Sisters of Mercy.....childhood nostalgia.....this song is speaking to me I think
Showing posts with label singleness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label singleness. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Dating Kiki 2.0 Episode 12: Reprieve? Reboot?
Lately, I've been reading about All Things MBTI -- it's an interest that I revisit from time to time, when I want to focus on interpersonal relationships for whatever reason.
So Dating Kiki 2.0 was bound to make me break out my "Please Understand Me" book (well-loved, pages falling out, stolen from my first church library). Now there are 983292 forums online to read through, too, which I'vewasted enjoyed hours doing.
And let's be real, specifically, it was JASPER who inspired me...
[Our types connect on our dominant function, I'm Ne and he is Ni, (iNtuitive Extraversion, iNtuitive Introversion). Basically, non-stop N-ing the entire time we're together. It's relatively rare, we can speak almost in code. Which is awesome]
Jasper and I had several dates, and each one had something really, really sweet that made me crave another date:
Date 1: Art Show
We walked around a local art show. His communication style -- jumping from topic to topic, from deep to whimsical -- my ADD was just singing, do you know what I mean?
Onelittle story: You all know by now that I have the problem w/ awkwardness. Well, the super awkward thing that kept happening on the first date was that my shirt kept popping open. I'd look down and my whole bra was hanging out. (NOTE: My cleavage is ridiculously unimpressive, but this is still embarrassing. Bra was purple at least.)
He pretended not to notice.
It happened 4 MORE TIMES.
Finally, I just confronted it, "Hey, this is kinda awful, and you're being really nice to pretend not to notice, but my shirt...?"
And he was so nice, he right away said, "Yeah! I've been thinking about how to help, I found this paperclip back there!"
And he offered the paperclip and an idea to tie it around the button, which turns out I couldn't do and he ended up doing, averting his eyes and fixing the problem and saving my dignity all at the same time.
And this interaction seems small, but it's representative of all our interactions, and it flipped a switch in me. That. Fast.
Date 2: The walk-around-a-cool-city date
Date3: THE MOTORCYCLE RIDE DATE
Detail: We went 98 twice! He didn't know how I'd feel about 3-digit speed. haha
Note: Riding motorcycles is now at the top of my wishlist for the Gentleman I shall Acquire in 2012.
Date 4: The dinner and movie date.
Date 5: The hang-out-at-a-house-and-do-normal things-date
And there may be no Date 6,7, etc. Or there may be. I don't know. I can't even put odds right now.
It's because there are some differences, and I can't tell if they're significant, or just the kind that I refer to as Charlotte's Web kind.
((There is a part in the book Charlotte's Web, where Wilbur learns that Charlotte traps insects and then sucks their blood. He really struggles with this bloodthirsty quality in his new friend, and I love the idea that E.B. White seems to put out there: how it's hard when we learn things about our new friends, but then we'll get used to the idea and understand that it's not really a problem. It's so so true!))
So now I don't know if I should just keep going, go on coffee dates with other people.
And the worst: Jasper thinks it would be fine, which tells me everything I need to know. ((Our issue is that he perceives me as having a lot of energy, and he just can't do that pace. This confuses me b/c I see myself as having much lower energy than I did in my 20s and 30s. So I see myself as pretty tame and boring now. I will say that when I'm with JASPER, I am probably vibrating w/ invisible energy though. I don't know.))
I know he enjoys being with me. Myers-Briggs again, he is so majorly Intoverted and needs so much alone time, and yet he will talk on the phone with me for hours and hours. He doesn't like dates to extend 5 hrs (another quirk of his), so I playfully said my goal was to make him go over 5 hrs everytime we're together. Once, we tripled that.
So I know I'm exhausting him. And I can't stop.
And I guess the bottom line: He is not as into me as I am into him. Because I would NEVER tell him to see others.
So, writing this out is helping me find my own answer.
Dating Kiki 2.0: I keep going.
Today I went on the site, and there were messages from lotsa people. A few were interesting. You all are going to KILL ME, but Felix actually wants to try again. There is Linus, from the other site. And some other guys who I don't even feel I can muster enough drive to answer their silly "If you were a fruit, what fruit would you be?" type canned questions. And who I'm not excited about at all.
Please know that I am not nearly as depressed as this sounds, I'm just maybe a 7 on a sad scale of 1-10.
And I get to see Moonrise Kingdom again, and the person I'm seeing it with is a gem, and she won't even know it, and she'll be healing to be around. So YAY GOD for this timing.
I await your feedback, and I already know it will be gentle, and true, and helpful.
Classy cheek kisses for all of you,
Kiki out.
So Dating Kiki 2.0 was bound to make me break out my "Please Understand Me" book (well-loved, pages falling out, stolen from my first church library). Now there are 983292 forums online to read through, too, which I've
And let's be real, specifically, it was JASPER who inspired me...
[Our types connect on our dominant function, I'm Ne and he is Ni, (iNtuitive Extraversion, iNtuitive Introversion). Basically, non-stop N-ing the entire time we're together. It's relatively rare, we can speak almost in code. Which is awesome]
Jasper and I had several dates, and each one had something really, really sweet that made me crave another date:
Date 1: Art Show
We walked around a local art show. His communication style -- jumping from topic to topic, from deep to whimsical -- my ADD was just singing, do you know what I mean?
One
He pretended not to notice.
It happened 4 MORE TIMES.
Finally, I just confronted it, "Hey, this is kinda awful, and you're being really nice to pretend not to notice, but my shirt...?"
And he was so nice, he right away said, "Yeah! I've been thinking about how to help, I found this paperclip back there!"
And he offered the paperclip and an idea to tie it around the button, which turns out I couldn't do and he ended up doing, averting his eyes and fixing the problem and saving my dignity all at the same time.
And this interaction seems small, but it's representative of all our interactions, and it flipped a switch in me. That. Fast.
