Books

Rebecca Wells

I just read Little Altars Everywhere for the second time. I cry through the entire last chapter.
There is so much wisdom there:
the way you trust your parents as a kid...the way they are like God to you, almost, in how you imprint on what they say and do...the way you are shocked to find that their mistakes scar you...the way that, in the end, love and grace are stronger than the hurt.

I'm trying to read Ya-ya again, but I just don't like it as much as L.A.E.

JD Salinger

If asked to come up with a favorite author, I really think he'd be it. I thought I had to ditch him when I became a Christian.
I used to read his books to death.

I'm reading Franny and Zooey again, because Catherine started reading Nine Stories. I was so excited, because a central idea in her life is what I'd call 'purity'. Not sexual, but purity of heart, motive, etc. She values 'real', 'authentic'...she eschews all things phony.

I'm excited for her to read Salinger, because I think this is a central idea in his writing.

Doug - Benefit #1

Lucas came out of his room last night, holding Doug and asking me to watch him for a while. He was trying to do something, "and Doug won't leave me alone! I just want to relax and he keeps pestering me...", etc.

But then he stopped, looked at me and we both just laughed....because for the hour before, Lucas had been pestering me to make him mashed potatoes..then a PB and J...about 10 times each request...we'd already eaten, and I was sitting and reading, trying to get rid of a headache. I'd repeatedly told him to make his own sandwich,that I'd walk him through how to make the (instant!) mashed potatoes...

So with his complaining about the pug, I started to point it all out...and he cut me off, with a silly/contrite face, and said, "I know, I get it. I'm really sorry."

Doug

I gave Lucas a dog for his 16th birthday. Lucas named him Doug. He's awesome. I'm out of my mind.

This is not Doug, but it looks a lot like him. Pictures coming soon.

that rascal Pascal

I learned something very interesting the other day.
You know Pascal's wager...his idea that to believe in God is reasonable, because:

1. If you believe, and come to the end of your days and find that the whole idea of Christianity was false, you haven't lost anything. In fact, keeping to Christian teachings probably spared you some trouble/heartache thru the years.
2. If you believe, and come to the end and find that Christianity is true, you have just gained everything.
and
3. If you don't believe, and come to the end and find that Christianity is true, you will have lost everything.

Therefore, the idea goes, believing is your best, most logical bet. Reasonable.


The other day I heard that this idea was never intended to be an evangelistic one...and I was relieved. ((Theoretical belief? Humoring God? Seemed bad and insincere to me.))

Pascal came up with this idea to battle the idea of his day that faith was for weak-minded people, and Reason was the way. He wanted to expose this idea...showing how using reason itself can make a case for faith.

Pascal's wager wasn't meant to lead people to Christ; it was meant to challenge a contemporary idea and turn it on its head.

Sleep Deprived Due to the Olympics 2

Before this week, I had never watched Michael Phelps swim...I kinda have this thing about hyped stuff...But - he is incredible to watch.
This race was the most exciting. (Couldn't find a video of the race; this is an explanation w/ pictures)
It's interesting because it was actually another swimmer, Lezak, who saved the day.


I saw Jason Lezak interviewed later, for a different race, and the reporter said something like, "It was great of you to win that race so that Michael Phelps can get the record of 8 gold medals in one Olympics."
And I liked his answer- something like: "I didn't win that race for Michael Phelps. I respect him and I like him, but we all worked hard and wanted a gold medal."

Sleep Deprived Due to the Olympics

This is an older commercial featuring May-Traner (sp?) and Walsh, the beach volleyball team from America. I saw them beat another team soundly-- I think it was the Norwegians. They are really fun to watch.

Revelation

The message this week: the only way to be able to do Hebrews 12:1 (rid yourself of the burdens and the sin that so easily entangles) is to do Hebrews 12:2 (keeping your gaze on Jesus).

They sang this song (the clip is not from my church), and I wanted them to start over and sing it again and again so that I could've spent the day focusing on these words, focusing on Jesus and His holiness, trying to purge myself of wounds, offenses, unbelief, bitterness, all of it.


Worthy is the

Lamb who was slain

Holy, Holy, is He

Sing a new song

to Him who sits on

Heaven's Mercy Seat

Holy, Holy, Holy

Is the Lord God Almighty

Who was, and is, and is to come

With all creation I sing

Praise to the King of Kings!

