The Tebow Effect

((Background: I have always loved sports, and I was raised to be a Steelers fan.
I loved playing (one thing I miss the most about my life pre-RA), and now I love watching. I really believe the cliche that 'athletics reveal character.' ))

Of course, I'd heard his name all season. But I was keeping up with Pittsburgh (my team) and Baltimore (my son's team) and had not even watched a Denver game all season. I knew people loved Tebow (I have a facebook and a twitter account...).

My daughter's friend was talking about him, and the passion was what intrigued me:  He HATES Tebow. He was vehement: Tebow was grandstanding, arrogant...so I was thinking it was something like Kurt Warner or Tony Dungy and how they give glory to God after games.

A friend of my son's said the funniest thing -- that Tebow is going to turn out to have severed heads in his freezer or bodies buried under his house. Again, I still had not seen him play or speak or read any articles.

A different friend of my son's was fervent: "He's a winner. He wins." was the phrase I remember. I don't think of this particular young man as eloquent, and I was struck that he sounded poetic when he talked about Tebow.

Another friend of my son's, who is eloquent and who I think should be a sportswriter said, "I would like to have Tim Tebow's babies." (He's male, it was funny.)

SO -- I made it a point to watch the Chicago-Denver game. I made a facebook status and got interesting comments.

In the first half, I could see why people like him. He runs a lot, and he's brave - he puts his shoulder down and doesn't slide to the ground like most QBs.  He throws, too (I had heard he never passes) But his passes are wobbly, no spiral.

Then the fourth quarter happened. Everyone in the world knows what happened -- it was nothing short of amazing.

And the parts that confused me happened aftward -

He rightly gave credit to the kicker (whose name I know now - Prater -he had  59 (!!!!) and 51 yard field goals- he was a hero))) and his o-line and his defense.  When he says the 'believe' stuff, he's talking about his teammates belief in each other.

I only saw him "Tebow" once. ((My favorite player crosses himself in the Orthodox manner after EVERY SINGLE PLAY, so I don't understand the big deal about this QB kneeling a few times a game.  Christians/people of all faiths  pray when they're struggling/playing sports, big deal.))

So -- why do his haters think he's arrogant?

There are a million articles out there on this phenomenon. They are so interesting...I think the secular sports writers are saying the best things.

Here's where I may sound crazy, but reading all of those articles is having an effect on me personally.
((I'm a person who likes the dark side. I am familiar with struggle. Cynicism is comfortable to me. The glass isn't just half-empty...it may be full of something toxic. Villains in stories are always more interesting/attractive to me.))

Reading about Tebow is making me feel like experimenting with optimism.


((Also - I am as excited about the Denver-Boston game as I am about Pittsburgh-SF. ))

JOYLIST Dec 9, 2011

1. DVR - after a hard week of work, I got to catch up on missed TV - Glee (SIGH) made me a little emotional..I love when Ryan Murphy preaches.

2. STEELERS WIN after a rollercoaster ride of a game. In case you didn't hear, Ben played with a high ankle sprain, the young cadre of receivers was stellar, the offensive line was inspired, everyone contributed something. Granted, they should've killed the Browns, but from the time Ben got hurt to him hobbling to take the field in the 2nd half, to Brown's TD...it was like watching a movie.



3.  My friends - Jane and Donna, who encouraged me to start limping/walking/jogging...

4. I HAVE NO DECORATIONS UP, NO COOKIES BAKES AND NO PRESENTS PURCHASED YET I FEEL IRRATIONALLY OPTIMISTIC THAT I WILL SOMEHOW MAGICALLY FIGURE EVERYTHING OUT

RA/Anger/Precious

I was reading another blogger's post - she was having a hard day due to the RA. Christmas is enough to put most women over the top with the insane expectations:

decorating
parties
gift buying: family, friends, teachers, coworkers, service people, random droppers-in (seriously, my sister has a closet with marked, wrapped gifts for this situation)
cooking/baking
being spiritual
serving
looking festive
being super joyful

Now add in a chronic illness that doesn't care what month it is. In fact, holiday induced stress is probably aggravating it.