Date 2: The walk-around-a-cool-city date
Date3: THE MOTORCYCLE RIDE DATE
Detail: We went 98 twice! He didn't know how I'd feel about 3-digit speed. haha
Note: Riding motorcycles is now at the top of my wishlist for the Gentleman I shall Acquire in 2012.
Date 4: The dinner and movie date.
Date 5: The hang-out-at-a-house-and-do-normal things-date
And there may be no Date 6,7, etc. Or there may be. I don't know. I can't even put odds right now.
It's because there are some differences, and I can't tell if they're significant, or just the kind that I refer to as Charlotte's Web kind.
((There is a part in the book Charlotte's Web, where Wilbur learns that Charlotte traps insects and then sucks their blood. He really struggles with this bloodthirsty quality in his new friend, and I love the idea that E.B. White seems to put out there: how it's hard when we learn things about our new friends, but then we'll get used to the idea and understand that it's not really a problem. It's so so true!))
So now I don't know if I should just keep going, go on coffee dates with other people.
And the worst: Jasper thinks it would be fine, which tells me everything I need to know. ((Our issue is that he perceives me as having a lot of energy, and he just can't do that pace. This confuses me b/c I see myself as having much lower energy than I did in my 20s and 30s. So I see myself as pretty tame and boring now. I will say that when I'm with JASPER, I am probably vibrating w/ invisible energy though. I don't know.))
I know he enjoys being with me. Myers-Briggs again, he is so majorly Intoverted and needs so much alone time, and yet he will talk on the phone with me for hours and hours. He doesn't like dates to extend 5 hrs (another quirk of his), so I playfully said my goal was to make him go over 5 hrs everytime we're together. Once, we tripled that.
So I know I'm exhausting him. And I can't stop.
And I guess the bottom line: He is not as into me as I am into him. Because I would NEVER tell him to see others.
So, writing this out is helping me find my own answer.
Dating Kiki 2.0: I keep going.
Today I went on the site, and there were messages from lotsa people. A few were interesting. You all are going to KILL ME, but Felix actually wants to try again. There is Linus, from the other site. And some other guys who I don't even feel I can muster enough drive to answer their silly "If you were a fruit, what fruit would you be?" type canned questions. And who I'm not excited about at all.
Please know that I am not nearly as depressed as this sounds, I'm just maybe a 7 on a sad scale of 1-10.
And I get to see Moonrise Kingdom again, and the person I'm seeing it with is a gem, and she won't even know it, and she'll be healing to be around. So YAY GOD for this timing.
I await your feedback, and I already know it will be gentle, and true, and helpful.
Classy cheek kisses for all of you,
Kiki out.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Dating Kiki 2.0 - Episode 11 Kiki (Jr.)
Pre-work
We'd been enjoying online chats for a while.
Seemed to have some things in common.
Decided on a coffee date....we know the drill by now: Cautious investment of time and money to feel the potential out.
Online, this one's magnificent: Witty, attractive, authentic (as much as can be online, ya know...)
Getting there: Driving from work, but no air in my car. I'm sweaty and my hair is matted to my face. Clothes are wet. Walk in, scan the room...and:
The IRL person FAR EXCEEDED every impression, pretty much immediately!!!
And before this post gets unclear, I'll just spill the beans:
Carol and I met in real life!
And I'll be crystal clear: It wasn't romantic. It was just a hunch from talking online that we're kindred. And then a realization that we live close to each other.
And it turns out the massive amount of connections/ahas/yeses/coincidences make that hunch the understatement of the week.
We went to the same school (just years apart)
We knew the same people (just at diff. times in our lives)
We have had similar jobs (and she just happens to have met one of my bffs, who just happens to also read this blog)
We've done the same things (it's just we can't usu say what they are b/c most ppl think we're weird)
We have the same personality letters (just exactly)
At one point, I felt like saying, "Oh, did you come of my mom's uterus, too? ((She would have just nodded casually, b/c by that point every single thing we ever did was similar and it was almost not surprising anymore, and I'd have just nodded knowingly and said,)) Yeah, I figured..."
When it was time to go, we joked about our hug and the awkward back pat and how many hours we should wait to send the thank you text and how many days before the next call. And we dubbed her Kiki Jr.
And it was lovely, and I wish all of us could get have a Dating Kiki Wrap Up Party when i am finished with Dating Kiki 2.0. (Maybe Alaskan Cruise? Perennia?)
Preview
In Episode 12, we will explore the question: When exactly am I supposed to be finished with Dating Kiki 2.0?
We'd been enjoying online chats for a while.
Seemed to have some things in common.
Decided on a coffee date....we know the drill by now: Cautious investment of time and money to feel the potential out.
Online, this one's magnificent: Witty, attractive, authentic (as much as can be online, ya know...)
Getting there: Driving from work, but no air in my car. I'm sweaty and my hair is matted to my face. Clothes are wet. Walk in, scan the room...and:
The IRL person FAR EXCEEDED every impression, pretty much immediately!!!
And before this post gets unclear, I'll just spill the beans:
Carol and I met in real life!
And I'll be crystal clear: It wasn't romantic. It was just a hunch from talking online that we're kindred. And then a realization that we live close to each other.
And it turns out the massive amount of connections/ahas/yeses/coincidences make that hunch the understatement of the week.
We went to the same school (just years apart)
We knew the same people (just at diff. times in our lives)
We have had similar jobs (and she just happens to have met one of my bffs, who just happens to also read this blog)
We've done the same things (it's just we can't usu say what they are b/c most ppl think we're weird)
We have the same personality letters (just exactly)
At one point, I felt like saying, "Oh, did you come of my mom's uterus, too? ((She would have just nodded casually, b/c by that point every single thing we ever did was similar and it was almost not surprising anymore, and I'd have just nodded knowingly and said,)) Yeah, I figured..."
