Episode 19 - Quinn

No.
Just....no.

Not an over-the-top feeler like the Butterfly Whisperer.
No immediate solicitations for sex, like the first one.
Just staring.
Lots of staring.
Sometimes with a slight smile.
While I think of things to say and ask.
Then have to provide multiple choice answers so that he can just choose one.
 Or maybe just nod when I hit the right one.
And then stare some more.

"So, this date is probably...
a. painful for both of us?
b. wrapping up?
c. long over...like, it was over after 5 minutes?"


I GROW WEARY, FRIENDS.

Kikiiiiiii Dates! - Episode 175 - Percy

NOTE: I am blue. Blame it on hormones, barometric pressure, zodiac stuff, who knows. But you will hear a tinge of sadness in this one, and maybe next week I will be back to normal.

Percy  is seemingly perfect:
Smart, accomplished. Practicing, serious Christian. (In my phone, his last name is "Theologian" haha)

His MBTI is INTJ, which is the type that is my PowerMate.
((I'm ENFP. My perfect match is INTJ.  INTJ's are extremely competent, intellectual, driven. It's a well-documented thing that for reasons that are very counterintuitive, we adore each other. And it's a supposed excellent match; people say that an INTJ male- ENFP female couple can take over the world. I think it's b/c they can do anything, and all we do is somehow inspire them to it.))

Here are some other things:

• He is tireless with the compliments. Turns out I may like this.

• He is so gentlemanly:  He explained the paying-for-dates-rationale IN ADVANCE and in a way that made me kinda SWOON.  He said that it's a way of expressing intention and care. And men like to take care of things, and so I'm actually doing him a kindness to let him take care of things this way.
• He knows more than I do about Scripture, which is cool. We can float references into conversation and just know the other person is familiar, so it makes it easier to debate. He's Calvinist, I think, which doesn't surprise me at all.

The Date

Met in a city nearby. He insisted on making it as close as possible to my house. He lives far away (1.5 hrs) and drove the bulk of it.

Turns out we have more in common: we eat very similarly.
And turns out no one is perfect.
Turns out we share some very important things on this first date, and it's going to take some time to process.


My sadness:

It's really bothering me how the Dating World is - ironically - so so so lonely.
And more about it bothers me, but I can't think how to say it just yet.

Year 43, An Assessment

 the list I posted about a year ago , 43 goals for year 43.

I'm assessing myself...yeah, and instead of berating myself for not making some of the goals, they'll just get a place on my List of 44 Things

