Welcome to the Desert of the Real

When I decided to start dating, I began with a fair amount of optimism, and maybe more than a little naivete.

I had no well-constructed strategy.
Because I rely on my almost-eerie intuition. Experience has taught me that improvisation works better for me than planning.
This doesn't mean I'm careless. You might say that I'm very intentional about destination, but more fluid about mode of travel.

I knew (and still know) that I want a partner, and everything it entails:

Someone to love and support, and they me. Common goals and vision, shared joy and pain. The steadiness of knowing, knowing, knowing that a person is completely for you, and you are completely for them.
I love the concept of 'complements': One's weaknesses balanced by the other's strengths, and vice-versa.
I love the idea of 'synergy': two people collaborating to produce things that neither could have ever done on their own.
I also want the seemingly simple things ( I say 'seemingly' because I believe they are closely bound to the lofty ideals): Hand holding and inside jokes, just for starters.

So when I decided to try online dating, I solicited advice from a few, intentionally avoiding 'dating how-to' articles or blogs. I wanted my approach to be truly my own.

And in some ways, I think it was a good thing. More than a few commented that they'd never seen a profile like mine. I appreciated those comments, even when they probably weren't meant as a compliment.

Because of recent confusing and hurtful events, I'm taking a little break to regroup. I'm reading books and online material about dating, looking for possible explanations. What I've found is so disheartening to me, well --- today, my heart literally ached.

There is an entire subculture of men and women dispensing dating advice and practicing dating strategies that feel devoid of love. 
In fact, the philosophy feels "anti-love" to me. 
In fact, it feels like war.

Some articles read like a military combat manual-- a "how-to" for blackmail and subterfuge and manipulation. They should hashtag articles about the other gender with #KnowYourEnemy".

Both genders are involved:
Read 742 reader comments about this book, by which title you can correctly infer that women are instructed to act like bitches (albeit, they define 'bitch' with the acronym 'Babe In Total Control (of) Herself") to gain a man's love.
In this, the author states that the advice given him by his mother,"Be nice, be yourself", was crappy advice, and hindered him from his goal of sleeping with multiple women until he developed the dating philosophies espoused on his blog and around the 'manosphere' generally.

Entitled bitches trying to win (beat?) withholding douches.
This is a reality show.
This is Lord of the Flies, romantic edition.
This is war.

Their ideas are well-supported by both anecdotal evidence and hard data. I don't doubt their effectiveness, either. I believe the anecdotes, I understand the implications of the data.

I can overlay these ideas on my approach to dating, and see where I blatantly fail (referring to the strategies for women) or fall short (referring to the advice given males).
Doing so produces the strangest mix of feelings in me:
On the one hand, sad and insecure: At my age, I have a relatively low SMV . I am not wired for, nor have I been practicing any of the B.I.T.C.H. behaviors. It's unlikely I will ever find a partner.
But on the other hand, a crazy, new realization of my worth: I am rare. Because I have an honest heart. My goal is to love. Truly. And...it's unlikely I will ever find a partner.

And now I'm at the decision diamond in this workflow.
The 'manosphere' crowd would tell me that it's Red Pill or Blue Pill  choice.
I'm seeing it through a glass darkly still, but I think there's another option.

Dating Kiki 2.0 Episode 12: Reprieve? Reboot?

Lately, I've been reading about All Things MBTI  -- it's an interest that I revisit from time to time, when I want to focus on interpersonal relationships for whatever reason.

So Dating Kiki 2.0 was bound to make me break out my "Please Understand Me" book (well-loved, pages falling out, stolen from my first church library). Now there are 983292 forums online to read through, too, which I've wasted  enjoyed hours doing.

And let's be real, specifically, it was JASPER who inspired me...

