Welcome to the Desert of the Real

When I decided to start dating, I began with a fair amount of optimism, and maybe more than a little naivete.

I had no well-constructed strategy.
Because I rely on my almost-eerie intuition. Experience has taught me that improvisation works better for me than planning.
This doesn't mean I'm careless. You might say that I'm very intentional about destination, but more fluid about mode of travel.

I knew (and still know) that I want a partner, and everything it entails:

Someone to love and support, and they me. Common goals and vision, shared joy and pain. The steadiness of knowing, knowing, knowing that a person is completely for you, and you are completely for them.
I love the concept of 'complements': One's weaknesses balanced by the other's strengths, and vice-versa.
I love the idea of 'synergy': two people collaborating to produce things that neither could have ever done on their own.
I also want the seemingly simple things ( I say 'seemingly' because I believe they are closely bound to the lofty ideals): Hand holding and inside jokes, just for starters.

So when I decided to try online dating, I solicited advice from a few, intentionally avoiding 'dating how-to' articles or blogs. I wanted my approach to be truly my own.

And in some ways, I think it was a good thing. More than a few commented that they'd never seen a profile like mine. I appreciated those comments, even when they probably weren't meant as a compliment.

Because of recent confusing and hurtful events, I'm taking a little break to regroup. I'm reading books and online material about dating, looking for possible explanations. What I've found is so disheartening to me, well --- today, my heart literally ached.

There is an entire subculture of men and women dispensing dating advice and practicing dating strategies that feel devoid of love. 
In fact, the philosophy feels "anti-love" to me. 
In fact, it feels like war.

Some articles read like a military combat manual-- a "how-to" for blackmail and subterfuge and manipulation. They should hashtag articles about the other gender with #KnowYourEnemy".

Both genders are involved:
Read 742 reader comments about this book, by which title you can correctly infer that women are instructed to act like bitches (albeit, they define 'bitch' with the acronym 'Babe In Total Control (of) Herself") to gain a man's love.
In this, the author states that the advice given him by his mother,"Be nice, be yourself", was crappy advice, and hindered him from his goal of sleeping with multiple women until he developed the dating philosophies espoused on his blog and around the 'manosphere' generally.

Entitled bitches trying to win (beat?) withholding douches.
This is a reality show.
This is Lord of the Flies, romantic edition.
This is war.

Their ideas are well-supported by both anecdotal evidence and hard data. I don't doubt their effectiveness, either. I believe the anecdotes, I understand the implications of the data.

I can overlay these ideas on my approach to dating, and see where I blatantly fail (referring to the strategies for women) or fall short (referring to the advice given males).
Doing so produces the strangest mix of feelings in me:
On the one hand, sad and insecure: At my age, I have a relatively low SMV . I am not wired for, nor have I been practicing any of the B.I.T.C.H. behaviors. It's unlikely I will ever find a partner.
But on the other hand, a crazy, new realization of my worth: I am rare. Because I have an honest heart. My goal is to love. Truly. And...it's unlikely I will ever find a partner.

And now I'm at the decision diamond in this workflow.
The 'manosphere' crowd would tell me that it's Red Pill or Blue Pill  choice.
I'm seeing it through a glass darkly still, but I think there's another option.

Episode 21: Zosimus, and the Conclusion of AAG2012

Zosimus is:

• an excellent communicator
• living on the opposite side of the country from me, but possibly moving to my area.

We:

• Exchanged many resonance-drenched emails
• I love how he writes
• Switched to texting
• Constant texting
• With multiple conversation threads running simultaneously
• And no need to explain anything
• We 'get' each other
• There are crazy coincidences
• That feel like kismet

The Date

• Is crammed between holiday activities and house-hunting activities during his visit to my state
• Maybe an odd first date: looking at houses he's considering
• I'm more nervous than usual
• We meet at a local (to me) restaurant
• I'm trying to read his reaction to the in-person Kiki, and I can't
• We each brought a book gift for the other, both books are meaningful
• I love my book so much
• Try to tune in hard, turn all my receptors on...but that thing happens when I find someone attractive and it makes me keep losing focus
• After the lunch, we drive to the properties
• I like watching him interact with the realtor, I like watching him assess each house
• I like his playful flirting. I'm overwhelmed by it a little. I like when he holds my hand
• We return to the restaurant (my car is there)
• It's late, and he's due home. But we extend the date
• We have dinner at the same restaurant and we drink rum punch
• We are affectionate, maybe too much so, maybe because of the rum punch, maybe because of everything else

The Aftermath

So this is the part that's painful to describe.

• It's now Christmas time
• I perceive distance
• I think of all possible reasons for the distance, I am very good at brainstorming. I'm skillful at generating ideas
• I test each idea, especially the bad ones, against every data point I remember
• I "introduce a toxic element" into the situation, as only an ENFP can (from my MBTI book)
• I have a little surgery at the end of the week, and make the mistake of answering the phone while still high on Versed
• I don't remember exactly what the conversation entailed
• Over the next few days, it's clear that the conversation was destructive

Acquiring a Gentleman 2012: The Analysis

• Cindy promised me that nothing would reveal any twisted areas like dating.
• She was right:

See, you'd think I'd be a great partner.
I know I have the gift of encouragement, for instance.
And there are other things, too, that are desirable.

