Episode 21: Zosimus, and the Conclusion of AAG2012

Zosimus is:

• an excellent communicator
• living on the opposite side of the country from me, but possibly moving to my area.

We:

• Exchanged many resonance-drenched emails
• I love how he writes
• Switched to texting
• Constant texting
• With multiple conversation threads running simultaneously
• And no need to explain anything
• We 'get' each other
• There are crazy coincidences
• That feel like kismet

The Date

• Is crammed between holiday activities and house-hunting activities during his visit to my state
• Maybe an odd first date: looking at houses he's considering
• I'm more nervous than usual
• We meet at a local (to me) restaurant
• I'm trying to read his reaction to the in-person Kiki, and I can't
• We each brought a book gift for the other, both books are meaningful
• I love my book so much
• Try to tune in hard, turn all my receptors on...but that thing happens when I find someone attractive and it makes me keep losing focus
• After the lunch, we drive to the properties
• I like watching him interact with the realtor, I like watching him assess each house
• I like his playful flirting. I'm overwhelmed by it a little. I like when he holds my hand
• We return to the restaurant (my car is there)
• It's late, and he's due home. But we extend the date
• We have dinner at the same restaurant and we drink rum punch
• We are affectionate, maybe too much so, maybe because of the rum punch, maybe because of everything else

The Aftermath

So this is the part that's painful to describe.

• It's now Christmas time
• I perceive distance
• I think of all possible reasons for the distance, I am very good at brainstorming. I'm skillful at generating ideas
• I test each idea, especially the bad ones, against every data point I remember
• I "introduce a toxic element" into the situation, as only an ENFP can (from my MBTI book)
• I have a little surgery at the end of the week, and make the mistake of answering the phone while still high on Versed
• I don't remember exactly what the conversation entailed
• Over the next few days, it's clear that the conversation was destructive

Acquiring a Gentleman 2012: The Analysis

• Cindy promised me that nothing would reveal any twisted areas like dating.
• She was right:

See, you'd think I'd be a great partner.
I know I have the gift of encouragement, for instance.
And there are other things, too, that are desirable.

Dating again has actually boosted my confidence overall.

• It's still so bizarre to me, but I actually attract attention now. I will offer this recent evidence:  We took a recent trip to NYC, and this guy (from the UK, lives in Paris) asked to sit with me. He was funny, and we talked. He (I swear) at one point called me lovely.  We only smiled when we left the bus, but about 1/2 hour later, I was surprised to run into him at a McDonalds. The kids joked that it was too big a coincidence, that he intentionally tracked us down. 

• I feel like I can talk to single men now, whereas before I could only really talk with non-threatening men (married or gay, for example).

But it turns out that I have twisted areas. 

Now, I'm very good at showing appreciation, for real. I believe in affirming people

But turns out I'm terrible at expressing my feelings in a romantic context, when I like someone in a romantic way.
Even when I feel I'm completely exposing myself and gushing feelings....I'm kinda cryptic and veiled and circuitous and deflecting. I put qualifiers on every statement. I must, in fact, be maddening.

I just can't seem to embrace 'the dance' of dating, either. At least not when I really like someone.
I require definition (which can be meaningless, as someone explained to me). Which comes off as desperate and clingy and needy and other red flag words.
But it's not the exactly the desperate/clingy dynamic that it seems. (Salma gave me the funniest analogy w/ squirrels and nuts...you're not supposed to frighten the squirrel by asking for definitions/exclusivity...and I don't just frighten the squirrel. I bludgeon that poor squirrel to a bloody pulp with my questions.)
But it's not that dynamic -- really! I've been single for so long, and I've been happily so.

The real reason is simple:  I just want to mitigate risk.

So I look at everything in negative, or in a backwards way.(I think this is because I'm lefthanded)
For instance, when communicated 'dealbreakers' to Z., I was meaning the things about me that he'll likely learn and then reject me. I thought it was proactive and good.
Z pointed out that most people define dealbreakers as the things that *they* can't tolerate.


I also work from the perspective that no matter how nice it can seem, things are likely very wrong. (I think this is because I watch a lot of movies)
For instance, I assume there are reasons things will not work, and I keep my eyes open for those things. Again, thinking this is proactive and smart. But it's not, it's destructive.



And the Conclusion of the Acquiring A Gentleman 2012 Experiment

I am not as sad as that header sounds.
(The experiment had to end anyway, it's 2013 now!)

Yes, I didn't make it through the alphabet. "Z"osimus should have technically been "T".
Yes, I'm still single.
Yet - I can't call AAG2012 a failure!

I'm thankful for:

Meeting interesting people.

Developing ideas about online dating, and seeds of ideas about dating and relationships generally.

I'm most thankful for this:

First -- YOU! (The readers of my blog are truly my friends! You know who you are!!) 

You are and have been:

• tirelessly encouraging
• wise!
• so, so generous -- offering me your experiences as instruction
• WITTY and FUNNY - you are so smart to package everything in such a way that I can hear you

I am thankful for you, and I thank you!!

And finally I'm thankful for this:

AAG12 woke up a part of myself...or maybe even raised it from the dead.

Geez I feel emotional right now.

(((LOOK HOW I JUST EXPRESSED A FEELING WITHOUT USING A QUALIFIER! GO ME!))

Epilogue

So there has to be a 2013 venture, right? 

No clear idea what yet, going to take a few weeks to reflect and pray and maybe even fast.

Z. does these cool 2 year challenges (veganism, dropping caffeine, that sort of thing.) I was thinking of adopting this idea, except make it 2 weeks or 2 days. 

Maybe 2103 will be the Shawshank Redemption year.

Maybe the Mayans were off a year.

Obviously, I welcome your input.

Submit all ideas, you haven't steered me wrong yet.