[Our types connect on our dominant function, I'm Ne and he is Ni, (iNtuitive Extraversion, iNtuitive Introversion). Basically, non-stop N-ing the entire time we're together. It's relatively rare, we can speak almost in code. Which is awesome]

Jasper and I had several dates, and each one had something really, really sweet that made me crave another date:

Date 1: Art Show
We walked around a local art show. His communication style -- jumping from topic to topic, from deep to whimsical -- my ADD was just singing, do you know what I mean?
One little story: You all know by now that I have the problem w/ awkwardness. Well, the super awkward thing that kept happening on the first date was that my shirt kept popping open. I'd look down and my whole bra was hanging out. (NOTE: My cleavage is ridiculously unimpressive, but this is still embarrassing. Bra was purple at least.)
He pretended not to notice.
It happened 4 MORE TIMES.
Finally, I just confronted it, "Hey, this is kinda awful, and you're being really nice to pretend not to notice, but my shirt...?"
And he was so nice, he right away said, "Yeah! I've been thinking about how to help, I found this paperclip back there!"
And he offered the paperclip and an idea to tie it around the button, which turns out I couldn't do and he ended up doing,  averting his eyes and fixing the problem and saving my dignity all at the same time.

And this interaction seems small, but it's representative of all our interactions, and it flipped a switch in me. That. Fast.

Date 2: The walk-around-a-cool-city date

Date3: THE MOTORCYCLE RIDE DATE
Detail: We went 98 twice! He didn't know how I'd feel about 3-digit speed.  haha
Note: Riding motorcycles is now at the top of my wishlist for the Gentleman I shall Acquire in 2012.

Date 4: The dinner and movie date.

Date 5: The hang-out-at-a-house-and-do-normal things-date

And there may be no Date 6,7, etc. Or there may be. I don't know. I can't even put odds right now.

It's because there are some  differences, and I can't tell if they're significant, or just the kind that I refer to as Charlotte's Web kind.
((There is a part in the book Charlotte's Web, where Wilbur learns that Charlotte traps insects and then sucks their blood. He really struggles with this bloodthirsty quality in his new friend, and I love the idea that E.B. White seems to put out there: how it's hard when we learn things about our new friends, but then we'll get used to the idea and understand that it's not really a problem. It's so so true!))

So now I don't know if I should just keep going, go on coffee dates with other people.

And the worst:  Jasper thinks it would be fine, which tells me everything I need to know. ((Our issue is that he perceives me as having a lot of energy, and he just can't do that pace. This confuses me b/c I see myself as having much lower energy than I did in my 20s and 30s. So I see myself as pretty tame and boring now. I will say that when I'm with JASPER, I am probably vibrating w/ invisible energy though. I don't know.))
I know he enjoys being with me. Myers-Briggs again, he is so majorly Intoverted and needs so much alone time, and yet he will talk on the phone with me for hours and hours. He doesn't like dates to extend 5 hrs (another quirk of his), so I playfully said my goal was to make him go over 5 hrs everytime we're together. Once, we tripled that.
So I know I'm exhausting him. And I can't stop.

And I guess the bottom line:  He is not as into me as I am into him. Because I would NEVER tell him to see others.

So, writing this out is helping me find my own answer.
Dating Kiki 2.0: I keep going.

Today I went on the site, and there were messages from lotsa people. A few were interesting. You all are going to KILL ME, but Felix actually wants to try again. There is Linus, from the other site. And some other guys who I don't even feel I can muster enough drive to answer their silly "If you were a fruit, what fruit would you be?" type canned questions. And who I'm not excited about at all.

Please know that I am not nearly as depressed as this sounds, I'm just maybe a 7 on a sad scale of 1-10.
And I get to see Moonrise Kingdom again, and the person I'm seeing it with is a gem, and she won't even know it, and she'll be healing to be around. So YAY GOD for this timing.

I await your feedback, and I already know it will be gentle, and true, and helpful.
Classy cheek kisses for all of you,
Kiki out.

DK 2.0 Episode 9- Holden, Izzy, and Jasper

Holden

-curly hair, kind eyes
-was the front runner
-yes, you read that past tense correctly
-we had decided that "Yes, meeting is good!"
-never heard from him again.

Because of my friends (present readership , I am talking about YOU here), these are the kinds of things I think now when I get this low-level, oblique rejection:

Oh Well. This kind of thing happens. It's probably for the best.  Move on. NEXT!

