Dating Kiki 2.0: Thoughts on Dating from two awesome Moms

((from my personal correspondence w/ Carol =) re: dating/boys/love/etc))

"My mom never really talked about dating with me, but she did give me some nuggets of goodness along the way. 

1.  Just because he's a great guy doesn't mean he's a great guy for you.  Don't force it.  Don't feel like you have to try to make it work just because

2.  When it is right, seriously, you will know.  It will be easy and you will be surprised how easy it is to be together. 

3.  The question is never if you can live with someone...it's always if you can live without him."

((From my old myspace blog. EE is a writer who I love to death. The mood thing is just something myspace did back in 2007.))

Current mood:chipper

Elisabeth Elliott's mama had two bits of advice regarding guys:

1. Never chase them.
2. Keep them at arms' length.

She was voted the Spoon Girl at her university. I think that means that this advice must work.

11:11 PM

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  • 
    kiki

    The Spoon Girl was like getting voted Queen of a dance or parade or something.

    5 years ago
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    

Ravi

Another old myspace blog entry circa 2007.

And the comment is from the same Shannon who comments on this blog. Her comments improve/help me better understand everything. Note: She does this IRL for me, too. I wonder how many miles we've walked (around Centennial Lake, around neighborhoods)  so that we could poke and prod and draw out and correct and affirm some idea or another.

Prediction: Shannon will actually try and figure this out using logic now, and give an estimate here. And that estimate would probably be within 10 mi. or so.

Prediction 2: Shannon will cast doubt on my uncanny ability to predict things b/c I wrote it here, so it appears to be a challenge or that I gave her the idea. But if you're honest with yourself, Shannon, you will admit that you were thinking of a figure before you read the first Prediction. BE HONEST GEEZ. Now the blog.

RAVI

I love Ravi Zacharias. I love his ability to preach, I love his massive IQ, I love how he always talks about the movie " Chariots of Fire", Cissy and I  love how when a word ends with "s" he draws it out, for example, "Jesus Christ (dramatic pause) died for our sinssssssssssss."

I wanted to put an awesome quote here. But it's about 3 paragraphs long. And Cissy complains my blogs are too long to suffer. I want to summarize below: (C. is probably already clicked out of this by now hahaha)

It's this idea that Christians need to differentiate between our opinions and our convictions. Our opinions need not be foisted on anyone. And even our convictions--every conviction we hold should be undergirded by love.

He says that, without the undergirding of love, the possessor of any conviction becomes obnoxious, and the dogma believed becomes repulsive to the one who disagrees with it.

Jesus, of course, is the ultimate example. Instructing, convicting...loving.

12:10 AM

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  • 
    Shannon!
    

    In honor of Cissy, it is my aim to post a comment LONGER than your original post!  :)
    
    I see our own brand of post-modernism in this.  Just remembering that we will be wrong on something...I suppose we will probably be wrong in our convictions and our opinions. (hmm...how can one be wrong on a conviction?  Does that mean it doesn't come from God?  Do we call things convictions that in fact are opinions? But this is not where I was going.)
    
    And then of course I think of fundamentalism, defined as the idea that if you don't agree with me on what I say is important, I will hate you.  (This has the appearance of greater civility, since it used to be "If you don't agree with me, I will kill you."....but hate=murder)
    
    I struggle with fundamentalism...I'm working on praying more like the sinner and less like the Pharisee...
    Ooops...I think I'm stopping too soon...so sorry, Cissy!  :)
    

    ... Show more

    5 years ago

AAG2012: Refining My Wishlist

Another post from my old myspace blog (about 2007). Not bad, pretty rational thinking on my part!  


5 Reasons Why I Want to Marry an Assassin....

Current mood:awake

....or at least have one as my best friend and roommate.

This post was inspired by Perrin, who wrote about the Bourne Trilogy. I, too, only saw the Bourne movies this summer. And I felt pretty much the same way about them as he did. And putting aside the moral dilemma sorta inherent to his job, here is my list of 5 reasons why I would like to be married to an assassin:

1. You'd never feel scared at night. Or  anywhere for that matter. As C. has pointed out, Bourne could eliminate any threat with, say, a mechanical pencil. Or maybe a paper clip. Or a piece of dried up gum.

2. Related to 1, if I had Bourne in my house, I could get rid of Nick!!! No more emptied garbage cans! NO more dog hair!!

