When I decided to start dating, I began with a fair amount of optimism, and maybe more than a little naivete.
I had no well-constructed strategy.
Because I rely on my almost-eerie intuition. Experience has taught me that improvisation works better for me than planning.
This doesn't mean I'm careless. You might say that I'm very intentional about destination, but more fluid about mode of travel.
I knew (and still know) that I want a partner, and everything it entails:
Someone to love and support, and they me. Common goals and vision, shared joy and pain. The steadiness of knowing, knowing, knowing that a person is completely for you, and you are completely for them.
I love the concept of 'complements': One's weaknesses balanced by the other's strengths, and vice-versa.
I love the idea of 'synergy': two people collaborating to produce things that neither could have ever done on their own.
I also want the seemingly simple things ( I say 'seemingly' because I believe they are closely bound to the lofty ideals): Hand holding and inside jokes, just for starters.
So when I decided to try online dating, I solicited advice from a few, intentionally avoiding 'dating how-to' articles or blogs. I wanted my approach to be truly my own.
And in some ways, I think it was a good thing. More than a few commented that they'd never seen a profile like mine. I appreciated those comments, even when they probably weren't meant as a compliment.
Because of recent confusing and hurtful events, I'm taking a little break to regroup. I'm reading books and online material about dating, looking for possible explanations. What I've found is so disheartening to me, well --- today, my heart literally ached.
There is an entire subculture of men and women dispensing dating advice and practicing dating strategies that feel devoid of love.
In fact, the philosophy feels "anti-love" to me.
In fact, it feels like war.
Some articles read like a military combat manual-- a "how-to" for blackmail and subterfuge and manipulation. They should hashtag articles about the other gender with #KnowYourEnemy".
Both genders are involved:
Read 742 reader comments about this book, by which title you can correctly infer that women are instructed to act like bitches (albeit, they define 'bitch' with the acronym 'Babe In Total Control (of) Herself") to gain a man's love.
In this, the author states that the advice given him by his mother,"Be nice, be yourself", was crappy advice, and hindered him from his goal of sleeping with multiple women until he developed the dating philosophies espoused on his blog and around the 'manosphere' generally.
Entitled bitches trying to win (beat?) withholding douches.
This is a reality show.
This is Lord of the Flies, romantic edition.
This is war.
Their ideas are well-supported by both anecdotal evidence and hard data. I don't doubt their effectiveness, either. I believe the anecdotes, I understand the implications of the data.
I can overlay these ideas on my approach to dating, and see where I blatantly fail (referring to the strategies for women) or fall short (referring to the advice given males).
Doing so produces the strangest mix of feelings in me:
On the one hand, sad and insecure: At my age, I have a relatively low SMV . I am not wired for, nor have I been practicing any of the B.I.T.C.H. behaviors. It's unlikely I will ever find a partner.
But on the other hand, a crazy, new realization of my worth: I am rare. Because I have an honest heart. My goal is to love. Truly. And...it's unlikely I will ever find a partner.
And now I'm at the decision diamond in this workflow.
The 'manosphere' crowd would tell me that it's Red Pill or Blue Pill choice.
I'm seeing it through a glass darkly still, but I think there's another option.