When it was time to go, we joked about our hug and the awkward back pat and how many hours we should wait to send the thank you text and how many days before the next call. And we dubbed her Kiki Jr.
And it was lovely, and I wish all of us could get have a Dating Kiki Wrap Up Party when i am finished with Dating Kiki 2.0. (Maybe Alaskan Cruise? Perennia?)
Preview
In Episode 12, we will explore the question: When exactly am I supposed to be finished with Dating Kiki 2.0?
Friday, June 29, 2012
Dating Kiki 2.0 - Episode 10 Jasper
This post could be subtitled "ZOMG"
Jasper, online
riohw34ooi3up97u4i;o
eraeroiaeroyhgaeryh
dsddehp343049093430493049
Jasper, irl
SDJKDSJKSDSDJKSDJKSDN!!!!!!
UPDATE: I wrote all that and I will be more clear.
I just don't know what to write.
We've had 3 dates so far.
This is how I feel about him:
What's a girl to do?
My 5-point plan:
1. Get my MLC-CV (Midlife Crisis -Controlled version) tattoo of the Jane's Addiction lyrics on one wrist.
2. Tattoo this on the other: Above. all .else. guard. the. heart.
3. Chill the frick out.
4. Clean my house and do productive things for once.
5. Anything you guys recommend, b/c you haven't steered me wrong yet.
Cheek kisses for everyone, and Kiki out.
Jasper, online
riohw34ooi3up97u4i;o
- dsdsdsd
- sd23847cassdhjsdhjsdhjsjhsdhjsdhjsd
- sdsdsdlsjfsfjsrjwerjwsd
- sd
eraeroiaeroyhgaeryh
dsddehp343049093430493049
Jasper, irl
SDJKDSJKSDSDJKSDJKSDN!!!!!!
- FRDERU34JDJFSDSD!!!!!!???!!!!
- 834SDIFLHSDSDIL!!!!!!!
- 938434SDJKFDJSD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
UPDATE: I wrote all that and I will be more clear.
I just don't know what to write.
We've had 3 dates so far.
This is how I feel about him:
What's a girl to do?
My 5-point plan:
1. Get my MLC-CV (Midlife Crisis -Controlled version) tattoo of the Jane's Addiction lyrics on one wrist.
2. Tattoo this on the other: Above. all .else. guard. the. heart.
3. Chill the frick out.
4. Clean my house and do productive things for once.
5. Anything you guys recommend, b/c you haven't steered me wrong yet.
Cheek kisses for everyone, and Kiki out.
Saturday, June 23, 2012
DK 2.0 Episode 9- Holden, Izzy, and Jasper
Holden
-curly hair, kind eyes
-was the front runner
-yes, you read that past tense correctly
-we had decided that "Yes, meeting is good!"
-never heard from him again.
Because of my friends (present readership , I am talking about YOU here), these are the kinds of things I think now when I get this low-level, oblique rejection:
Oh Well. This kind of thing happens. It's probably for the best. Move on. NEXT!
I'd like you all to take special note: Not a single self-doubting, insecure thought in the mix. You might not know how big a deal this is for me.
I feel like taking all the money I was ever considering spending on a therapist and taking you all on a cruise as a way to say "Thank You."
Izzy
The Izzy section could be subtitled, "Don't Judge Me"
- really devoted father
- in email correspondence, mentioned his kid every 2 sentences
- you know, that thing we parents do when we mention every smart/cute/funny thing our little offspring says/does and we think we're being charming conversationalists
- plans to meet for coffee
On the free dating website, you can take a billion tests and answer a billion questions, and they make a personality assessment for you, a graphic that tells if you are "More" or "Less" various traits than ppl of your age and gender. One of my traits is that I'm "More Geeky" than women my age, and that's the trait that Izzy and I seem to connect on.
BUT, at the last minute, something comes up and he has his kid that night, and we have to cancel/postpone.
I have typed and erased a joke sentence about how he was prob relieved, b/c he got to spend the evening w/ his kid instead....But I can't make the joke work and not sound mean...and the truth is, it's good if a guy is into his children!!! And I AM PRETTY POSITIVE I did that thing w/ my kids, too....and still do ....
Ugly confession time:
Even though there has been no date, conversations w/ guys w/ little kids has made me think.
Maybe I'm not up for dating someone with little kids. Or maybe casual dating is fine....just not aserious/committed relationship where there's a chance I could someday be "Stepmom Kiki."
I used to think the Baroness in the Sound of Music was HORRIBLE when Max was asking her about the fact that the Captain had 6 kids, and she's like:
Darling, haven't you ever heard of a delightful little thing called boarding school?
And while I still think Maria is the best person ever, and I aspire to be her, I have a lot more grace toward the Baroness now. I mean, look at her awesome hair.
Jasper
OK, this is unprecedented: I'm gonna hold these cards close to my chest for now.
Promise I'll tell more very, very soon.
I just wanted all of you to know that there is a Jasper.
-curly hair, kind eyes
-was the front runner
-yes, you read that past tense correctly
-we had decided that "Yes, meeting is good!"
-never heard from him again.
Because of my friends (present readership , I am talking about YOU here), these are the kinds of things I think now when I get this low-level, oblique rejection:
Oh Well. This kind of thing happens. It's probably for the best. Move on. NEXT!
I'd like you all to take special note: Not a single self-doubting, insecure thought in the mix. You might not know how big a deal this is for me.
I feel like taking all the money I was ever considering spending on a therapist and taking you all on a cruise as a way to say "Thank You."
Izzy
The Izzy section could be subtitled, "Don't Judge Me"
- really devoted father
- in email correspondence, mentioned his kid every 2 sentences
- you know, that thing we parents do when we mention every smart/cute/funny thing our little offspring says/does and we think we're being charming conversationalists
- plans to meet for coffee
On the free dating website, you can take a billion tests and answer a billion questions, and they make a personality assessment for you, a graphic that tells if you are "More" or "Less" various traits than ppl of your age and gender. One of my traits is that I'm "More Geeky" than women my age, and that's the trait that Izzy and I seem to connect on.