1. Start jogging again, no matter how slowly or poorly or whatever.  DID THIS! DOING THIS!
2. Make that video about the Birthday Girls (my mom's lovely, lovely friends)  STILL WANT TO 
3. Grow a lot of lavender, and harvest it, and hang it everywhere to dry until the smell of lavender reminds people of my house   HALF WAY -- Grew 3 plants. Need more.
4. log 100 hours of language learning  DROPPED THIS GOAL. FROWNIE FACE
5. Read the Bible, and then some (must-reads spiritually speaking, apocryphal books)  HALF WAY.
6. Walk my dogs regularly.i.e. be a better dog owner DROPPED THIS GOAL. BUT L WALKS THEM SOME
7.  Forgive people, like that Year of Jubilee idea (releasing people from debts) HALF WAY Intentional about several people, but failed regarding some others. 
8. Let people take pictures of me and quit lying and telling them I think it takes a piece of my soul when really I'm just self-conscious (THIS IS HARD TO EVEN WRITE. I don't know about this one.)    I JUST SMILE BIG NOW =) 
9. Dance somewhere at least once  
10. participate in that Write-A-Novel-in-a-Month thing that all my friends do.  HALF WAY BUT JOINED AN AWESOME WRITING GROUP RECENTLY
11. Make scrapbooks of all my 'nostalgia' stuff, even if it doesn't look nearly as good as the Creative Memories people.  NOPE. FAIL. 
12. Go somewhere awesome with my Mom and everyone: like Dollywood or Nashville or something.  FLA!!!
13. Get acupuncture.  JUDY!!!
14. Wear a bathing suit at the beach.  ZOMG I DID THIS. Incredible.
15. create/obtain/whatever it takes to own a treadmill desk.  STILL WANT
16. Cook food and bake food, following Catherine's example (when she's hungry, she looks up recipes and gathers ingredients and plays classy music and actually cooks good food. it's so HEALTHY, in every way.)  MORE THAN EVER NOT COUNTING WHEN I WAS A SAHM
17. Take a class.   STILL WANT TO 
18. will be a GRACEFIEND.  THIS GOAL CAN NEVER FULLY  BE ATTAINED, BUT I AM A BRIDGE AND EVEN TAUGHT THE BRIDGE CONCEPT TO ANOTHER BELIEVER THIS YEAR.
19. Write letters (I kinda started this,but I want to keep it up)  NEED TO PICK IT UP ON THIS ONE AGAIN>
20. either have one of those houses that's already reasonably clean, or quit caring that my house isn't  DID THE QUIT CARING OPTION>
21. Go to 34th street at Christmas time   MUST HAPPEN THIS YEAR
22. exercise my gift (which i believe is encouragement) intentionally, often, joyfully  A LOT, BUT THIS GOAL CAN NEVER BE FULLY ATTAINED EITHER.
23. stretch my imagination to include the idea that guys can be nice and maybe even trustworthy, but you can still be really cautious about these guys and i don't have to pretend it's likely or anything, just possible, like a science fiction story.  YESSSSSS SEE AAG2012 
24. go somewhere awesome with my sister for her birthday  MASSAGES
25. pray  YES, BUT THIS GOAL NEVER FULLY ATTAINED
26. accessorize  FASHION IS IMPROVING
27. manage my RA holistically  YES
28. finish my braces vlog  ONE MORE ENTRY! RETAINER CHECK IN A WEEK.
29. start my new vlog (jabba the hutt) DROPPED THIS GOAL
30. assume better things and act accordingly  YES, OPTIMISM MORE AND MORE
31. read daily NOT DAILY BUT MORE
32. use my commute better USE IT TO SLEEP (POLYPHASIC YO)
33. hang the rita hayworth picture up at work YES
34. hang the rita hayworth picture up in my room  YES and EVEN GAVE RITA TO A FRIEND AND REPLACED MINE
35. start wearing GLOVES as a fashion accessory (hides my hands, looks cool)  NOT YET
36. go to at least 3 art shows (scottie's was wonderful)  Scotties, Film Festival, Aleth's YES
37. start wearing more makeup, like that lady from Pittsburgh encouraged me to  EYELINER YES
38. intercede  NOT ENOUGH
39. write my dreams down NOPE FORGOT ABOUT THIS
40. remember: what i love doing, the joy of my salvation, the good things TRYING
41. my family: start some traditions and actually enjoy the holidays (i was always bad at this...common in circumstances like ours - holidays sucking - but i want to redeem this..i can feel like now that they're grown, it's too late. but it's not..)
STILL SUCK BUT RETHINKING THIS, BLOG TO COME
42. my family: legacy THINKING THIS ONE, TOO
43. love people well  DAILY NEVER-ENDING NEVER-FULLY-REACHED GOAL.

Kikiiiiiiii Dates! Episode 17Neville and Oscar

2 dates in 2 days.
And I'd go out with either a 2nd time!

A visual:

A few details:

Neville

• Brought a very, very thoughtful gift.
• Launched right into a very interesting conversation about online dating issues.
• Old school class: insisted on paying for the food we ate, gave me the 'good seat' at the restaurant, walked me to my car.

I'm growing:  When he first gave me the gift, I was thinking, "You know I'm not going to kiss you...riiiigggght?" But I buried the thought, and just received it and was gracious, and didn't feel like I 'owed' him anything at all.

Plus, he's open in a really nice, geeky way: He told me outright that he knows he's contending with other guys and wants me to remember him, hence, the gift. 

I liked the conversation:  He talks in numbers, percentages, patterns. He's approaching dating (he's new to it also) the way a computer programmer would: systematically. I find that kind of thing alien and super endearing. And actually pretty useful, I have adopted some of that approach myself, to balance my squishy, feelings-based approach of "intuition and gut rules all".

We're continuing the conversation via email and other portals of communication. 

Oscar

• Played college sports! And is kinda humble about it. (He was a kicker, and he's like, "Don't tell anyone that." b/c he doesn't think kickers count as real football players haha)
• Conversation was easy, I can tell he'd make me laugh.
• Gentlemanly, too. Picked up the bill, walked me to my car. Strange coincidence: We parked right next to each other.

We met at a local restaurant, and there happened to be a festival in town, so we walked around that first. We talked about parenting, a little about school.

He's easy to talk to. He likes/plays sports, which at first makes me suspicious because I think it means they're idiots. But he's in IT, computers, so he must be pretty smart.

We both like the Steelers, and one funny thing: Apparently everyone around us was listening to our conversations, and the part about Big Ben was really annoying this one couple. He said they were shaking their heads at us, and before they left, we talked a little bit. 

The date felt short, which is so much better than the ones that feel long.

One interesting thing that came up (on both first dates ?!) :  How do people make things "official" and "exclusive" when using online dating? The very nature of it makes it so so difficult. It was cool to hear that men think of this idea, too. (They are the ones that brought it up!)

Neville said something interesting in a later email : Usually, it's the physical stuff that delineates exclusivity. When that physical stuff is off the table, it makes things a little fuzzier. 

Oscar said that, for him, it's been the biggest problem w/ online dating, and it's something he wants to "work on."