3. You'd always be able to find your car when come out of Walmart. (He'd know where your car was, plus all the license plates of every car around it)

4. Any messy or stressful situation you could possibly create, Bourne would figure a way out of it. (So, Kiki? You over-commited AGAIN on Saturday? You've made, how many plans with various family and friends? 15?! Well, OK - here is how we are gonna handle it...)

5. He'd be fun to play around with and get to lighten up. Assassins seem like they're so SERIOUS all the time!   

I honestly think I could help 'round out' an assassin's personality.  Without, of course, taking any of the edge off their lightning sharp reflexes/killer instinct sensibility.

It'd be a balancing act, I know. But I'd be willing to work that out.

7 Reasons to Decide that Mondays are Actually Great

I wrote this for someone I know who hates Mondays.
Posting it here because, well, it's a pretty awesome list and my Monday is getting off to a shaky start  (Woke up late, woke up feeling fat, my clothes look dumb, curled my hair but it's humid and so curls died and hair looks dumb, the bus was late, I slept through my stop, I had to walk extra to get to work. Bright spot: Someone asked me if I "still ran that moonbounce business". And turns out I have a twin who runs a moonbounce business. Then got a little down b/c I wish so much I was scheduling fun events and testing moonbounce units all day.)

If I did run a moonbounce business, you better believe all my units would be awesome  like this  Stonehenge one

Anyway, I can use the reminder today. So, on to the Seven Reasons:



1. Newness: new day, new week.....new attitude. You get to make a fresh To-Do-List. A great day to start a project: diets, resolutions, journals, whatever.

2. The commute is a little quicker b/c lotsa ppl use Monday for their AWS day.

3. Everyone's a little more forgiving on Mondays, b/c they're battling dread, too.

4. God probably likes to surprise ppl w/ good things on Mondays, b/c He likes doing things unpredictably.

5. It's really typical to complain about Mondays. Who wants to be typical?

6. You get to process/reflect on the events of your weekend.

7. It's a good day to use your haptic mind.

Note: I think this is the wrong word. But here is the concept:
I learned this from one of my photo professors. She was talking about that kind of thinking you do in the shower, or on a run, or while driving a familiar route. Something takes over and does the task at hand
(showering, driving, whatever), and so frees another part of your brain to think peripherally about other things.
She said that oblique thinking (not bearing down hard to 'come up with ideas') yields the
most creativity. She called it using your haptic mind.
(But as I looked it up, the word 'haptic' seems to mean something else. Or maybe the haptic mind is actually the part that does the boring/repetitive task on auto-pilot. Like 'muscle memory', but it's the brain.
Or maybe she said a different word. Or maybe she understood this concept, but assigned a random word to it. WHO KNOWS.)

Anway, I totally get this idea. I do this all the time...almost always have peripheral, oblique thinking going on and especially when doing routine, mundane or repetitive tasks. And I can't just quit calling it haptic after 20 years just because it's the wrong word. Unless someone tells me the right word for it.

Moonrise Kingdom

Five times, with five different people/sets of people.
Nothing but goodness...no diminishing returns with the repetition.
Each time I saw new things, and the new things just reinforced my (already strong) feelings.

How can I begin?


Visual goodness


Like all the really great movies, any framed still could grace any wall in your home and make it a more beautiful place.


The color palettes are perfect: More and more I noticed the colors. Primaries, but all complementary. Some patterns thrown in. I could mute the sound and this movie would still excite me.


The details make my heart ache:  The bird design on the tent, the pictures on the wall, the costumes for the play, the book covers, her outfit, his outfit, the way Social Services sits, the wallpaper, really everything in each room in Summer's End, Suzy's handwriting, the dog that looks like the dog from my first reader (Tip!), the list for the decoy papier mache Suzy. I know from Kevin and some of the credits that Wes Anderson designs/commissions all of these details himself. Knowing that it's intentional makes me pay even closer attention, and makes me love it all even more.


Everything is visually congruous:
I don't know how to write this. I am purposely not reading ANYTHING because I wanted all of these ideas to be what I truly felt just from watching and then talking with my friends.
Christine called it 'complete-ness' (see Idea Goodness, later) and it's the same visually: everything matches, everything goes.
One example:  The sunkissed and hazy quality of the film when they're jumping [maybe the lens is vaselined? Not sure} Well, it matches the french song they later dance to, it matches the day itself. I feel like I'm drying off in the sun when I watch it.
Another example: Each character kind of has their own aesthetic - how they dress, the exterior shot that lets you know we're at their house...think Captain Sharp.
Obviously I need to write about this more and edit this, I know this is all very dim...But I can just see that everything is visually congruent in this way.