((Brief lesson: RA is *not* the kind of arthritis your grandma has or the kind that you suffer in your pinkie when it rains. We'd love to have that kind. It's systemic, it's chronic, it has more to do with your immune system than your actual joints.  That's why stress affects it.))

Anyone would be a little blue.

I do terrible with holidays in general, and Christmas, being the most extravagantly-observed holiday, particularly highlights my suckiness. I care less and less, which is a good thing.



I was trying to encourage her, and I don't know if she'll approve my comment, but I included the line from Precious:

"The other day I cried. But you know what? Fuck that day. That's why God, or whoever, makes other days."

Brilliant. This should be embroidered on pillows, stenciled on walls.
My wishlist includes having coffee with Sapphire, and finding out what other wisdom she's willing to dispense.

5K

Like I said earlier, I decided that I want to start jogging...even if it's more of a shuffle/crawl/walk...

C. ran cross country and track in HS, and it turns out that some of the parents of those runners are now running themselves.
(I've always said that runners are the nicest of the athletes. They respect each other, and are supportive even of the slow runners. The parents were like that, too. At meets, they cheer for everyone.)

So one of these women found out, and she encouraged me in the goal. Then her and another woman went a step further and said they'd work on it with me!

You should know that Donna and Jane are superfast, superfit people (their kids are superfast, superfit people too!). It was a sacrifice to help me in this way. They'd finish their workout, and then shuffle along with me for another hour.

Because I can't talk at all - at this point, I'm out of breath immediately and it sounds like I'm dying -- they would have one-way conversations the entire time to keep my mind off of the jogging part.

There was a 5k that was about 5 weeks out, and they encouraged me to try it. So I did!

I'm in no way ready for a 5k- I am still walk/jogging -- but they assured me that others were walking it.

So the day of the race, L. decided to do it with me. Which was really sweet of him. He did the same thing -- talked to himself the whole time. He played music on his phone for a while. He was so encouraging.

After Donna won her age division, she jogged back to join me! Jane was organizing the entire race, and she found me right at the finish line, even though she had a billion things to do.

I finished in 44:53, which met my goal of breaking 45 minutes. I walk really slow - probably 3.0-3.3 mi/hour. (19-20 min miles) and I jog really slow, too (13 min miles) so that means I probably jogged a little more than 1/2 of it.

We got long sleeved purple shirts, which I love. I'm self conscious, so I was trying to find L. after the race and he made this funny joke about me lurking (I kinda went behind pillars and things and looked out to find him). The joke is still making me laugh, there was nothing mean spirited about the way he said it, it was just true. It makes me realize how much this self-consciousness limits me. (I really did look for things to stand behind so I could find him...I'd have never just walked through the crowd)

My overall feelings?
It was pretty good, because I'm on that MF diet, so I have less energy. It's my first one, I'll improve. And the biggest thing was how supportive people are - Jane and Donna and Lucas. A friend from church was there with her mom, and she was really sweet, too.

I don't usually effuse on facebook, but I posted that I was overwhelmed with goodness -- because that's how I felt after the race, and all weekend.

Duran Duran Live

My sister took me to see Duran Duran on my birthday.

It was fantastic, because:

1. We've kinda had a rough year, my sister and I, for reasons I won't get into here. It was really wonderful to spend an evening with her. I love her.

2. This red-headed percussionist - she mesmerized me!

3. The audience was 80% comprised of women-my-age, and I felt cameraderie with them all, at least theoretically. This is so uncharacteristic of me, and it felt new and great.

4. One song they played - Ordinary World (video at end) - was special, for two reasons:

*It was a song that meant something to me when I first had kids...about leaving my old life sans kids and figuring out the new one. I realized it's apropos again - I'm figuring out life with grown kids, how to let go, what I do now. So great.