BUT, at the last minute, something comes up and he has his kid that night, and we have to cancel/postpone.
I have typed and erased a joke sentence about how he was prob relieved, b/c he got to spend the evening w/ his kid instead....But I can't make the joke work and not sound mean...and the truth is, it's good if a guy is into his children!!! And I AM PRETTY POSITIVE I did that thing w/ my kids, too....and still do ....
Ugly confession time:
Even though there has been no date, conversations w/ guys w/ little kids has made me think.
Maybe I'm not up for dating someone with little kids. Or maybe casual dating is fine....just not aserious/committed relationship where there's a chance I could someday be "Stepmom Kiki."
I used to think the Baroness in the Sound of Music was HORRIBLE when Max was asking her about the fact that the Captain had 6 kids, and she's like:
Darling, haven't you ever heard of a delightful little thing called boarding school?
And while I still think Maria is the best person ever, and I aspire to be her, I have a lot more grace toward the Baroness now. I mean, look at her awesome hair.
Jasper
OK, this is unprecedented: I'm gonna hold these cards close to my chest for now.
Promise I'll tell more very, very soon.
I just wanted all of you to know that there is a Jasper.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Dating Kiki 2.0 - preview of Episode 8 - Gregory and Holden
Gregory ......and I may go out on Friday. We will see. I do not know yet if I am available. For some reason, I do not use a single contraction when I am speaking with him. I think it is because he does not use contractions.
Holden ......is the new front runner.
AND WE ALL KNOW HOW GREAT I AM AT PICKING OUT FRONT RUNNERS.
#curlyhair #adorable #SIGH #doomed #ihopenot
Holden ......is the new front runner.
AND WE ALL KNOW HOW GREAT I AM AT PICKING OUT FRONT RUNNERS.
#curlyhair #adorable #SIGH #doomed #ihopenot
Monday, June 4, 2012
Dating Kiki 2.0 - Updates (Bert, Elmer) and a Preview (Felix)
First, let's review:
Bert - Stood me up kinda, work emergency.
Elmer - The Most Interesting Man in the World, YOLO guy
Felix - On deck. I have a strange, strong pull toward him. I may have already blown it.
Updates
Bert: Communicating via the site. Very loose plans to connect ...never materialized. And today he "closed" me! (On this site, it means you won't be able to communicate anymore nor see past communication) I LOL-ed.
Elmer: We're going to walk again! I don't know if there's any potential for a romance, but he's an interesting person, and I'm happy to spend more time with him.
Preview
NOTE: This is me, being really honest about mistakes. Like I said, I'm going to share the good, the bad, and the ugly. This would be classified under "the ugly", not like, hideously ugly, but...well, you can read and decide how ugly it is for yourself.
Felix: We have only talked online. SO MUCH RESONANCE. Keeping my feelings in check, b/c of the Online Persona Axiom. (irl > online). But I love chatting (typing/writing) with him. He's fun, and not boring.
We were supposed to meet this weekend, and it got confusing and didn't work out. In my head, he 'stood me up'. I said "no" to 2 fun offers to clear out the day for Felix, and so when we couldn't connect, I was irritated. We kept missing each other online (neither of us like giving our # out, so we'd agreed to use the site for communication)
In my irritation, I may have mis-interpreted some things.
OK, I admit it. I went back and read the chat, and I definitely filled in my own blanks in the conversation in a bad way. So my daughter, who is brilliant in the traditional IQ/SAT way and also in the Emotional Intelligence way, listened to the abbreviated account over Dunkin Donuts coffee, which helped me sort it out. At her suggestion, I sent a message that (hopefully) explained my perspective a little better.
(And who knows if/how he'll respond. And so this may be a preview to absolutely nothing!)
Monday, May 28, 2012
DK 2.0 - Episode 4 - Dag and Elmer
The Means
OK, besides using the online dating service that boasts 29 points of compatibility and does the pre-selecting for you, I also signed up for a free one that some coworkers suggested.
This one is a free-for-all: You can search anyone, choose anyone. You can rate them with stars, favorite them, messge them, chat them. There are quizzes and questions and polls and keyword searches. The data is crunched, and for anyone you select, the site gives you a percentage of "Friend" and "Enemy" the two of you are.. I'm finding the site to be overwhelming, but part of it is just the busy interface. Which I'll get used to. Part of it is the crazy messages you receive. Which I'll get used to, and probably shouldn't.
On this site, I've been messaged by married men (uh, no thx ), boys who are in their 20s (uh...i want to lecture you on staying in college and not texting while driving), and finally lately: viable prospects.
Dag
He messages me, seems intelligent. I almost joked around with him and asked him if he gets a lot more dates in the last few years b/c he kinda has an Obama look to him. (I'm glad I didn't, I don't think he would have liked that.)
We decide, completely spontaneously, to meet for coffee. I know this is not the safest thing: there's been no exchange of information, no googling, no checking public records sites.
We meet and have really good discussion for a couple of hours. I won't go into details, but he has some really unique perspectives. I actually encourage him to blog, write, something.
I am starting to wonder about online dating in general. I would have never met this person unless I had put my profile on the site. In our real lives, our paths would have never crossed.
I am disrupting the flow of the universe right now. I'm like the character in those movies who time travels and really screws everything up doing something really normal...like eating a cupcake...but the cupcake was supposed to have been eaten by a different person, cuz he was gonna choke on it, and the person who gives him the heimlich maneuver ends up being his future wife. And so b/c I eat the cupcake, all their kids in their family photo from the present year are fading away, b/c they'll never exist. Because I had to eat the dang cupcake. And turns out I don't even want more of those cupcakes.