Word- Goodness

The dialogue is perfect: Precious without being cloying.
Startlingly funny.And believable. The precociousness never goes into that Juno-territory where you don't believe they'd really talk like that.


Mean Kid: Well if we find him, I'm not going to be the one who forgot to bring a weapon.


Suzy -I've always wanted to be an orphan...they have the most interesting lives.
Sam - I love you, but you don't know what you're talking about.


Suzy: Was he a good dog?
Sam: Who's to say?


We could arguably continue, citing the entire script, in snippets alternating italics and bold. That's what I mean by perfect.



Theme Goodness 

The theme is perfect, too. There is the way that the purity of the kids is a perfect contrast to the effed-upness of the adults. Sue told me later how, in a way, the kids' situation redeems the adults...again - in a small way.


There is thematic 'completeness' /congruity, too. Even elements: Dan pointed out that Benjamin Britton, who wrote a Young Person's Guide to the Orchestra (the soundtrack) is also who wrote the Noah's Flood play in which Sam sees Suzy for the first time. We know there is a purging flood at the end, too...I know there is more congruity, too. Naturally, I need to watch it a least 100 more times.


The theme that resonates with me is the "outsider" theme. If you know me at all, you know I'm drawn to the margin. The disenfranchised, the lost, the outsider -- these are the people I feel the most at home with.


Also, as I said, I have purposely avoided reading others' opinions about MK. Kevin said that people criticized Wes Anderson for being too idealistic in his solutions for people who are 'outsiders' -- saying that things never work out this way in real life.


I guess I feel like he does such a fantastic job at defining the problem, that I don't care if the solution is feasible. It's like watching Inglorious Basterds -- things didn't really turn out that way, but it would have been wonderful. (And the truth is, art does change things. So there is some truth in it.)






Sam: Why do you consider me your enemy?
Mean Kid: Because your girlfriend stabbed me in the back with lefty scissors!
Sam: She's my wife now.
Mean Kid: Congratulations.
Sam:I'm talking about before. Six weeks ago. Why didn't you like me then?
Mean Kid: Why should I? No one else does.


That explains the problem perfectly, but it's my blog, so I'll expound:
The whole "Outsider" thing actually starts when someone is free, for whatever reason.
Simultaneously, weak or unoriginal people herd together usually under the leadership of the smallest-minded, most unoriginal one.
The free ones, the ones who don't feel the need to join the herd are threatening to the leader, and thus the battle-dynamic is created. The small minded creates it, the free one is bewildered at first but then has to negotiate it.


So yeah, he does a fantastic job at defining the problem. And I think would be wonderful to stab all such ringleaders in the back with lefty scissors and thus free up some of the herd. (And truth is, challenging the evil norm does change things. So there is some truth in it.)






FINALLY,
the last part.
And which Sue is going to let me write about on her blog!!


Maybe because of AAG2012, maybe because I'm an NF temperament, maybe for other reasons, the aspect of the movie that made my heart clutch up in my chest and leaves me speechless a little, is what I will call:


Sam and Suzy and their Resounding Yes to Each Other

Sam:  This is our land!
Suzy:  YES IT IS!






I've been thinking about what I want. Online dating forces you to do this, with all their forms and MustHaves/CantStands and what have you.
One online suitor was even helping me figure it out.


I resist making the list. I saw a post recently on FB from a very nice young lady, saying how she wanted a man with 'the wisdom of Solomon, the courage of David, the kindness of Boaz, the _________ of _________" and how she wasn't going to settle for less. I recoiled inside, and thought, "The man that does end up with her has my sympathies."


I also know that I don't know what's good for me, not really. I've picked men because of their curly hair alone. I'm not even kidding. I trust my N (intuition) more than I trust my logic.


So even as I was watching this movie the first time, it was dawning on me...by the end, I knew:


This is what I want. Exactly.


They are so affirming to each other. Think of the letter exchange: She encourages him to keep remembering what his parents look like. He encourages her to get along with her family.


Think of their first meeting:  She conforms to his plan, he considers her in every step, they are so *courteous* to each other.


He shares something he's ashamed of:
Sam -I might pee the bed later...I didn't want to offend you.
and she affirms him
Suzy- Of course I wouldn't be...
And I bet he won't pee the bed much anymore.