I'd like you all to take special note:   Not a single self-doubting, insecure thought in the mix. You might not know how big a deal this is for me.
I feel like taking all the money I was ever considering spending on a therapist and taking you all on a cruise as a way to say "Thank You."

Izzy
 The Izzy section could be subtitled, "Don't Judge Me"

- really devoted father
- in email correspondence, mentioned his kid every 2 sentences
- you know, that thing we parents do when we mention every smart/cute/funny thing our little offspring says/does and we think we're being charming conversationalists
- plans to meet for coffee

On the free dating website, you can take a billion tests and answer a billion questions, and they make a personality assessment for you, a graphic that tells if you are "More" or "Less" various traits than ppl of your age and gender. One of my traits is that I'm "More Geeky" than women my age, and that's the trait that Izzy and I seem to connect on.

BUT, at the last minute, something comes up and he has his kid that night, and we have to cancel/postpone. 

I have typed and erased a joke sentence about how he was prob relieved, b/c he got to spend the evening w/ his kid instead....But I can't make the joke work and not sound mean...and the truth is, it's good if a guy is into his children!!! And I AM PRETTY POSITIVE I did that thing w/ my kids, too....and still do ....

Ugly confession time:

Even though there has been no date, conversations w/ guys w/ little kids has made me think.
Maybe I'm not up for dating someone with little kids. Or maybe casual dating is fine....just not aserious/committed relationship where there's a chance I could someday be "Stepmom Kiki."

 I used to think the Baroness in the Sound of Music was HORRIBLE when Max was asking her about the fact that the Captain had 6 kids, and she's like:

Darling, haven't you ever heard of a delightful little thing called boarding school?

And while I still think Maria is the best person ever, and I aspire to be her, I have a lot more grace toward the Baroness now. I mean, look at her awesome hair.

 Jasper


OK, this is unprecedented: I'm gonna hold these cards close to my chest for now.

Promise I'll tell more very, very soon.

I just wanted all of you to know that there is a Jasper.

Dating Kiki 2.0 - preview of Episode 8 - Gregory and Holden

Gregory ......and I may go out on Friday. We will see. I do not know yet if I am available. For some reason, I do not use a single contraction when I am speaking with him. I think it is because he does not use contractions.


Holden ......is the new front runner.
AND WE ALL KNOW HOW GREAT I AM AT PICKING OUT FRONT RUNNERS.

#curlyhair  #adorable #SIGH #doomed #ihopenot

Dating Kiki 2.0: Episode 5 - Elmer in Real Life

As previously mentioned, Elmer is:

• well-traveled - job and pleasure
• young-ish, hip, adventurous
• living in close proximity to my work

I am intrigued by his philosophy of life (YOLO, but in truly cool ways)....the idea that if you have a boring life, that's on you...you make your destiny, that sort of thing.

I suspect he's gonna find me to be a monumental bore. I have never, nor do I ever want to:

• bungee jump, sky dive, or anything that could end with my body as a splat
• hang out in s american jungles
• go clubbing in Dubai

In fact, Kiki-version of excitement is that:

• some stores in my town finally went 24 hrs (family of night owls)
• sometimes we get a package from UPS
• sometimes my pug does something really hilarious

So I'm honest w/ him about lifestyle difference; he still wants to meet. I walk everyday on my lunch hour, I suggest he joins me.
My kid refers to him as "The Most Interesting Man in the World", sends encouraging texts to me the day we're meeting.

It actually works out. We meet at lunchtime, walk around the city I work in, talking the whole time. Conversation is easy.

He's really super cool. I believe the things he tells me about his job/travel. Maybe I'm naive, but it all feels genuine.

We end up talking about relationship stuff, which surprises me...because I really did just want to hear more about his adventures. I can't imagine how he'll connect with me & what my life's about right now. (Not YOLO, but more like EIDHCFKMRT  [everything I do has consequences for kids, must remember that] haha)  but I give it a whirl, and explain how a person who craves the creative process ended up in a cubicle surrounded by grayish blue walls.
Turns out he has a family member in this situation -- he can extrapolate a little there.