It's time to go to our car, which he wants to walk me to. I briefly picture a scene from a movie where a gun is pulled out and shoved into my side and he's like,"Get in the car. Scream and you're dead."
So I play with my phone and let him know that I'm texting my kid...(so you can just leave that gun in your pocket, OK? HA! Foiled!")
I drive away. I do not know what's next. Writing this entry is helping me even think about it all.
Elmer
Elmer and I are planning to meet next week. Very, very interesting person: again, someone with completely different perspectives than I have. His accomplishment is intimidating to me.
And here I go, eating another cupcake, playing fast and loose with fate .... never knowing who I'm actually supposed to meet and interact with.
THIS POST IS A DOWNER, I KNOW. Don't worry, Readers. I plan to have another ridiculous date very soon where I get to Kiki-First-Base (brushing shoulders) and have ZERO deep thoughts during the date and just say REALLY AWKWARD things to him that make him have that CUTE PUZZLED look on his face. SO don't stop reading, deal???
OK, besides using the online dating service that boasts 29 points of compatibility and does the pre-selecting for you, I also signed up for a free one that some coworkers suggested.
This one is a free-for-all: You can search anyone, choose anyone. You can rate them with stars, favorite them, messge them, chat them. There are quizzes and questions and polls and keyword searches. The data is crunched, and for anyone you select, the site gives you a percentage of "Friend" and "Enemy" the two of you are.. I'm finding the site to be overwhelming, but part of it is just the busy interface. Which I'll get used to. Part of it is the crazy messages you receive. Which I'll get used to, and probably shouldn't.
On this site, I've been messaged by married men (uh, no thx ), boys who are in their 20s (uh...i want to lecture you on staying in college and not texting while driving), and finally lately: viable prospects.
Dag
He messages me, seems intelligent. I almost joked around with him and asked him if he gets a lot more dates in the last few years b/c he kinda has an Obama look to him. (I'm glad I didn't, I don't think he would have liked that.)
We decide, completely spontaneously, to meet for coffee. I know this is not the safest thing: there's been no exchange of information, no googling, no checking public records sites.
We meet and have really good discussion for a couple of hours. I won't go into details, but he has some really unique perspectives. I actually encourage him to blog, write, something.
I am starting to wonder about online dating in general. I would have never met this person unless I had put my profile on the site. In our real lives, our paths would have never crossed.
I am disrupting the flow of the universe right now. I'm like the character in those movies who time travels and really screws everything up doing something really normal...like eating a cupcake...but the cupcake was supposed to have been eaten by a different person, cuz he was gonna choke on it, and the person who gives him the heimlich maneuver ends up being his future wife. And so b/c I eat the cupcake, all their kids in their family photo from the present year are fading away, b/c they'll never exist. Because I had to eat the dang cupcake. And turns out I don't even want more of those cupcakes.
It's time to go to our car, which he wants to walk me to. I briefly picture a scene from a movie where a gun is pulled out and shoved into my side and he's like,"Get in the car. Scream and you're dead."
So I play with my phone and let him know that I'm texting my kid...(so you can just leave that gun in your pocket, OK? HA! Foiled!")
I drive away. I do not know what's next. Writing this entry is helping me even think about it all.
Elmer
Elmer and I are planning to meet next week. Very, very interesting person: again, someone with completely different perspectives than I have. His accomplishment is intimidating to me.
And here I go, eating another cupcake, playing fast and loose with fate .... never knowing who I'm actually supposed to meet and interact with.
THIS POST IS A DOWNER, I KNOW. Don't worry, Readers. I plan to have another ridiculous date very soon where I get to Kiki-First-Base (brushing shoulders) and have ZERO deep thoughts during the date and just say REALLY AWKWARD things to him that make him have that CUTE PUZZLED look on his face. SO don't stop reading, deal???
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Soulmates
Always a fun discussion:
[Assuming we're not meant to be single]
a. Is there a person out there in the world meant for each of us?
ONE, SINGLE, person? So our quest is to find them? Or recognize them when they find us?
OR
b. Is nothing really pre-ordained, or 'meant to be'? We are frighteningly free to choose anyone who'll have us, and live it out.
OR
c. Is there a pool of 'potential destinies', and depending on timing/choices/circumstances, any of them would be 'best'?
Each is kinda terrible:
a. If I have one soulmate, I blew it. Because I married Mike, right? And if my SM *was* Mike, then it's still messed up forever b/c we split and he married another person, thus messing up her shot for The One. It's a miserable domino effect scenario.
b. I take 5 hours to pick a paint color that I might have to live with for a month. It's taken me 2 years to decide to dye my hair. And that hasn't even happened yet. This kind of thing is why I used a Magic Eight Ball to make major life decisions until my early twenties.
c. This middle road is the one I can live with. I just want a little guidance, OK? Just some assurance.
Guidance so that I can dodge bullets and navigate through minefields.
Assurance that, at the end of all the bullet-dodging and minefield-navigating, there will be something of worth.
[btw, it's a gigantic assumption to assume you're not meant to be single when you're my age, etc. but this was for discussion's sake. We'll give Singleness and all it's merits/struggles its own post sometime]
[Assuming we're not meant to be single]
a. Is there a person out there in the world meant for each of us?
ONE, SINGLE, person? So our quest is to find them? Or recognize them when they find us?
OR
b. Is nothing really pre-ordained, or 'meant to be'? We are frighteningly free to choose anyone who'll have us, and live it out.
OR
c. Is there a pool of 'potential destinies', and depending on timing/choices/circumstances, any of them would be 'best'?
Each is kinda terrible:
a. If I have one soulmate, I blew it. Because I married Mike, right? And if my SM *was* Mike, then it's still messed up forever b/c we split and he married another person, thus messing up her shot for The One. It's a miserable domino effect scenario.
b. I take 5 hours to pick a paint color that I might have to live with for a month. It's taken me 2 years to decide to dye my hair. And that hasn't even happened yet. This kind of thing is why I used a Magic Eight Ball to make major life decisions until my early twenties.
c. This middle road is the one I can live with. I just want a little guidance, OK? Just some assurance.