She shares something that hurts her:
Sam: Is that book about you?
Suzy: I think so.


He doesn't understand, and laughs, and hurts her. She's mad, and right away, he apologizes. Better than apologizes.
Sam - I'm on your side.


There is a lot more to say on this, but I'm saving it for Sue!
I'll just close with that idea, though.
They are so *for* each other, and it's completely mutual. When they're journeying, their marriage, when they're about to jump at the end. 


That's what I mean by the "YES", and yes, I want that.

Midlife Crisis - Controlled Version - An Introduction

While talking with a friend about midlife crises generally, we recounted the array of symptoms we've witnessed in women-in-ml-crisis in our circles, from the mild-superficial (new hair!) to the extreme-superficial (new...uh, bra size!), from the mild-deep (new job!) to the extreme-deep (new husband!).


Please, don't read judgment here. I think midlife crises are about more than just lamenting lost youth. 
They're actually pretty profound. 
A sudden realization that time is short, facing the fact that more years has been spent than are left, a shocking awareness that if you don't do something now...it will likely be left undone, forever. 


In fact, so much not-judgment here that I was thinking, "I want to have one!!" I just don't want to do anything   too mad/crazy/irrevocable.

And the idea emerged:  Midlife Crisis - Controlled Version.
And so far it's been GREAT, here are some of the 'big' aspects of MLC-CV:


Feb 2011: BRACES.
Watch videos I made about my experience.
 It's probably the most boring VLOG in the world.
But funny, these videos get 100s of views, comments, private messages. Adult braces are on the rise.

Fall 2011:  FITNESS. 
I've written about this before. Two of my friends helped me get started with this. Sorta Couch-to-5k...you walk/jog/walk/jog, increasing the jog times. My first 5k with them took me 45 minutes.
Between their help and dropping wt (which I may or may not discuss on this blog, haven't decided yet!), it's unbelievalbe to say this, but I can actually jog (on treadmill) 3 mi. under 10 min pace. Who knows where all this will lead. I used to say I'd never be able to really run again. I'm not saying that anymore.


Late 2011/Early 2012  ACQUIRING A GENTLEMAN.
This quest is well documented on this blog =) 


Spring 2012 HAIRRRRRR.
Contrast-ey Highlights, like Rogue (X-Men).
I will make a separate post about this, and put pictures. Because the post will be about the stylist, who is adorable and special.


And MLC-CV is nowhere near completion. In fact, I feel like it's just begun.
My Reader Friends:  Feel free to share any great midlife crisis tips, ideas, cautions, anything really. I love your input.

Dating Kiki 2.0 Episode 12: Reprieve? Reboot?

Lately, I've been reading about All Things MBTI  -- it's an interest that I revisit from time to time, when I want to focus on interpersonal relationships for whatever reason.

So Dating Kiki 2.0 was bound to make me break out my "Please Understand Me" book (well-loved, pages falling out, stolen from my first church library). Now there are 983292 forums online to read through, too, which I've wasted  enjoyed hours doing.

And let's be real, specifically, it was JASPER who inspired me...

[Our types connect on our dominant function, I'm Ne and he is Ni, (iNtuitive Extraversion, iNtuitive Introversion). Basically, non-stop N-ing the entire time we're together. It's relatively rare, we can speak almost in code. Which is awesome]

Jasper and I had several dates, and each one had something really, really sweet that made me crave another date:

Date 1: Art Show
We walked around a local art show. His communication style -- jumping from topic to topic, from deep to whimsical -- my ADD was just singing, do you know what I mean?
One little story: You all know by now that I have the problem w/ awkwardness. Well, the super awkward thing that kept happening on the first date was that my shirt kept popping open. I'd look down and my whole bra was hanging out. (NOTE: My cleavage is ridiculously unimpressive, but this is still embarrassing. Bra was purple at least.)
He pretended not to notice.
It happened 4 MORE TIMES.
Finally, I just confronted it, "Hey, this is kinda awful, and you're being really nice to pretend not to notice, but my shirt...?"
And he was so nice, he right away said, "Yeah! I've been thinking about how to help, I found this paperclip back there!"
And he offered the paperclip and an idea to tie it around the button, which turns out I couldn't do and he ended up doing,  averting his eyes and fixing the problem and saving my dignity all at the same time.

And this interaction seems small, but it's representative of all our interactions, and it flipped a switch in me. That. Fast.