I am thinking we're incompatible, but he's very nice and asks if we can do things before he leaves for his next exotic destination. I am really surprised, and explain why. He says the nicest thing: He'll walk with me every day until he leaves, if that's all I want to do.
(Which totally makes me want to walk with him every day until he leaves. haha)

We end the walk a little late.

My kids, after hearing about the date, are like, "LET HIM TAKE YOU PLACES. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!" haha

((But he's younger than I think is good, we don't line up on more serious things than lifestyle, and they don't understand that it really is a problem if I never want to club in Dubai...))

So I'm filing Elmer under: "Fascinating People I Got to Meet as a Result of the Kiki 2.0 Dating Experiment".


On deck:  Felix  - Military, similar interests, no talk of meeting irl yet, but he's showing enough promise to get a blog entry =)











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DK 2.0 - Episode 3 - Clarence

This episode could be called  "29 Points of Compatibility? Please."

Pre-Date:
I initiated this one by sending Clarence this charming thing [the online dating service I chose] calls an "Icebreaker". Kinda like the old Facebook "poke", it's just a pretty meaningless gesture that says, "It's too much work to compose an original thought, I'll just pick this phrase from this dropdown menu."

We skipped all the canned questions (e.g "How much personal space do you need in a relationship?") and the Must Haves/Can't Stands (laundry list of traits you check off, all are kind of obvious), and long questions.... and so we tried to gather the necessary information through the site's email.

While I feel I am very open and clear in communication, others seem to think I'm guarded and evasive. *shrug*. So, because in person > online, we discuss meeting irl.

Took Perennia's advice: coffee date.
But HE DOESN"T DRINK COFFEE. (28 points of compatibility?)
Tea date?
Tea date.
He also likes to 'plan in advance'. (Plans panic me. 27 pts of comp.), so we actually have to make this plan for DAYS IN ADVANCE. I flex, go me.

The Date

He drives the longer distance to meet, which is very nice of him. I arrive first, it's a poetry reading. Which is cool, except the guy is doing that Taylor Mali piece about teaching, and for some reason it makes me sad.
Then Clarence arrives, and it's one of those things where someone is even more appealing in person than online (instead of the other way around).
We get our TEA, and sit. Talking is pretty easy, he seems really experienced with dating generally.

We notice how different we are, and think it's funny, and so everytime there is a blaring incongruous thing, I count down another Point of Compatibility. Which he pretends to think is funny.
We're down to about 18 or so when we decide to walk around.

PERENNIA:  You're going to call me out on this. I DIDN"T END IT AFTER AN HOUR. He was cute!! And we were so adorably incompatible!! haha

We honestly just walk around and basically, well, loiter.

We talk about a lot of things, I suspect (as I do with a lot of people) that he's not over his last relationship. He says something insightful that I will have to think about: My long history of not-dating is unusual for people our age. Everyone I meet will likely have a recent (by my def, in the last 15 years haha) relationship...Acknowledging that doesn't mean that they're not over it

We're down to about 5 points of compatibility. I decide the claims of this online dating service are complete BS.

At one point, we walk to a gas station to get snacks because I was so hungry. It felt oddly like high school, or something...eating string cheese on the brick stairs at 2 AM...

It is completely, ridiculously late, we walk back to where we were parked.
Hugs, a cheek-kiss. (Not me, I wish I were classy like that. I seriously want to be one of those awesome women who kiss everyone on the cheek, when they first meet and when they leave and all time time. But I'm not. At least not yet.)

My takeaways:

1. Physical attraction muddies the waters:  We could have had zero points of compatibility and I still would have sat with him on the library stairs and eaten mozarella.
In fact, we probably DO have zero POCs and if he asked for a second date, I'd probably say "OK!"

((I probably should make it a point to only date people who aren't appealing to me. No I shouldn't. Yes I should. READERS, HELP.))
2. It's a lot harder to write about dates that aren't terrible.