Guidance so that I can dodge bullets and navigate through minefields.
Assurance that, at the end of all the bullet-dodging and minefield-navigating, there will be something of worth.
[btw, it's a gigantic assumption to assume you're not meant to be single when you're my age, etc. but this was for discussion's sake. We'll give Singleness and all it's merits/struggles its own post sometime]
Sunday, May 20, 2012
DK 2.0 - Episode 3 - Clarence
This episode could be called "29 Points of Compatibility? Please."
Pre-Date:
I initiated this one by sending Clarence this charming thing [the online dating service I chose] calls an "Icebreaker". Kinda like the old Facebook "poke", it's just a pretty meaningless gesture that says, "It's too much work to compose an original thought, I'll just pick this phrase from this dropdown menu."
We skipped all the canned questions (e.g "How much personal space do you need in a relationship?") and the Must Haves/Can't Stands (laundry list of traits you check off, all are kind of obvious), and long questions.... and so we tried to gather the necessary information through the site's email.
While I feel I am very open and clear in communication, others seem to think I'm guarded and evasive. *shrug*. So, because in person > online, we discuss meeting irl.
Took Perennia's advice: coffee date.
But HE DOESN"T DRINK COFFEE. (28 points of compatibility?)
Tea date?
Tea date.
He also likes to 'plan in advance'. (Plans panic me. 27 pts of comp.), so we actually have to make this plan for DAYS IN ADVANCE. I flex, go me.
The Date
He drives the longer distance to meet, which is very nice of him. I arrive first, it's a poetry reading. Which is cool, except the guy is doing that Taylor Mali piece about teaching, and for some reason it makes me sad.
Then Clarence arrives, and it's one of those things where someone is even more appealing in person than online (instead of the other way around).
We get our TEA, and sit. Talking is pretty easy, he seems really experienced with dating generally.
We notice how different we are, and think it's funny, and so everytime there is a blaring incongruous thing, I count down another Point of Compatibility. Which he pretends to think is funny.
We're down to about 18 or so when we decide to walk around.
PERENNIA: You're going to call me out on this. I DIDN"T END IT AFTER AN HOUR. He was cute!! And we were so adorably incompatible!! haha
We honestly just walk around and basically, well, loiter.
We talk about a lot of things, I suspect (as I do with a lot of people) that he's not over his last relationship. He says something insightful that I will have to think about: My long history of not-dating is unusual for people our age. Everyone I meet will likely have a recent (by my def, in the last 15 years haha) relationship...Acknowledging that doesn't mean that they're not over it
We're down to about 5 points of compatibility. I decide the claims of this online dating service are complete BS.
At one point, we walk to a gas station to get snacks because I was so hungry. It felt oddly like high school, or something...eating string cheese on the brick stairs at 2 AM...
It is completely, ridiculously late, we walk back to where we were parked.
Hugs, a cheek-kiss. (Not me, I wish I were classy like that. I seriously want to be one of those awesome women who kiss everyone on the cheek, when they first meet and when they leave and all time time. But I'm not. At least not yet.)
My takeaways:
1. Physical attraction muddies the waters: We could have had zero points of compatibility and I still would have sat with him on the library stairs and eaten mozarella.
In fact, we probably DO have zero POCs and if he asked for a second date, I'd probably say "OK!"
((I probably should make it a point to only date people who aren't appealing to me. No I shouldn't. Yes I should. READERS, HELP.))
2. It's a lot harder to write about dates that aren't terrible.
Pre-Date:
I initiated this one by sending Clarence this charming thing [the online dating service I chose] calls an "Icebreaker". Kinda like the old Facebook "poke", it's just a pretty meaningless gesture that says, "It's too much work to compose an original thought, I'll just pick this phrase from this dropdown menu."
We skipped all the canned questions (e.g "How much personal space do you need in a relationship?") and the Must Haves/Can't Stands (laundry list of traits you check off, all are kind of obvious), and long questions.... and so we tried to gather the necessary information through the site's email.
While I feel I am very open and clear in communication, others seem to think I'm guarded and evasive. *shrug*. So, because in person > online, we discuss meeting irl.
Took Perennia's advice: coffee date.
But HE DOESN"T DRINK COFFEE. (28 points of compatibility?)
Tea date?
Tea date.
He also likes to 'plan in advance'. (Plans panic me. 27 pts of comp.), so we actually have to make this plan for DAYS IN ADVANCE. I flex, go me.
The Date
He drives the longer distance to meet, which is very nice of him. I arrive first, it's a poetry reading. Which is cool, except the guy is doing that Taylor Mali piece about teaching, and for some reason it makes me sad.
Then Clarence arrives, and it's one of those things where someone is even more appealing in person than online (instead of the other way around).
We get our TEA, and sit. Talking is pretty easy, he seems really experienced with dating generally.
We notice how different we are, and think it's funny, and so everytime there is a blaring incongruous thing, I count down another Point of Compatibility. Which he pretends to think is funny.
We're down to about 18 or so when we decide to walk around.
PERENNIA: You're going to call me out on this. I DIDN"T END IT AFTER AN HOUR. He was cute!! And we were so adorably incompatible!! haha
We honestly just walk around and basically, well, loiter.
We talk about a lot of things, I suspect (as I do with a lot of people) that he's not over his last relationship. He says something insightful that I will have to think about: My long history of not-dating is unusual for people our age. Everyone I meet will likely have a recent (by my def, in the last 15 years haha) relationship...Acknowledging that doesn't mean that they're not over it
We're down to about 5 points of compatibility. I decide the claims of this online dating service are complete BS.