I personally think this (and these thoughts are forming even as I type this sentence)

The issue is having a divided heart.

If it comes time to commit to someone, you have to do so with an undivided heart.

That requires a high character, it requires faithfulness and single-mindedness.

You possess these character traits to whatever degree; it isn't something that is 'inspired' by another person. It's an internal thing.

A faithful person will be faithful no matter who they are with.

An unfaithful person will stray no matter who they are with.

Online dating doesn't MAKE a person unfaithful, it simply REVEALS their character, because it makes it so, so easy to stray, without fear of consequences or judgement. 

The people who can't take their profile down and commit to you when it's time, are the same people who flirt with coworkers in real life, and/or ogle servers in bars, and/or go places they shouldn't go, and/or have affairs, and on and on.

KikiiiiiDates Episode 16: Marcel - Sh*t Just Got Surreal

Words fail. Yet, for the sake of documenting my journey, and for my lovely blogger friends, I will try:

Marcel:  very kind, sensitive, and talented.
The date: After a bit of email, finally synched schedules and met at a bar/restaurant in the area.

Marcel IRL was friendly and courteous and very, very open. Shared very deeply, immediately.
*Here's where I seem like I'm flip-flopping on dating views because I've lamented lack of depth in other suitors.  But hold tight and read to the end.*
I started to feel uncomfortable with the depth. It's a little hard to explain.

It's just...well, I've never experienced so many tears on a first date.

Maybe it was the fact that I'd only had a few hours of sleep the night before, maybe it was the margarita, maybe it's just that my emotional maturity is that of 14-year-old boy sometimes...but,  I had to fight hard not to laugh inappropriately, just b/c I was so uncomfortable.

Every story ended with him pointing out the raised hair on his arms indicating the goosebumps, and accompanying tears. And me being awkward as hell and trying to think of words to say and  maybe eating a chip b/c I couldn't think of anything.

At one point, he was explaining a unique gift he has regarding interaction with animals,  and was describing a time when he hand-fed a butterfly some wine.

Things wrapped up shortly after.

My takeaway from this date: Myers Briggs, this guy's definitely an NF (Feeler). I'm a NF! I like NF's, they're interesting and open and loving.

But for eros love, I prefer NTs.
For instance, I like compliments from NTs because they are so RARE and so SPECIFIC and so HONEST.
I like their logical minds, because they are so DIFFERENT than my mind.
I like how they DON'T CRY.

On the way home, I talked about it w/ my mom, who is an awesome person to talk about dating with, btw.

Me:  I think it's just that sensitive men make me feel like I'm the man. I'm a tomboy!
Mom: (all matter of factly)  No, you're not a tomboy. You're just not a very compassionate person.
Me: ((LOLing for like a whole minute))
Mom: Well, you're not!

#TheTruthHurts  #ButItAlsoSetsYouFree

KikiiiiiiiiDates! Episode 15 Linus

LINUS

Met him at his house because he has the helmet and leather jacket for the bike ride.
((It's a myth that bikers wear those leather jackets to look cool. THey're actually for protection, and because it gets cold on a bike, fast.)) (( Look how far I've come! From taking my kid surreptitiously on Date 1...to just knocking on Date's door of his house! Probably should rein it in before I end up in a trunk, unscrewing their taillights to gesture for help out the hole....))

He is a laid-back, cool guy. He reminds me of the kind of guys who my kids' dad would have hung out with. Plus, don't know if I mentioned it, but he's very physically attractive.

We talked for a while...He was surprised at how trusting I am and I was surprised at how good-looking he is in natural light. He commented a few times about the trusting thing (because I came to his house and was willing to ride with him) (which made me think he was evil, then normal, then evil, then normal. Landed on thinking he was normal.) (Plus I text my mom with all relevant information before, during, and after dates.) (Plus I have a GPS tracking device in my phone.) (Plus I have a decent skill set which I am honing that helps me know when people are trustworthy or when they're not.)

He was very considerate (changed the seat out on the bike so I'd be comfortable, had a route in mind and a plan B for weather, had a good suggestion for dinner. Oh, and was hella cute.)

The ride was awesome, as all bike rides are. We tried to out-ride a little rain, and didn't. Even though it's dangerous, I actually liked riding in the rain. There was a huge rainbow out for the last half of our ride.

We ate dinner at a very unique place in his hometown, and the food and conversation - both great. Oh, and also great - the view of his face from across the table.
At the end of the date, we looked at photos of trips he goes on (he does very cool motorcycle trips to very cool destinations on a yearly basis).

And I'm sure you can hear the "But"...

But there was little depth to our interaction. And it's not our fault, I really don't think it is. It's the faith disconnect I've talked about.  I kept thinking, "Y U NO BELIEVE IN GOD YOU ADORABLE MAN?"
*sigh* Even so, I'd say yes to another bike ride.