You are my everything And I will adore You…!

2 Brilliant Movies

Two very different movies, but I loved the same thing about each: The form of the movie matched the content...The way 'reality' was presented made you identify with or at least empathize with the main characters..

1. Memento - a recommendation from a really interesting person from church named David. The man in Memento has an injury that has made him unable to form new memory. He relies on notes, and photographs, and logic to piece together and make meaning of his life. His memory fails him about every 5-15 minutes, and he is left to start over...

The movie tells the story 5 minutes at a time, and with each scene in reverse order, giving you overlapping details to give you a point of reference. You observe his notes and photographs, and scars, and scenery, and other details that are revealed, to try and piece the plot together.

It occurred to me that, because of how the story is told, you are dealing (in a small way) with the exact problem the main character has --- trying to make meaning of it all with only 5 minute-long chunks of data, which start bewilderingly fresh every 5 minutes (because it's going in reverse order. Every five minutes you are given information that you have no point of reference for.)

2. Requiem of a Dream -

(Note: this is the most intense movie I've seen in a while, and I can't recommend it for anyone, and I wish I hadn't seen some of the ending myself. BUT - it would be the movie I would show to anyone experimenting with drugs. Why: I have this problem where I always secretly root for the bad thing in movies. In "Girl Interrupted", I really wanted Winona's character to stay with Angelina's character. I loved their relationship, even as twisted as it was. In "Heathers", I wanted them to blow up the school. In "Candy", I wanted that girl and Heath to get back together. But Requiem isn't that way. I wanted to get inside the movie and be their friend and witness to them and rescue them. I think this movie shows addiction accurately, instead of glamorizing it. )

In "Requiem", they show the drug use in a really interesting way: Closeups of the physical effect in rapid succession (blood thru veins, pupils dilating, etc), then a short clip of the pleasure or enjoyment. And then increasingly longer and longer clips of the pain...the way addiction enslaves them.
By the end of the movie, you feel there is no hope at all for any of the 4 characters to return to any of the goodness their addiction destroyed. You feel despair.

It's the same brilliance in both: The very way the story is told makes you understand/identify with/empathize with the main characters; the form matches the message.

Joylist 5

This is long overdue!

1. CathrineHolm enamelware, pictured left....a coworker showed me eBay, and I found these plates/bowls...They are all I've really wanted from eBay. Oh, and my giant wooden fork and spoon, circa 1971.

2. Reality Week. L and C loved the speaker this year - Clay Walker, and I believe they were really edified. I spent time well while they were gone instead of going into a funk (my normal pattern when they are at camp). God's goodness displayed in both instances.

3. Tazo ginger green tea. Check it out.

4. Watching the boys play this game on the trampoline: They have a soccer ball tied to a rope. They jump on the trampoline while one of them swings the ball higher and higher, trying to hit them. They added water to the trampoline to make it more fun, and then ice cubes. I actually laugh out loud when I watch them play.

5. This is the funniest thing ever. Tim, I hope you will reminisce:

Redemption

I just watched these two movies:

1. Atonement
2. Magnolia

and they reminded me of:
3. Crash

The thing that threaded them together for me, is that there are characters in each:

...whose sin/infraction is repulsive
...whose character is further revealed, and it gives understanding about them and how they may have come to do the terrible thing
...who are given (or seek out - in A.) an opportunity to redeem the act. And they take it.

Now I know that true redemption is only possible through the finished work of Jesus on the cross...
but this kind of repentance is so beautiful.

Liberty 16 Century 10 -- my take

Since Century girls lacrosse was established, they have dominated Carroll County. They make it to the State 1A-2A Final about every year, and win it about 1/2 the time.

This year has been hard for them -- they've lost to 2 county teams, including last night's loss to Liberty.

Century has a history of producing outstanding players - Kelly Kasper (who is leading Uof Md right now in her senior yr), Lauren Schwarzmann (Hopkins), Jenny Steadman.
This year, they have Katie Schwarzmann.