Dating again has actually boosted my confidence overall.

• It's still so bizarre to me, but I actually attract attention now. I will offer this recent evidence:  We took a recent trip to NYC, and this guy (from the UK, lives in Paris) asked to sit with me. He was funny, and we talked. He (I swear) at one point called me lovely.  We only smiled when we left the bus, but about 1/2 hour later, I was surprised to run into him at a McDonalds. The kids joked that it was too big a coincidence, that he intentionally tracked us down. 

• I feel like I can talk to single men now, whereas before I could only really talk with non-threatening men (married or gay, for example).

But it turns out that I have twisted areas. 

Now, I'm very good at showing appreciation, for real. I believe in affirming people

But turns out I'm terrible at expressing my feelings in a romantic context, when I like someone in a romantic way.
Even when I feel I'm completely exposing myself and gushing feelings....I'm kinda cryptic and veiled and circuitous and deflecting. I put qualifiers on every statement. I must, in fact, be maddening.

I just can't seem to embrace 'the dance' of dating, either. At least not when I really like someone.
I require definition (which can be meaningless, as someone explained to me). Which comes off as desperate and clingy and needy and other red flag words.
But it's not the exactly the desperate/clingy dynamic that it seems. (Salma gave me the funniest analogy w/ squirrels and nuts...you're not supposed to frighten the squirrel by asking for definitions/exclusivity...and I don't just frighten the squirrel. I bludgeon that poor squirrel to a bloody pulp with my questions.)
But it's not that dynamic -- really! I've been single for so long, and I've been happily so.

The real reason is simple:  I just want to mitigate risk.

So I look at everything in negative, or in a backwards way.(I think this is because I'm lefthanded)
For instance, when communicated 'dealbreakers' to Z., I was meaning the things about me that he'll likely learn and then reject me. I thought it was proactive and good.
Z pointed out that most people define dealbreakers as the things that *they* can't tolerate.


I also work from the perspective that no matter how nice it can seem, things are likely very wrong. (I think this is because I watch a lot of movies)
For instance, I assume there are reasons things will not work, and I keep my eyes open for those things. Again, thinking this is proactive and smart. But it's not, it's destructive.



And the Conclusion of the Acquiring A Gentleman 2012 Experiment

I am not as sad as that header sounds.
(The experiment had to end anyway, it's 2013 now!)

Yes, I didn't make it through the alphabet. "Z"osimus should have technically been "T".
Yes, I'm still single.
Yet - I can't call AAG2012 a failure!

I'm thankful for:

Meeting interesting people.

Developing ideas about online dating, and seeds of ideas about dating and relationships generally.

I'm most thankful for this:

First -- YOU! (The readers of my blog are truly my friends! You know who you are!!) 

You are and have been:

• tirelessly encouraging
• wise!
• so, so generous -- offering me your experiences as instruction
• WITTY and FUNNY - you are so smart to package everything in such a way that I can hear you

I am thankful for you, and I thank you!!

And finally I'm thankful for this:

AAG12 woke up a part of myself...or maybe even raised it from the dead.

Geez I feel emotional right now.

(((LOOK HOW I JUST EXPRESSED A FEELING WITHOUT USING A QUALIFIER! GO ME!))

Epilogue

So there has to be a 2013 venture, right? 

No clear idea what yet, going to take a few weeks to reflect and pray and maybe even fast.

Z. does these cool 2 year challenges (veganism, dropping caffeine, that sort of thing.) I was thinking of adopting this idea, except make it 2 weeks or 2 days. 

Maybe 2103 will be the Shawshank Redemption year.

Maybe the Mayans were off a year.

Obviously, I welcome your input.

Submit all ideas, you haven't steered me wrong yet.

2013 Resolutions

Discussed this with Cindy.

I really don't want to make zero resolutions.
And if I do 2,013 resolutions, most of them will have to be things I already do such as "Wear my retainers", which Cindy objected to as 'resolutions'. But I told her, who can possibly come up with that many new things to do in a year?
And she said, "Exactly."
So I thought it would be 44 resolutions...
But, she's brilliant:

She said just do 13. One per month, and then an extra one.

And I said YESSSSS. Except one per month, and then one BIG OVERARCHING YEARLONG ONE for the entire year.

So that's what I'm going to do.

Going to fill in this:

2013: The Year of Living ______________ly

January: ______________
February: _____________
March:________________
April: __________________
May: __________________
June: ____________________
July: ______________________
Aug: _______________________
Sept: _________________________
Oct: _________________________
Nov: _________________________
Dec: _____________________

YEARLONG: