))) and his o-line and his defense.  When he says the 'believe' stuff, he's talking about his teammates belief in each other.

I only saw him "Tebow" once. ((My favorite player crosses himself in the Orthodox manner after EVERY SINGLE PLAY, so I don't understand the big deal about this QB kneeling a few times a game.  Christians/people of all faiths  pray when they're struggling/playing sports, big deal.))

So -- why do his haters think he's arrogant?

There are a million articles out there on this phenomenon. They are so interesting...I think the secular sports writers are saying the best things.

Here's where I may sound crazy, but reading all of those articles is having an effect on me personally.
((I'm a person who likes the dark side. I am familiar with struggle. Cynicism is comfortable to me. The glass isn't just half-empty...it may be full of something toxic. Villains in stories are always more interesting/attractive to me.))

Reading about Tebow is making me feel like experimenting with optimism.


((Also - I am as excited about the Denver-Boston game as I am about Pittsburgh-SF. ))

JOYLIST Dec 9, 2011

1. DVR - after a hard week of work, I got to catch up on missed TV - Glee (SIGH) made me a little emotional..I love when Ryan Murphy preaches.

2. STEELERS WIN after a rollercoaster ride of a game. In case you didn't hear, Ben played with a high ankle sprain, the young cadre of receivers was stellar, the offensive line was inspired, everyone contributed something. Granted, they should've killed the Browns, but from the time Ben got hurt to him hobbling to take the field in the 2nd half, to Brown's TD...it was like watching a movie.



3.  My friends - Jane and Donna, who encouraged me to start limping/walking/jogging...

4. I HAVE NO DECORATIONS UP, NO COOKIES BAKES AND NO PRESENTS PURCHASED YET I FEEL IRRATIONALLY OPTIMISTIC THAT I WILL SOMEHOW MAGICALLY FIGURE EVERYTHING OUT

RA/Anger/Precious

I was reading another blogger's post - she was having a hard day due to the RA. Christmas is enough to put most women over the top with the insane expectations:

decorating
parties
gift buying: family, friends, teachers, coworkers, service people, random droppers-in (seriously, my sister has a closet with marked, wrapped gifts for this situation)
cooking/baking
being spiritual
serving
looking festive
being super joyful

Now add in a chronic illness that doesn't care what month it is. In fact, holiday induced stress is probably aggravating it.

((Brief lesson: RA is *not* the kind of arthritis your grandma has or the kind that you suffer in your pinkie when it rains. We'd love to have that kind. It's systemic, it's chronic, it has more to do with your immune system than your actual joints.  That's why stress affects it.))

Anyone would be a little blue.

I do terrible with holidays in general, and Christmas, being the most extravagantly-observed holiday, particularly highlights my suckiness. I care less and less, which is a good thing.



I was trying to encourage her, and I don't know if she'll approve my comment, but I included the line from Precious:

"The other day I cried. But you know what? Fuck that day. That's why God, or whoever, makes other days."

Brilliant. This should be embroidered on pillows, stenciled on walls.
My wishlist includes having coffee with Sapphire, and finding out what other wisdom she's willing to dispense.