Date 2: The walk-around-a-cool-city date

Date3: THE MOTORCYCLE RIDE DATE
Detail: We went 98 twice! He didn't know how I'd feel about 3-digit speed.  haha
Note: Riding motorcycles is now at the top of my wishlist for the Gentleman I shall Acquire in 2012.

Date 4: The dinner and movie date.

Date 5: The hang-out-at-a-house-and-do-normal things-date

And there may be no Date 6,7, etc. Or there may be. I don't know. I can't even put odds right now.

It's because there are some  differences, and I can't tell if they're significant, or just the kind that I refer to as Charlotte's Web kind.
((There is a part in the book Charlotte's Web, where Wilbur learns that Charlotte traps insects and then sucks their blood. He really struggles with this bloodthirsty quality in his new friend, and I love the idea that E.B. White seems to put out there: how it's hard when we learn things about our new friends, but then we'll get used to the idea and understand that it's not really a problem. It's so so true!))

So now I don't know if I should just keep going, go on coffee dates with other people.

And the worst:  Jasper thinks it would be fine, which tells me everything I need to know. ((Our issue is that he perceives me as having a lot of energy, and he just can't do that pace. This confuses me b/c I see myself as having much lower energy than I did in my 20s and 30s. So I see myself as pretty tame and boring now. I will say that when I'm with JASPER, I am probably vibrating w/ invisible energy though. I don't know.))
I know he enjoys being with me. Myers-Briggs again, he is so majorly Intoverted and needs so much alone time, and yet he will talk on the phone with me for hours and hours. He doesn't like dates to extend 5 hrs (another quirk of his), so I playfully said my goal was to make him go over 5 hrs everytime we're together. Once, we tripled that.
So I know I'm exhausting him. And I can't stop.

And I guess the bottom line:  He is not as into me as I am into him. Because I would NEVER tell him to see others.

So, writing this out is helping me find my own answer.
Dating Kiki 2.0: I keep going.

Today I went on the site, and there were messages from lotsa people. A few were interesting. You all are going to KILL ME, but Felix actually wants to try again. There is Linus, from the other site. And some other guys who I don't even feel I can muster enough drive to answer their silly "If you were a fruit, what fruit would you be?" type canned questions. And who I'm not excited about at all.

Please know that I am not nearly as depressed as this sounds, I'm just maybe a 7 on a sad scale of 1-10.
And I get to see Moonrise Kingdom again, and the person I'm seeing it with is a gem, and she won't even know it, and she'll be healing to be around. So YAY GOD for this timing.

I await your feedback, and I already know it will be gentle, and true, and helpful.
Classy cheek kisses for all of you,
Kiki out.

Dating Kiki 2.0 - Episode 11 Kiki (Jr.)

Pre-work
We'd been enjoying online chats for a while.
Seemed to have some things in common.
Decided on a coffee date....we know the drill by now:  Cautious investment of time and money to feel the potential out.

Online, this one's magnificent: Witty, attractive, authentic (as much as can be online, ya know...)
Getting there:  Driving from work, but no air in my car. I'm sweaty and my hair is matted to my face. Clothes are wet. Walk in, scan the room...and:

The IRL person FAR EXCEEDED every impression, pretty much immediately!!!

And before this post gets unclear, I'll just spill the beans:

Carol and I met in real life!

And I'll be crystal clear: It wasn't romantic. It was just a hunch from talking online that we're kindred. And then a realization that we live close to each other.

And it turns out the massive amount of connections/ahas/yeses/coincidences make that hunch the understatement of the week.

We went to the same school (just years apart)
We knew the same people (just at diff. times in our lives)
We have had similar jobs (and she just happens to have met one of my bffs, who just happens to also read this blog)
We've done the same things (it's just we can't usu say what they are b/c most ppl think we're weird)
We have the same personality letters (just exactly)

At one point, I felt like saying, "Oh, did you come of my mom's uterus, too? ((She would have just nodded casually, b/c by that point every single thing we ever did was similar and it was almost not surprising anymore, and I'd have just nodded knowingly and said,)) Yeah, I figured..."

When it was time to go, we joked about our hug and the awkward back pat and how many hours we should wait to send the thank you text and how many days before the next call. And we dubbed her Kiki Jr.

And it was lovely, and I wish all of us could get have a Dating Kiki Wrap Up Party when i am finished with Dating Kiki 2.0. (Maybe Alaskan Cruise? Perennia?)

Preview
In Episode 12, we will explore the question:  When exactly am I supposed to be finished with Dating Kiki 2.0?