*During the song I saw a man a few rows ahead of me stand, offer his hand to his date (wife?), and they went to the side and slow danced. I'm not sure why, but I was really moved, even teared up a bit.
This younger guy a few seats down caught my eye (who had been catching my eye earlier, too), and smiled at me -- we'd both seen the dancing couple, and we were both just feeling/sharing the sweetness.
(And then I gasped and wondered how a young guy -probably 30s - could be smiling at me, but I killed all my thoughts so this sweet moment wouldn't be ruined)

4. Turns out Constitution Hall is just a few blocks from where I work, so we parked on the street by my office. It was great being there late at night after the show, with all the people spilling onto 18th street,  singing duran duran songs and laughing.

luctor et emergo (WendyBird)

I found a blog about a person with RA who also runs.


Here is the first quote she ever posted:

In spite of illness, in spite even of the archenemy sorrow, one can remain alive long past the usual date of disintegration if one is unafraid of change, insatiable in intellectual curiosity, interested in big things, and happy in small ways.


**Edith Wharton**


Here is a quote of hers, from her first post, explaining the blog:

RA gave me the incentive to reflect, running gives me the time to reflect. I think most people reflect after 60 because they find themselves retired with time on their hands. The kids are grown and pressing needs just don't seem so pressing anymore. To achieve this earlier in life takes some sort of jarring event like an illness or accident, either to yourself or someone close to you. This is why I can never look on RA as a disaster; it has inspired me to do so much and enabled me to become so strong, much sooner than I would have otherwise. I would never wish bad events on the people, but I think we need them sometimes to remind us of the important points in life. Family, friends, love, and fun, need to be on our minds far more often than rivals, obstacles, and irritation

Brimming with Optimism

I'm 43 today, or as Annie Lamott would say, I'm 30-13. (I know it's Anne, I think I started calling her Annie because of Dillard. Now I call her Annie because I like to pretend that we're good friends, like how Angelina's friends actually call her Angie.)

I'm suspicious that people might be praying for me, because I'm feeling optimistic, which has been uncharacteristic of me for the last few weeks.

43 is an auspicious year:
1. It's a prime number
2. It's Troy Polamalu's jersey number
3. It's the number of things listed on one of my favorite sites, 43things

So I'm going to make a 43 Things list just for this year:

This will be the year I:
1. Start jogging again, no matter how slowly or poorly or whatever.
2. Make that video about the Birthday Girls (my mom's lovely, lovely friends)
3. Grow a lot of lavender, and harvest it, and hang it everywhere to dry until the smell of lavender reminds people of my house
4. log 100 hours of language learning
5. Read the Bible, and then some (must-reads spiritually speaking, apocryphal books)
6. Walk my dogs regularly.i.e. be a better dog owner
7.  Forgive people, like that Year of Jubilee idea (releasing people from debts)
8. Let people take pictures of me and quit lying and telling them I think it takes a piece of my soul when really I'm just self-conscious (THIS IS HARD TO EVEN WRITE. I don't know about this one.)
9. Dance somewhere at least once
10. participate in that Write-A-Novel-in-a-Month thing that all my friends do.
11. Make scrapbooks of all my 'nostalgia' stuff, even if it doesn't look nearly as good as the Creative Memories people.
12. Go somewhere awesome with my Mom and everyone: like Dollywood or Nashville or something.
13. Get acupuncture.
14. Wear a bathing suit at the beach.
15. create/obtain/whatever it takes to own a treadmill desk.
16. Cook food and bake food, following Catherine's example (when she's hungry, she looks up recipes and gathers ingredients and plays classy music and actually cooks good food. it's so HEALTHY, in every way.)
17. Take a class.
18. will be a GRACEFIEND.
19. Write letters (I kinda started this,but I want to keep it up)
20. either have one of those houses that's already reasonably clean, or quit caring that my house isn't
21. Go to 34th street at Christmas time
22. exercise my gift (which i believe is encouragement) intentionally, often, joyfully
23. stretch my imagination to include the idea that guys can be nice and maybe even trustworthy, but you can still be really cautious about these guys and i don't have to pretend it's likely or anything, just possible, like a science fiction story.
24. go somewhere awesome with my sister for her birthday
25. pray
26. accessorize
27. manage my RA holistically
28. finish my braces vlog
29. start my new vlog (jabba the hutt)
30. assume better things and act accordingly
31. read daily
32. use my commute better
33. hang the rita hayworth picture up at work
34. hang the rita hayworth picture up in my room
35. start wearing GLOVES as a fashion accessory (hides my hands, looks cool)
36. go to at least 3 art shows (scottie's was wonderful)
37. start wearing more makeup, like that lady from Pittsburgh encouraged me to
38. intercede
39. write my dreams down
40. remember: what i love doing, the joy of my salvation, the good things
41. my family: start some traditions and actually enjoy the holidays (i was always bad at this...common in circumstances like ours - holidays sucking - but i want to redeem this..i can feel like now that they're grown, it's too late. but it's not..)