At one point, we walk to a gas station to get snacks because I was so hungry. It felt oddly like high school, or something...eating string cheese on the brick stairs at 2 AM...
It is completely, ridiculously late, we walk back to where we were parked.
Hugs, a cheek-kiss. (Not me, I wish I were classy like that. I seriously want to be one of those awesome women who kiss everyone on the cheek, when they first meet and when they leave and all time time. But I'm not. At least not yet.)
My takeaways:
1. Physical attraction muddies the waters: We could have had zero points of compatibility and I still would have sat with him on the library stairs and eaten mozarella.
In fact, we probably DO have zero POCs and if he asked for a second date, I'd probably say "OK!"
((I probably should make it a point to only date people who aren't appealing to me. No I shouldn't. Yes I should. READERS, HELP.))
2. It's a lot harder to write about dates that aren't terrible.
Friday, May 11, 2012
Dating Kiki: Episode 1 - Arthur
How Arthur presented himself:
Stable job, wealthy, blah blah. Feels we're compatible, but based on what exactly, I'm not sure. (I'm not into money, and "stability", *yawn*...) After a (*67ed) conversation, we agree to meet. Public place, walk around, eat food, etc.
Prep for the date:
So we make plans for L & Crew to come along. Not as participants. As the Random Public, walk around, eat food, etc -- but standing by if needed.
The Date in 10
1. Arrive, park, find each other.
2. Awkward hellos. Words, pleasantries, fake laughs.
Aside: Fascinating to take in my first experience with the contrast of the Online Person and the IRL Person. Not even saying he misrepresented himself -- it's just very, very different. Trying to absorb this concept. Realizing that I am probably very different on paper also.
3. Stores, nice clerks who assuage some of the awkwardness.
4. KIDS ENTER. ZOMG.
Aside: I can't make eye contact with them. Biting the inside of my cheeks hard to keep a straight face, and digging my fingernails into my hands. I will have to do this all day (self-inflict pain)all day long to keep from laughing.
5. Forced talk, more stores.
6. Kids saying ridiculous things to make me break, lounging on steps as we pass, texting me funny things ("ABORT ABORT ABORT")
Aside: We're exchanging stories, and my heart is hurting for him. I go into counselor mode, because I feel I know how to deal with loneliness (HOBBIES. RUN LONG DISTANCES. GET PUGS/FRIENDS.). Ironically, I don't think dating is the right way to deal with loneliness. I'm trying to convey this, not caring how confusing this conversation could be, b/c I really want to help.
7. He interrupts me with an abrupt invitation to go to his house right then (wtf?)
8. I show ninja conversation skills w/ deft avoidance and topic change.
Aside: The kid stuff continues to be the funniest part. If I could have filmed it and edited, it would be TV-show-funny.Clip: L to his male friend in a store: "This kinda goes with your eyes..." Clip: At one point, he was asking about my kids and I was telling him about my 19 year old son, and I could've turned and pointed to L ("..and here he is!") It's hard to convey, but I seriously felt like we had a *script*.
9. Wrapping it up two hrs too late, by our cars. The end:
He brings up the home thing again. I am feeling sad; his loneliness is palpable. I decide to give him some truth.
I do well: I tell him that yes, it took me aback, because visiting a man's home is like step 692 and we're only on step 3, and so yes, it was odd.
But he doesn't want to learn. He blurts out, "What step is sex?" (?!!!)
All my pity turns immediately to annoyance. "Step 12 billion."
He asks for a hug. I shrug, irritated and say I guess so. He immediately asks, "How about a kiss?"
My annoyance is now irritation. "Now you can have a handshake."
10. Drive away. He sits there, on his phone...probably updating his spreadsheet.
I'm going to continue the Dating Kiki 2.0 experiment. Proceed with eyes wide open and brain cranked up.
I'll share here and with friends and be open to critique.
By the way: I'll share judiciously.
Like for this one...if you only knew what I'd left out, geez....
My goal is to write this stuff honestly, while still protecting the dignity of those involved (as much as I can).
Stable job, wealthy, blah blah. Feels we're compatible, but based on what exactly, I'm not sure. (I'm not into money, and "stability", *yawn*...) After a (*67ed) conversation, we agree to meet. Public place, walk around, eat food, etc.
Prep for the date:
Immediately, images of every conceivable way this could go wrong goes through my head. Reruns of Oprah's show that taught us how to remove the tailights out from inside a trunk...Possible headlines following the aftermath of this date....and then it dawns on me! MY KID IS THE ANSWER. If he is there, I'll feel comfortable.
L and some of his friends offer dating advice these days. Initially, it amused me. But their advice is actually *good*; and so now I laugh, but secretly take notes. (High five to all of my fantastic friends who raised these wise kids)
L and some of his friends offer dating advice these days. Initially, it amused me. But their advice is actually *good*; and so now I laugh, but secretly take notes. (High five to all of my fantastic friends who raised these wise kids)
So we make plans for L & Crew to come along. Not as participants. As the Random Public, walk around, eat food, etc -- but standing by if needed.
The Date in 10
1. Arrive, park, find each other.
2. Awkward hellos. Words, pleasantries, fake laughs.
Aside: Fascinating to take in my first experience with the contrast of the Online Person and the IRL Person. Not even saying he misrepresented himself -- it's just very, very different. Trying to absorb this concept. Realizing that I am probably very different on paper also.
3. Stores, nice clerks who assuage some of the awkwardness.
4. KIDS ENTER. ZOMG.
Aside: I can't make eye contact with them. Biting the inside of my cheeks hard to keep a straight face, and digging my fingernails into my hands. I will have to do this all day (self-inflict pain)all day long to keep from laughing.