Dating Kiki 2.0 Episode 2 - Bert

"Bert" is currently the front runner, based on vague, Malcolm-Gladwell-Blink-ey impressions that I get from the emails.

I'm holding onto these impressions very loosely, though, because of Online Persona thing (even people trying to represent themselves accurately seem very different in real life).

I happened to be going to a suburb near where Bert resides, so I was going to tack on meeting him.

Plans to have a 'cup of coffee'. My virtual friends who read this blog are giving me fantastic advice, and a coffee date was a tip from a virtual bff Perennia (HI PERENNIA).
Her rationale: If it's a good date, you both leave wanting a 2nd one. And if it's horrible, you're only out 5 bucks and a half hour of your precious life.  That's solid advice.

So the plans happen on email. He is working, but tells me his schedule. I do the awkward first *67 call.
No answer. Leave a message. Hours. No reply. I briefly wonder if it's my voice. (2 people have said that I sound different than they expected. They're always quick to say that it's not bad, which tells me that it is, in fact, bad.) I shrug, and enjoy the heck out of the rest of the day and the real reason I was there.

He finally sends a message. Emergency at work, he's still there, sorry blah blah blah.
I laugh (smirk) at this flimsy excuse, but a friend reminds me of something I said earlier during the drive (in a completely unrelated conversation, this guy is hella smart, a student at a topnotch university, and he was teaching me about Immanual Kant).
I had said that I want to be one of those people who assumes the best possible motivations in others. Sees people in the best possible light. It'd be good for me, for them, good karma-wise, etc. And even somehow do this without lying to myself all the time.
So he challenged me -- look! Right away, a perfect opportunity to practice this new attitude!

So I did! I pretended that Bert really was working late! I pretended that he was sorry, and I pretended that I didn't get blown off.
Bert sent more messages when he "got home from work", and now I have to decide if I should pretend they're worth answering.

Thoughts, readers??

Dating Kiki 2.0 --An Introduction

I've been single since 1995.
I've toyed with dating all along the way:  One blind date with Elf. Briefly went to a singles ministry (met a deceitful guy, it was terrible, never again, blah blah), tried online things (but never actually called/met them, one friend makes fun of how i use it to make penpals)....one maddening thing happens to me regularly (it's happened at least 3 times) is that I can meet a guy, and he likes talking to me a lot. And we talk for hours and hours and hours. Yet he never actually wants to date me.  He might say really complimentary things about my appearance (this was 2 of them). He might tell me really deep and personal things about himself that he has never shared with anyone in his life ( again, 2...not same 2). He might accidentally call me "honey" sometimes (1 of them did this. I can make you a Venn Diagram if you want). But as far as actually asking me to be his gf, or however adults accomplish becoming official...never happens.

But this year is going to be different.
This is going to be the year that I  -- in the words of Mark H., a former student of mine -- "acquire a gentleman."

Rationale:

1. Fitting In
My two single friends are all but wearing the engagement ring. One met her guy in church, one met her guy online. Both spend the bulk of their free time with their respective guys. Neither thinks of the idea of letting me tag along on their dates.

2. Timing
L & C are all grown up. They'd like me to have other things occupying my mind and time, I'm sure.


So everything is coming together:

• Kids grown
• my braces are coming off & my body is getting really fit & I am less immature than ever - IT'S A TRIFECTA OF APPEAL
• Jupiter is aligning with Mars
• the end of the world is rapidly approaching

IT'S TIME.

3. Love, etc.
I do think about what it would be like have that element as a part of my life. I make a pros/cons list and assign weights to the criteria and crunch the numbers, the way I do for all major life decisions.
I can see that it could be a beneficial thing. And mutually beneficial, too -- I'd be a very nice life partner for someone. No,  really.



So I will log my quest here. The good, the bad, the ugly. I will change names, but not facts. I will record my feelings honestly, and spare the reader nothing. Be warned: This log could prove to be exciting and romantic, but will likely be boring and mildly depressing.

To my precious readership (all 3 of you really are precious to me,I'm not kidding), I welcome -- no, I invite --  your advice and encouragement, even your admonishment or correction.