42. my family: legacy
43. love people well

100X watched, still great

My first GIF

Catherine, from her and K's short film

Cat's about to leave/arrive

Everyone's leaving for their first year of college. My niece went yesterday. So this means I have license to be pretty sappy and emotional and sentimental for a while.


All the kids who graduated in 2011 are making facebook statuses --wistful paragraphs with the people tagged who they're going to "miss SOOOO much" sprinkled throughout.

Here's my kid's status:

Now there are some who would comfort me and say, "It's good she's ready to go! You want them to fly!", and I guess I should spin this as positively as possible.

But herattitude doesn't hurt me the way they think it does. Because I think I understand that it's not just me she's leaving.

Reflection:
You move your family, looking for safety and high-rated schools. You pray, you hear nothing. You crave a fresh start, the time is ripe, and so you go.
And later, too much later to do anything about it, you wonder: Would diversity of many kinds (not simply racial - also economic, religious, even personality drive) have been better for your kids? (Diversity of *any* kind...at all?)

You make all kinds of decisions that have far-reaching, deep impact on your kids. You make them in a hailstorm, half blind. You make them without the input of another person who is completely, on a DNA cellular level, invested in your kids. (Thank God for my mom, she's as close as it can get to that.)
And again, later -- too late to divert -- you realize you were wrong sometimes.

Reflection:
She contended with many things. She is startlingly perceptive, and sometimes it seems to me that people's motives are just laid bare before her. Naturally, she struggles with cynicism.
I want, I pray, if I could I'd will this: She'll realize that those things made her, not limited her. She'll realize that she was lead by love the entire time. She'll choose joy.

And truthfully, I'm glad she's not the type whose status is full of cliche and empty promises to stay in touch.
She's spending time with the people who matter to her. Anything she's telling them isn't being done with twitter or facebook, it's with real conversation. And I'm one of those people.

Overheard

This morning, I overheard this conversation between two security guards in my building. One was an older man (1), the other younger (2). The topic was marriage.

(2): I love being married.

(1): I've been married 18 years now.

(2): That's good.

(1): 18 years, that's right.

(2): Yeah, I love it. Everyday. It puts me at *ease*, you know?

(1): Yep.

It seemed ingenuous - they were just talking. It amazed me.

Playlist

Minimize Youtube, wear headphones, and instantly improve my attitude about work.

Getting through my day, one song at a time:

Visions of you - Jah Wobble

House of the Rising Sun -- Sinead (cool cover!!!)

Strawberry Swing - Coldplay

Nightswimming - REM

Sweetness Follows - REM

((NOSTALGIA TIME))

Nothing Compares to U - Sinead

Ordinary World - Duran Duran

Save a Prayer - Duran Duran

If you were here -- thompson twins

Love Vigilantes -- New Order

Every Little Counts -- New Order

Three Days - Jane's Addiction

Classic Girl - Jane's Addiction

Love is Alive - Gary Wright

Sundown -- Gordon Lightfoot

Down on Main Street - Bob Seger

verdi cries -- 10000 maniacs ((this is so beautiful it makes me start crying))

carry on my wayward son -- kansas

linger -- cranberries

prayer for you -- texas ((THIS IS A GREAT SONG))

life's what you make it -- talk talk

getting over you -- david guetta ( (there's no getting over this song for me))

love the way you lie - eminem

------

she's a beauty -- the tubes

your love -- the outfield