She isn't just outstanding - she really is phenomenal. Everything about her is superfast - running the ball, cuts, stickwork. She's seriously twice as fast as anyone, and she's deceptive - she can be standing still, wait for her defender to glance away, and then she's gone -- 2 steps in front of them. She consistently stuffs passes or intercepts b/c of such good reflexes. She can shoot from impossible angles, and score. And she's not a ball hog - she will pass if she's defended well. It would be interesting to see her goal/shot on goal percentage -- because I bet it would show that she just makes very good use of each shot.

So last night, Liberty assigned a player to her. Westminster did the same thing - put a defender on her who doesn't even look to see where the ball is - they stare at Schwarzmann, and you can tell that their whole job is to mark her out of the game. She did a great job - Schwarzmann scored 5 goals, which is light for her.

The part that made me uncomfortable wasn't that player's great defense -- it was what was going on in the stands. The Liberty fans booed Schwarzmann when she had the ball. They cheered when she messed up. ((It really was cheering at her mistakes -- for instance, she dropped it once-- no Liberty player even near her. She just uncharacteristically bobbled the ball and picked it right back up. They were cheering because she made an error.)
It's one thing to cheer for your team - or even against the opposing team -- but to cheer against an individual??

At one point, I just sat there and thought -- that's a 16 or 17 year old kid who has a whole stand of people cheering personally against her. I wondered how she was handling it.

The other thing I'll say is that the officiating was ridiculous. I don't think it's good to whine about refs, but you had to see them.

They handed out so many cards to Century that at one point, Century was playing 4 men down. I heard that they were carding people just for asking for clarification about calls. It was so bad that Century's AD escorted them out of the stands because he thought Century parents may give them a hard time.

Even with better reffing, Liberty may have won yesterday - I'd say even 'probably would have'. It's just hard when bad officiating clearly affects the outcome of a game.


BUT that's exactly why I love sports so much. For that one hour, everything matters so much. Each team's intensity, the coaching, the outcome -- it all matters. And even more important is how it's all handled.

Bad refs and unsportsmanlike behavior may be part of the picture, but you know that Century's coaches will evaluate what they had control over and improve on it. ((Draw control was a factor, finishing on shots, etc)). Just like last year, they'll use this loss to make their team better.

It may also be that the time for any single team to dominate the county is over. (No CC team is undefeated.) With most HS lax players playing club all year long, every HS team has quality players.

It's happening in Howard county, too -- Hebron, who hadn't lost to a Maryland team in something like 18 years, lost to John Carroll this year, and then even lost to 2 Howard county teams (Centennial and Glenelg).

And that's even a good thing -- because when the score is always 20something - 1, no one is learning anything.

Joylist 4

It's time.

1. Green smoothies. Painless way to eat 4.5 cups of greens. See the blog called 'The Green Smoothie Experiment'.
2. My pastor's wife. She's also a nurse, and she looked at L.'s foot (he sprained it over the weekend) He hadn't showered all weekend, had no socks, and was really uncomfortable having anyone look at it. But a friend insisted she'd know if it was a sprain or not. (She did.)
I watched her as she examined his ankle...his wet, very very dirty foot next to her glittery sandals and painted toenails....and she was so gracious to him...I always get the feeling that she truly loves all kinds of people.
3. watching Kallie for my mom and dad.
4. My sister. Found out I was having a hard week and called out of the blue and said all the things bigs sisters should say when their little sister is having a hard time.
5. The Bud Light Ad people. I wish they were my friends. Since I'm trying to eat healthful stuff these days, I'll give this example:

Crisis Part II (mid-life variety)

So my kids were at a retreat all weekend.
I'm doing so much better. I used to have to spend the night other places when they were gone, or borrow my niece. (She affectionately refers to those times as 'when she had to babysit me.' haha)

But this past weekend, I was able to stay home. Did nothing particularly productive. Nothing even particularly indulgent. Pretty much totally wasted time. Things just feel so lackluster when they're not around.

This makes me worry about the future. Eventually, that weekend will be my whole life. There is a chilling monologue in Notes on a Scandal about loneliness...she constructs her whole weekend around a trip to the laundromat, etc.

So I was talking to my friend Cindy about it - we are same age/same life stage/same living situation etc.
And she said that we are going to do something different than 'Empty Nest Syndrome', a sort of Mid-Life Crisis, but with a twist.
She said that we need to make another kind of list!! ((I was listening! I love lists! JOYLISTS = strength)) This list would be things we are going to get to do once our kids are grown up, in their own places.

We even came up with a name:
PLENTY as in "Praise the Lord for Empty Nests, Thank You...."

Here is one of hers:
Praise the Lord for Empty Nests, Thank You for not sitting on my new Harley Davidson softtail motorcycle

I'm working on it....I'm being proactive....

Crisis Part I

Ever heard this quote?


When written in Chinese, the word ''crisis'' is composed of two characters -- one represents danger, and the other represents opportunity.
John F. Kennedy (1917-1963) Thirty-fifth President of the USA


Well, turns out that it's not true. The 'danger' part is true, the 'opportunity' part is not. (My office mate is fluent in Korean and knows some Chinese. I heard this quote and loved the idea...played around with the translation tool, talked to him about it, he made me doubt it...I eventually found this ...

So, turns out Chinese wisdom agrees with my experience: crises suck.

Diane Arbus

I talked about Diane Arbus once on my other (sort of) site , but I had to mention it here since the blog-defining photo of the boy is hers.

I learned about her when I was young...in a photography class...the professor talked about the way she protected the dignity of her subjects even as she fully understood their chief flaw/struggle/disability (visually, I mean). That amazed me then, and it still does. Now I realize that it's even a God-like trait.

The professor said that she had a great rapport with her subjects, most of whom were 'different', or 'flawed'...Where most avert their eyes, she could focus the lens -- and with respect.

I found this quote of hers that explains a little bit of her thinking:

"Most people go through life dreading they'll have a traumatic experience. Freaks were born with their trauma. They've already passed their test in life. They're aristocrats."

I'm attracted to her for the same reason I'm attracted to Philip Yancey and the father in the Hiding Place.

Addendum to JL3

C and L have to get braces. They really don't want braces, and Cath made this visual to show me why. It makes me laugh.

Joylist 3

1. the Thriller dance, and especially these 2 sisters who are going to teach us
2. 70 degree days this time of year (along with my belief that God pre-knew about Global Warming and uses even our bad choices to work out His plan)
3. Clif (met him & Barb before i even moved up here. i love how he loves people. Clif sees everyone as worth it. i love the example he is to L.)
4. Family Fun Nights -- the next one is imminent
5. watch about 20 seconds of this, and you'll feel happy:

Climbers and Pilots

I just finished the book "No Shortcuts to the Top" -- by and about Ed Viesturs, a guy who has climbed all fourteen 8000m mountains. I love reading about climbing, because it's something I would never do. I especially love reading stuff written by the actual climber, because I see this thing common to all of their personalities, and it fascinates me: a confidence that borders on arrogance.

When there is an accident, and people even lose their life, there is this calm rationalizing that it was human error that caused the accident, and an assumption that they won't commit those errors. Some of them come off as very arrogant.

I've read a couple of books about pilots, and the best is the Tom Wolfe book about astronauts (back in the day, the astronauts were test pilots, and test pilots were the cream-of-the-crop who tested proto-type planes, testing their limits, risking their life while acting very casual about it, etc..) He shows this attitude in the test pilots. Their friend might crash and die that day during a test , and they are definitely sad, but they also talk about the errors he made. Also, they don't say "crash" or "die", they use casual jargon...

They always say that surgeons are arrogant, too...so I was thinking about this arrogance -- that it's one way to deal with facing possible death (or causing death, in the surgeon's case)...it's a kind of courage, and I respect it. I'd rather a person like that fly my plane, or take out my appendix.

Another way people face possible death:

Lucas is interested in WWII, and has watched the Band of Brothers many times. We were talking about the young men living with their mortality staring them in the face like that. He said that one soldier's attitude was to consider himself 'already dead'. Write himself off - treat it as a given - and then he could go and do what he was trained to do without fear. Learning that made me respect soldiers even more.

And another way I've seen a person face possible death:

A well-respected man at our church has a form of brain cancer that may not heal. Our pastor interviewed him and his wife, and his way of dealing with it amazed me. He can say it, flat out. He is not afraid. His only concern is his family, his wife (he even tried to arrange another marriage for her for when he is gone...she joked about how controlling he can be...I am amazed/emotional again just writing this down). But he is full of faith, and trust. And so sure of the goodness of God.


My confession: I think about the word recently preached: "This is the end of all men, and the living take it to heart."
I want the husband's mindset- not even for thinking about my death, but just in life. The climber/pilot way would never work for me - I'm too incompetent. If I'm honest with myself, I'm closer to the soldier way. My predestination ideas have a little tinge of futility.

P.S. Spin

I love PostSecret, which I found on Jess's blog, which I also love.


I was thinking of a different version of this...still unifying but less voyeuristic....a lot less cool...but still...

have you ever admitted something to someone...something about you that you thought made you weird and maybe were a little embarrassed about...only to find out that they did it too??

I'll start...

Didn't you ever stare at your dog and promise that if he'd just talk to you right now, that you promise you won't tell anyone and it will be yours and his little secret (even though you knew if he really did talk, you'd think it was demonic and kill him immediately)?


Your turn!!

Joylist of the Week 2

1. My busdriver Rhonda. Impacts hundreds. Her bus is like a party.
2. the drama kids..some of my favorite people
3. i reconnected with a friend from whom i'd been estranged for 3 years. each email is a chapter long. i really missed her.
4. e and c's fabulous lipstick
5. This - it's crazy delicious

Joylist of the Week

1. French toast coffee from the On-the-Go over at the corner of 26 and 32
2. "Oh yeah Hans? Well, {in korean: I just pooped my pants}, so there!"
3. 1 John 4:10-11 to the Macarena
4. my mom's birthday! 63 years strong.
5. this, continual loop until i'm completely happy:

Philip Yancey

I love him. 'Disappointment with God' is one of his best books. It's about Job, and what to do with a shattered life. I'm reading his book on Prayer right now. Entire paragraphs are quotable.

I hear people use the word "edgy", sometimes in a shallow way ("has a tattoo in a visible spot"), sometimes in a more meaningful way ("not afraid to say the truth even if some get uncomfortable.")

I was thinking that Philip Yancey is edgy exactly in that meaningful way, and in an even better way- He is not afraid to go out to the edges and empathize with the hurt, the lost, the marginalized. He practically lives there, if his writing is any indication.
But I don't think he's bitter, or just being a contrarian just for it's own sake. (Someone called me that once. I had to come to terms with it!)


If you read through, you realize that he's grounded. If you can stick with his logic, you realize he's not breaking with the community of believers-he's making a bridge.

Taking it to heart

Recently, a well-loved, godly man from my church died suddenly. His memorial service, at his wife's request, was a celebration of his life.

I didn't know him that well; my strongest impression of him was made on a retreat for pre-teens. I asked which leader could hip-hop dance, and he could...well, kinda....and during the actual skit, he had to do that frenetic dance for about 7 minutes. He was sweating, and he had to be irritated, but he was smiling and so funny about it.

As the entire community grieved (he was a popular orthodontist), we all watched the impact that one well-lived life can make. I watched the slideshow, noticing the many, many pictures of him doing things with his kids, and wondered if he has given more to them in 12 years than some fathers give in a lifetime.

One of the best words that was said about him:
He finished his race at full-sprint.
What an image. And what a different perspective...

I tend to personalize, and that usually bothers me/embarrasses me. (I always think: everything is not about ME!)
But one part of the sermon that day actually encouraged us to personalize:

This verse from Ecclesiastes, springing from the page into a living and active word:

"Better to go to the house of mourning
Than to the house of feasting.
For this is the end of all men
And the living take it to heart."

It may be too soon for some to take it to heart; I know that some are still profoundly grieving. But I also think that to be changed by this is honoring to his life, and his family.

Me taking it to heart:

I don't want to take time with my kids for granted.
I want to take the time to tell people how much I love them, what I see in them that God is doing, how much they mean to me. I don't want fear of cheesiness or emotion to block this anymore.
I want to run my race well.

Right now, I'm just continuing to pray for this family, and for those around who are supporting them.

Luctor et emergo

Hey, welcome to my page.
It means "I struggle and emerge".

A long time ago, this woman told us all to be open about our need, real about our struggles. "Struggle is a sign of life-" she shrugged when she said it, as if reminding us of something we should already know...you know, the whole don't-crack-open-a-cocoon-to-help-the-fragile-emerging-butterfly-because-the-very-work-it-takes-to-open-the-cocoon-is-what-makes-him-strong-enough-to-fly idea.