5. Forced talk, more stores.
6. Kids saying ridiculous things to make me break, lounging on steps as we pass, texting me funny things ("ABORT ABORT ABORT")
Aside: We're exchanging stories, and my heart is hurting for him. I go into counselor mode, because I feel I know how to deal with loneliness (HOBBIES. RUN LONG DISTANCES. GET PUGS/FRIENDS.). Ironically, I don't think dating is the right way to deal with loneliness. I'm trying to convey this, not caring how confusing this conversation could be, b/c I really want to help.
7. He interrupts me with an abrupt invitation to go to his house right then (wtf?)
8. I show ninja conversation skills w/ deft avoidance and topic change.
Aside: The kid stuff continues to be the funniest part. If I could have filmed it and edited, it would be TV-show-funny.Clip: L to his male friend in a store: "This kinda goes with your eyes..." Clip: At one point, he was asking about my kids and I was telling him about my 19 year old son, and I could've turned and pointed to L ("..and here he is!") It's hard to convey, but I seriously felt like we had a *script*.
9. Wrapping it up two hrs too late, by our cars. The end:
He brings up the home thing again. I am feeling sad; his loneliness is palpable. I decide to give him some truth.
I do well: I tell him that yes, it took me aback, because visiting a man's home is like step 692 and we're only on step 3, and so yes, it was odd.
But he doesn't want to learn. He blurts out, "What step is sex?" (?!!!)
All my pity turns immediately to annoyance. "Step 12 billion."
He asks for a hug. I shrug, irritated and say I guess so. He immediately asks, "How about a kiss?"
My annoyance is now irritation. "Now you can have a handshake."
10. Drive away. He sits there, on his phone...probably updating his spreadsheet.
I'm going to continue the Dating Kiki 2.0 experiment. Proceed with eyes wide open and brain cranked up.
I'll share here and with friends and be open to critique.
By the way: I'll share judiciously.
Like for this one...if you only knew what I'd left out, geez....
My goal is to write this stuff honestly, while still protecting the dignity of those involved (as much as I can).
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Dating Kiki 2.0 --An Introduction
I've been single since 1995.
I've toyed with dating all along the way: One blind date with Elf. Briefly went to a singles ministry (met a deceitful guy, it was terrible, never again, blah blah), tried online things (but never actually called/met them, one friend makes fun of how i use it to make penpals)....one maddening thing happens to me regularly (it's happened at least 3 times) is that I can meet a guy, and he likes talking to me a lot. And we talk for hours and hours and hours. Yet he never actually wants to date me. He might say really complimentary things about my appearance (this was 2 of them). He might tell me really deep and personal things about himself that he has never shared with anyone in his life ( again, 2...not same 2). He might accidentally call me "honey" sometimes (1 of them did this. I can make you a Venn Diagram if you want). But as far as actually asking me to be his gf, or however adults accomplish becoming official...never happens.
But this year is going to be different.
This is going to be the year that I -- in the words of Mark H., a former student of mine -- "acquire a gentleman."
Rationale:
1. Fitting In
My two single friends are all but wearing the engagement ring. One met her guy in church, one met her guy online. Both spend the bulk of their free time with their respective guys. Neither thinks of the idea of letting me tag along on their dates.
2. Timing
L & C are all grown up. They'd like me to have other things occupying my mind and time, I'm sure.
So everything is coming together:
3. Love, etc.
I do think about what it would be like have that element as a part of my life. I make a pros/cons list and assign weights to the criteria and crunch the numbers, the way I do for all major life decisions.
I can see that it could be a beneficial thing. And mutually beneficial, too -- I'd be a very nice life partner for someone. No, really.
So I will log my quest here. The good, the bad, the ugly. I will change names, but not facts. I will record my feelings honestly, and spare the reader nothing. Be warned: This log could prove to be exciting and romantic, but will likely be boring and mildly depressing.
To my precious readership (all 3 of you really are precious to me,I'm not kidding), I welcome -- no, I invite -- your advice and encouragement, even your admonishment or correction.
I've toyed with dating all along the way: One blind date with Elf. Briefly went to a singles ministry (met a deceitful guy, it was terrible, never again, blah blah), tried online things (but never actually called/met them, one friend makes fun of how i use it to make penpals)....one maddening thing happens to me regularly (it's happened at least 3 times) is that I can meet a guy, and he likes talking to me a lot. And we talk for hours and hours and hours. Yet he never actually wants to date me. He might say really complimentary things about my appearance (this was 2 of them). He might tell me really deep and personal things about himself that he has never shared with anyone in his life ( again, 2...not same 2). He might accidentally call me "honey" sometimes (1 of them did this. I can make you a Venn Diagram if you want). But as far as actually asking me to be his gf, or however adults accomplish becoming official...never happens.
But this year is going to be different.
This is going to be the year that I -- in the words of Mark H., a former student of mine -- "acquire a gentleman."
Rationale:
1. Fitting In
My two single friends are all but wearing the engagement ring. One met her guy in church, one met her guy online. Both spend the bulk of their free time with their respective guys. Neither thinks of the idea of letting me tag along on their dates.
2. Timing
L & C are all grown up. They'd like me to have other things occupying my mind and time, I'm sure.
So everything is coming together:
- Kids grown
- my braces are coming off & my body is getting really fit & I am less immature than ever - IT'S A TRIFECTA OF APPEAL
- Jupiter is aligning with Mars
- the end of the world is rapidly approaching
3. Love, etc.
I do think about what it would be like have that element as a part of my life. I make a pros/cons list and assign weights to the criteria and crunch the numbers, the way I do for all major life decisions.
I can see that it could be a beneficial thing. And mutually beneficial, too -- I'd be a very nice life partner for someone. No, really.
So I will log my quest here. The good, the bad, the ugly. I will change names, but not facts. I will record my feelings honestly, and spare the reader nothing. Be warned: This log could prove to be exciting and romantic, but will likely be boring and mildly depressing.
To my precious readership (all 3 of you really are precious to me,I'm not kidding), I welcome -- no, I invite -- your advice and encouragement, even your admonishment or correction.
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